jessie83
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Post by jessie83 on Mar 28, 2019 7:57:37 GMT -5
My husband acts as though he is not interested in me at all. I am faced with constant rejection and it is so painful. I use to think I was a good looking chick but now I feel ugly, unattractive, and unloved. I feel so much shame that I'm not even good enough for my own husband. I have tried desperately to peak his interest, walking in front of him naked, sex toys, porn, you name it and nothing.I want so badly to be loved and wanted. I can't even begin to describe how it makes me feel. I don't even feel like a woman anymore, I feel completely worthless. What is wrong with me? Why am I not enough anymore?
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Deleted
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Post by Deleted on Mar 28, 2019 8:31:13 GMT -5
Sorry to hear, but understand your feelings completely. What I have come to learn from my time on this forum is that, more likely than not, the problem is NOT YOU. I don't know how long you have been a member here, but there is a wealth of support, ideas, and guidance to help you figure out what your options are, what steps you can take, and what is best for you and your future. Once more, wishing you didn't have to be here. IMO, feeling unwanted is one of the worst feelings ever. Hoping you find what you need here.
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jessie83
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Post by jessie83 on Mar 28, 2019 8:42:04 GMT -5
I am a new member of this forum. I hope to find some sort of peace and worth one day.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 28, 2019 8:51:09 GMT -5
Then welcome 🙂 Know first, all peace and self-worth are found within yourself. Take care of you and your other decisions and choices will become clear. You cannot change or control your husband, but do have 100% control over yourself.
That said, I had a host of possible "why's" ... I had to investigate and dive deeply into all of them. At present, all are proving fruitless and of absolutely no help to me in fixing anything with my husband. BUT I am gaining much insight into myself, and crossing off one by one all the possible "why's" is helping me make my decision clearer. Keep asking your questions. We all have our own path to walk til we find clarity. Some stay. More (it seems) leave. There are a litany of options, but all seem to boil down to: stay and accept or leave and hope for better. I'm wishing you well and sending you much luck!
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Post by h on Mar 28, 2019 8:51:35 GMT -5
Welcome jessie83 to the club that nobody wants to be a member of. Most likely, your husband's lack of interest in you has nothing to do with you. He could have a medical issue messing with his testosterone, he may have been a victim of child abuse, he could be gay and still in the closet, he could be having an affair, he could be a porn addict and can't get aroused by a real woman, or he could be just plain asexual. No matter what it is though, YOU didn't cause any of it. It's on him to get help and if he doesn't, then he has chosen to ignore your pain. Don't blame yourself.
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Post by smith227 on Mar 28, 2019 9:44:04 GMT -5
You’re going to wear yourself out. When I first joined this group what helped me most was hearing other women’s stories that were going through the same thing. I felt like I could have written most of them. Here’s mine.
I met what’s called a “refuser” around 2 years ago. He and I got married around a year ago. Everything seemed fine until I moved in with him. After that affection ceased to exist and sex went from around once a week to once every couple of months. I did what is called “why chasing”. That’s where you completely absorb yourself in the possible reasons that your husband wouldn’t want you. I went hard on him being gay or asexual.
After chasing the whys, I moved to anger and resentment. I still have a lot of that. I became a person who I didn’t even recognize for a little while. I was so obsessed with making him pay for the way I was feeling. This is a hard stage and there’s a lot of what’s called “the talk”. The talk is where you’ll try to discuss with your husband why he seems to have absolutely no interest in you. It often ends with screaming, and stonewalling. Then comes detachment to remain sane.
I moved into the spare bedroom at this point. Laying next to him in bed every night was frustrating and usually at detachment you’re just trying to repair yourself and no longer trying to repair the relationship. This is where I’m at now. I’m cordial to him, and avoid him as much as I can. I focus on work and my exit plan. I also know that I’m not the problem. He is and I cannot fix him.
Am I okay? Absolutely not. I feel like he tricked me and lied to me. I feel lonely and often still incredibly angry, but it’s getting better. I also see that I’m really lucky compared to a lot of people on this board. Some of the people you’ll meet if you stick around have been in this horrible situation for decades. Some of them haven’t been touched by their spouse in 20 years. A lot of them have kids with thier “roommates”. So, don’t get frustrated if a lot of the responses are to get out. Unless it’s a medical condition there’s really no solution. What you will find here is incredible support, and relatability. Good luck.
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jessie83
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Post by jessie83 on Mar 28, 2019 9:53:31 GMT -5
We have been together for 21 years I am 35 he is 38. I am at a point where I beg him to want me (I know this is not lady like) and yes pitiful and humiliating but I'm desperate. I think I will just ignore it and block it out but when I'm next to him all I want is his love. I wish I could turn off my feelings. It doesn't do me any good anyway when I cry he gets angry at me for being hurt.
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Post by workingonit on Mar 28, 2019 10:08:17 GMT -5
Welcome. I suggest spending some time reading some of our stories. You are really not alone here.
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Post by h on Mar 28, 2019 10:09:13 GMT -5
We have been together for 21 years I am 35 he is 38. I am at a point where I beg him to want me (I know this is not lady like) and yes pitiful and humiliating but I'm desperate. I think I will just ignore it and block it out but when I'm next to him all I want is his love. I wish I could turn off my feelings. It doesn't do me any good anyway when I cry he gets angry at me for being hurt. If he's angry at you for showing him your pain then he certainly doesn't love you. That is not the response of someone who loves you.
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Post by northstarmom on Mar 28, 2019 10:41:01 GMT -5
“We have been together for 21 years I am 35 he is 38. I am at a point where I beg him to want me (I know this is not lady like) and yes pitiful and humiliating but I'm desperate. I think I will just ignore it and block it out but when I'm next to him all I want is his love. I wish I could turn off my feelings. It doesn't do me any good anyway when I cry he gets angry at me for being hurt. ”
Any spouse who treats you like that is not worthy of you. Realizing this will allow you to focus on yourself and doing things under your control that make you happy. This includes being around people who treat you with the kind of consideration and support that brings joy to your life. Your husband is not such a person.
You can not change your husband. You can create a life that doesn’t depend on his regard for you to be happy. The more you do this the easier it will be for you to with relief let go of a relationship that no longer suits your needs. That will make room in your lines fe for the kind of love you long for.
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jessie83
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Post by jessie83 on Mar 28, 2019 10:56:54 GMT -5
I know he doesn't love me any longer and I try to convince myself not to love him but I always fail.
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Post by northstarmom on Mar 28, 2019 11:12:06 GMT -5
Focusing on doing things (without him ) that you enjoy, and spending time in the company of people who encourage and support you will help you let go of your love for your husband. Btdt. The more I reclaimed myself by discovering and pursuing my interests independent of him the more that I became happy. After a while, I became indifferent to my husband and realized I’d be happier being single — even permanently single— than remaining in a marriage to a person who treated me with indifference.
Getting to this point took several years. Individual therapy helped as did having the courage to do activities without my h. I invited to lunch people whom I enjoyed. I took classes (started taking acting, singing and dance classes in my 50s!) and joined groups like Meetups that interested me. I also took trips to see friends or take workshops or attend spiritual retreats without my h.
I grew into a person whom I was delighted to be with! I also made a lot of friends who loved and appreciated aspects of my personality that my h didn’t understand or that irritated him. When I divorced, i was 60 and I felt a sibling kind of love for my h but no desire for romance with him.
FWIW I’ve now been for 6 years with a man who loves and cherished me the ways that make me feel loved and cherished. But even if that has not happened I’d prefer to be single than to be with a man who was not capable of loving me in the ways that I experience love.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 28, 2019 11:12:20 GMT -5
Welcome to the journey no one wants to take. I wish I had found a forum like this when I was your age (I'm 52 now--but 50 is the new 30 right The most important distinction you can make right now is whether your relationship is pretty great, except you have mismatched libidos OR the relationship is crap and are the causes worth trying to fix. My solemn advice is that you'll know the answer to that question in your heart if you're honest with yourself. You may choose to stay for valid reasons (commitment to your vows, children, etc.) but history has shown that the odds of him changing his behavior, no matter the cause, are slim.
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jessie83
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Post by jessie83 on Mar 28, 2019 11:26:17 GMT -5
Thank you all for your advice it helps greatly and it's nice to have someone to talk to.
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Post by h on Mar 28, 2019 11:28:58 GMT -5
Thank you all for your advice it helps greatly and it's nice to have someone to talk to. We've been through a lot of the same things. We're here anytime you need to talk some more. You're among friends.
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