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Post by worksforme2 on Mar 28, 2019 11:37:38 GMT -5
You will find a treasure chest of information and experience here. Many here have experienced the same or a similar marriage (relationship) where not only are their sexual, emotional and intimacy needs going unmet, but that their spouses seem indifferent to those basic parts of a relationship. And some like your H seem avoidant at best and at times actually hostile. Keep posting. Give as much information as you feel comfortable with. Keep reading, especially the stories by other women. You have a lot of company here and therefore a lot of accumulated wisdom to draw from.
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Post by lessingham on Mar 28, 2019 12:54:43 GMT -5
I sometimes think it is harder for the women on this forum. It is a cliché of the sex hungry man begging sex from the disinterested woman. There are comic routines and jokes a plenty. But the reverse is silence, the man never refuses, he is always up for it. For a woman to hit tbe brick walk of sexless marriage must be incomprehensible. I wish you all the courage on your journey to the resolution that brings you the best solution.
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Post by Handy on Mar 28, 2019 14:40:53 GMT -5
jessie83, the shortest answer is "there is likely "NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU." Some men just go off sex, don't need it, don't want it, have other more important things to think about. Guess what? You can not control your husbands thinking or what is important to him. You could be equivalent to the hottest chick in the community but if your H isn't interested in having sex or any other thing that requires physical or emotional connections, that is on him, and it has very little to do with you most of the time. If your H has little sex drive, well that is OK too on an individual basis. When it is a problem is when one spouse is low drive and the other spouse is higher drive. There are forums for people that do not need sex just as there are forums for people that are attracted to the same sex. IOW, people differ and that is OK except when there is a miss-match in partners. The miss-match is the problem. I am most likely the oldest member on this forum. I spent over 5 years trying to get my W interested in romance and sex. Nothing I did changed the relationship. So now I mostly do my own thing, have my own friends and detaching is less painful than hoping for something that rarely happens.
What Lessingham posted above is so true.
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Post by northstarmom on Mar 28, 2019 14:56:37 GMT -5
jessie83: To show how some men like sex, some men don't; Some men will think you're sexy; some won't:
I was married for 34 years to a man whom I now realize had probably always had a low libido. WHen we married, he was 29 and I was 27 and we'd dated for 2 years. Although he was handsome and athletic, he was about 22 or 23 when he lost his virginity. The last 8 years of our marriage were completely sexless. At least 5 other straight years were completely sexless. Some years, we had sex only once the entire year. He never seemed comfortable talking about sex. When I'd ask him about fantasies, etc., he'd just look embarassed. I moved out of our bedroom after about 31 years of marriage. I did that after he said, "Excuse me and walked out" when he walked in our bedroom while I was changing my clothes. Before that, if I tried to snuggle while he was sleeping, he would move away to the very edge of the bed. We had marriage counseling, but he never would explain why he wouldn't have sex with me. He just said it wasn't my fault.
I'm now 67, divorced, and have been for 6 years in a loving, sexy relationship with a man a year younger than I am. At his insistence, we sleep naked. He says the best time of his day is when we get into bed together and have that skin to skin contact. In his sleep, he cuddles and caresses me. He delights in looking at my naked body (I'm a few pounds overweight and have c-section scars and stretch marks!). Sometimes he just stares in delight at my naked body, a body that he has repeatedly said is "beautiful." Every day he tells me that he loves me. Sometimes he posts pictures of me on FB and says something like, "Isn't she beautiful!" (My ex used to make fun of me for taking selfies, and he seldom complimented me). He has had some age-related libido and ED problems, but without my asking, he went to his doctor and got treatment. We typically have sex at least 3 times a week.
Anyway, you can't change your husband so he becomes the kind of spouse you want. You can, however, free yourself from a marriage that does not make you happy. You also can do things that make you happy with yourself. Doing those things also will connect you with people who appreciate you the way you are.
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Post by csl on Mar 28, 2019 15:56:00 GMT -5
I met what’s called a “refuser” on here around 2 years ago. He and I got married around a year ago. Huh? Am I reading this right, you met your refuser on ILIASM?
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Post by flashjohn on Mar 28, 2019 16:32:18 GMT -5
My husband acts as though he is not interested in me at all. I am faced with constant rejection and it is so painful. I use to think I was a good looking chick but now I feel ugly, unattractive, and unloved. I feel so much shame that I'm not even good enough for my own husband. I have tried desperately to peak his interest, walking in front of him naked, sex toys, porn, you name it and nothing.I want so badly to be loved and wanted. I can't even begin to describe how it makes me feel. I don't even feel like a woman anymore, I feel completely worthless. What is wrong with me? Why am I not enough anymore? i am so sorry for your situation. Here you will find people who know exactly how you feel. If you feel you need to stay, you will be supported, but if you choose to escape, you will also be supported. But yes, a rejected woman will usually feel exactly the way you do.
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Post by isthisit on Mar 28, 2019 16:51:15 GMT -5
My husband acts as though he is not interested in me at all. I am faced with constant rejection and it is so painful. I use to think I was a good looking chick but now I feel ugly, unattractive, and unloved. I feel so much shame that I'm not even good enough for my own husband. I have tried desperately to peak his interest, walking in front of him naked, sex toys, porn, you name it and nothing.I want so badly to be loved and wanted. I can't even begin to describe how it makes me feel. I don't even feel like a woman anymore, I feel completely worthless. What is wrong with me? Why am I not enough anymore? Hello, jessie83 I am sorry to hear your story but pleased to find you here where you will gain an understanding about your situation and become aware of choices available to you. So much of your story resonates with me, and to repeat the advice from others, your first port of call should be to understand and accept that in all likelihood your H’s behaviour has nothing at all to do with what you are or are not. I recently parted from my refusing H after 23 years together with 15 of those problematic in terms of his reluctance for, and then refusal of intimacy. Since I instigated the split I have discovered that H did and does fancy me something ruthless, he just forgot to show it. (Toooooooo late sunshine.) I imagine yours does too, although chasing ‘why’ he can’t express this is a waste of your time and energy. Keep reading and considering your situation. This place and the generous and wise people who populate it have helped me enormously to reclaim myself and empowered me to change. Had I had found it sooner, I likely would have made my escape some time ago. I hope you find it as helpful to you.
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Post by smith227 on Mar 28, 2019 17:04:43 GMT -5
I met what’s called a “refuser” on here around 2 years ago. He and I got married around a year ago. Huh? Am I reading this right, you met your refuser on ILIASM? Haha, no. I met what’s called in this forum a “refuser”. Aka the piece of shit liar that tricked me into a sexless marriage or my “roommate” if you will.
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firefollower
Full Member
Only you can prevent forest fires
Posts: 154
Age Range: 51-55
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Post by firefollower on Mar 28, 2019 17:22:42 GMT -5
We have been together for 21 years I am 35 he is 38. I am at a point where I beg him to want me (I know this is not lady like) and yes pitiful and humiliating but I'm desperate. I think I will just ignore it and block it out but when I'm next to him all I want is his love. I wish I could turn off my feelings. It doesn't do me any good anyway when I cry he gets angry at me for being hurt. Sorry to hear what you are going through...whether it is a woman being refused or a man, the feelings of isolation are the same...I can relate to you. Was your situation always this way? Was it ever good? Am I correct that you have been together since you were 14 years old? First love and probably only love...I have personally seen these types of relationships spiral. Can you point to a time when it went sideways? I know I can...it was after our second child and my W attitude toward sexual intimacy changed within the span of six weeks. As some of the very intelligent people here have already stated...it is not your fault. You are still very young and have a long life ahead of you...don't settle if you don't want to...IMHO
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Post by baza on Mar 28, 2019 23:07:11 GMT -5
My husband acts as though he is not interested in me at all. I am faced with constant rejection and it is so painful. I use to think I was a good looking chick but now I feel ugly, unattractive, and unloved. I feel so much shame that I'm not even good enough for my own husband. I have tried desperately to peak his interest, walking in front of him naked, sex toys, porn, you name it and nothing.I want so badly to be loved and wanted. I can't even begin to describe how it makes me feel. I don't even feel like a woman anymore, I feel completely worthless. What is wrong with me? Why am I not enough anymore? The most likely reason your - "husband acts as though he is not interested in me" - is because he's not interested in you. It does not follow however that you are actually those negative things you've noted above. It could be as simple as your husband being a dickhead - not that there's any cure (I know of) for that condition. You can be pretty sure though, that the problem is NOT you, and that with a different bloke, your situation would be vastly different. So the real question confronting you is whether you are going to stay - in a deal that makes you feel as you have described - or not.
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Post by angeleyes65 on Mar 29, 2019 9:35:49 GMT -5
My husband acts as though he is not interested in me at all. I am faced with constant rejection and it is so painful. I use to think I was a good looking chick but now I feel ugly, unattractive, and unloved. I feel so much shame that I'm not even good enough for my own husband. I have tried desperately to peak his interest, walking in front of him naked, sex toys, porn, you name it and nothing.I want so badly to be loved and wanted. I can't even begin to describe how it makes me feel. I don't even feel like a woman anymore, I feel completely worthless. What is wrong with me? Why am I not enough anymore? Omg I just want to hug you and slap him. I lived this it makes my heart hurt for you. From my experience I will tell you what I learned through the years take it's for what it's worth You are not the problem. If you need to work that hard for someone's attention all the time it's not worth having. You are good enough and if you let him kill your self esteem you will let yourself go. And trust me it's hard to work back to your old self. So keep working out, keep wearing cute clothes and keep wearing sexy underwear. For you not him. Go out with friends often. You are not the home slave keeping the house perfect won't change your marriage so if you want to do something fun but laundry needs done do the laundry tomorrow or better yet tell him to do it. If you can leave him do it as soon as possible if it has to be put off more than a year consider out sourcing . You've got this!
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jessie83
Junior Member
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Posts: 35
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Post by jessie83 on Mar 29, 2019 19:32:39 GMT -5
My husband acts as though he is not interested in me at all. I am faced with constant rejection and it is so painful. I use to think I was a good looking chick but now I feel ugly, unattractive, and unloved. I feel so much shame that I'm not even good enough for my own husband. I have tried desperately to peak his interest, walking in front of him naked, sex toys, porn, you name it and nothing.I want so badly to be loved and wanted. I can't even begin to describe how it makes me feel. I don't even feel like a woman anymore, I feel completely worthless. What is wrong with me? Why am I not enough anymore? The most likely reason your - "husband acts as though he is not interested in me" - is because he's not interested in you. It does not follow however that you are actually those negative things you've noted above. It could be as simple as your husband being a dickhead - not that there's any cure (I know of) for that condition. You can be pretty sure though, that the problem is NOT you, and that with a different bloke, your situation would be vastly different. So the real question confronting you is whether you are going to stay - in a deal that makes you feel as you have described - or not. Baza it's painful to hear but I'm sure your right.
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Post by saarinista on Apr 1, 2019 1:00:36 GMT -5
Welcome. I suggest spending some time reading some of our stories. You are really not alone here. Nope, you have lots of company here. Welcome. Hang in there. You're not unlovable; you're in a sexless marriage is "all." But I know it's easy to feel unlovable when the sex goes kaput. Sometimes things just go bad. It's no one's fault, it just happens. Read and learn and share. The truth may feel painful now, but eventually it will bring you freedom and peace if you let it. Hugs.
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Post by baza on Apr 8, 2019 0:08:59 GMT -5
Maybe Sister ashbysmom you simply take it as read that - "he is over 40 and just no longer has the "drive" It is as good as any other "why" you'll find in here. Whatever the "why" might be doesn't actually matter a real lot, whether it is true or not (and this one reads like bullshit to me) You are disenfranchised either way. Chances are that it is NOT personal, has nothing to do with your sexiness or your femininity, and is not a reflection on you or your personality or your value as a person. Rather, it just is what it is. It ain't you that's the problem in the situation - it's him. And the unpalatable fact is that you can't do anything about his problem. That's his job.
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Post by warmways on Apr 9, 2019 0:08:57 GMT -5
It’s so hard. You can get through the other side if you want to leave. Being ignored just hurts.
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