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Post by baza on Jan 24, 2019 20:39:50 GMT -5
A recent post from Brother lessingham prompted this post. In it, he speculated (among other things) that maybe he "deserved" to be in an ILIASM shithole. FWIW I do not believe in "deserve"... though I do believe in "choice = consequence". Sure, sometimes we dump ourselves in the shit with uninformed choices, but sometimes, the cosmos just arbitarily hands us a shit sandwich - and if you haven't had your shit sandwich yet, rest assured that it is coming, and it really doesn't matter how you got it. Fact is, you got it. The thing is that having received the shit sandwhich - either by ones own uninformed choice or by a random cosmic event or perhaps a bit of both - the cards are dealt, and there's your cards in your hand. And where-as you mightn't have wished for/wanted this hand, that's what you got. And it is your job to play out your hand as best you can. No-one else can play your cards for you. What you "deserve" is the right to make your own choices about your way forward - and you've got that right already. If you want to see this in action, here's a handful of members who's stories you could read ... greatcoastal choosinghappy shamwow tamara68 ironhamster ... and there's many others. There's a few "card sharps" for you who produced pretty good outcomes from some really crappy cards.
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Post by tamara68 on Jan 25, 2019 1:04:28 GMT -5
Thinking you might deserve a bad situation is a way to keep you where you are. I have thought that too a long long time ago. I also considered that perhaps God (or fate or whatever cosmic reason) put me there to teach me patience. And I don't even believe in God. Bad self esteem doesn't help much either. Psychologically this is called 'learned helplessness'. When you get disappointed over and over again and your efforts never lead to something good, you stop trying.
The way to get out is to start feeling that you deserve better and that there is no one else but you who needs to do something about it. You can't change others, you only control what you do yourself.
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Post by baza on Jan 25, 2019 1:31:19 GMT -5
Thinking you might deserve a bad situation is a way to keep you where you are. I have thought that too a long long time ago. I also considered that perhaps God (or fate or whatever cosmic reason) put me there to teach me patience. And I don't even believe in God. Bad self esteem doesn't help much either. Psychologically this is called 'learned helplessness'. When you get disappointed over and over again and your efforts never lead to something good, you stop trying. The way to get out is to start feeling that you deserve better and that there is no one else but you who needs to do something about it. You can't change others, you only control what you do yourself. Loved your post Sister tamara68 . My only quibble is this bit - "The way to get out is to start feeling that you deserve better". I reckon it's more like - "The way to get out is to start feeling that you are worthy of better". And of making choices that reflect that outlook.
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Post by tamara68 on Jan 25, 2019 1:43:09 GMT -5
Thinking you might deserve a bad situation is a way to keep you where you are. I have thought that too a long long time ago. I also considered that perhaps God (or fate or whatever cosmic reason) put me there to teach me patience. And I don't even believe in God. Bad self esteem doesn't help much either. Psychologically this is called 'learned helplessness'. When you get disappointed over and over again and your efforts never lead to something good, you stop trying. The way to get out is to start feeling that you deserve better and that there is no one else but you who needs to do something about it. You can't change others, you only control what you do yourself. Loved your post Sister tamara68 . My only quibble is this bit - "The way to get out is to start feeling that you deserve better". I reckon it's more like - "The way to get out is to start feeling that you are worthy of better". And making choices that reflect that. "Worthy of better" is indeed a better description.
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Post by choosinghappy on Jan 25, 2019 6:45:29 GMT -5
Loved your post Sister tamara68 . My only quibble is this bit - "The way to get out is to start feeling that you deserve better". I reckon it's more like - "The way to get out is to start feeling that you are worthy of better". And making choices that reflect that. "Worthy of better" is indeed a better description. And if I may: sometimes it is hard at first to truly believe you are worthy of better. There are times you need to “fake it till you make it”. Take one tiny step forward. Then when that feels more natural, take another tiny step forward. Do whatever you can within your specific confines. Even if it’s something as simple as scheduling one lunch date with a friend. Or getting one new shirt that makes you feel good. Start doing things that make YOU feel good. And as you start to become more yourself again, you may find your thoughts about yourself becoming more positive.
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Post by Deleted on Jan 25, 2019 7:32:07 GMT -5
"Worthy of better" is indeed a better description. And if I may: sometimes it is hard at first to truly believe you are worthy of better. There are times you need to “fake it till you make it”. Take one tiny step forward. Then when that feels more natural, take another tiny step forward. Do whatever you can within your specific confines. Even if it’s something as simple as scheduling one lunch date with a friend. Or getting one new shirt that makes you feel good. Start doing things that make YOU feel good. And as you start to become more yourself again, you may find your thoughts about yourself becoming more positive. I couldn't agree more! Babysteps ... one kind act directed at yourself and for yourself. Tis truly foreign behavior for most of us, but we can learn to feel worthy with time and effort. P.S. Thanks baza for the "worthy" instead of "deserve". Really never thought the 2 different until I read your comment this morning. I love feeling worthy ... seems more of a fact and state of grace as opposed to something I earned or am entitled to b/c of something I did.
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Post by lessingham on Jan 25, 2019 10:21:01 GMT -5
There is a weird film where a man takes a guy out onto a beach at low tide. He uses a gun to force the guy to dig a hole. He then announces he is going to fill in the hole with the guy, alive, at the bottom. The guy starts to protest, argue. The kilker grins and says "you should have resisted when I asked you yo start digging. Nobody wants to ebd up in a sexless marriage and few notice the danger signs. Even the nagging voices in our minds can be rationalised away. So maybe when the end destination is reached we can look back and imagine we co operated with the journey and "deserved" it. Today I am yelling in the canyons of my mind I Deserve Better. I am not Quasimodo, I am me!!!!
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Post by northstarmom on Jan 25, 2019 10:57:33 GMT -5
Even if you do look like Quasimodo you don’t deserve a SM. Unless you both agreed on a Sm, sex is an expectation of marriage. If your spouse thought you were too homely to fuck, they shouldn’t have married you.
I have seen really ugly people with romantic partners who are physically affectionate with them. This includes a friend who is missing his nose and much of his mouth after a failed suicide attempt by gunshot. While I’ve never pried into the specifics of his sex life, his fiancee obviously loves him and I’ve seen them hold hands and snuggle.
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