Along with the Dunning-Kruger effect, I just watched a video about some common bias people have, that seems to fit into the rarional vs irrational thinking that sometimes effects how people act and why.
The relationship (12 year marriage that I’m currently extricating myself from) 17 for 17. Sexlessness was the least of our problems. I think control was one of our biggest problems. Followed closely by condescension, contact criticism, undermining me.
The new ‘thing’ - 0. Is that possible?! But to be honest - I’m majorly gun shy after my shitstorm of a marriage. Any hint of a red flag and I’d be gone. But we communicate proactively. We talk about how we would handle potential problems in the future. We talk about our priorities. We’re on the same page. And there is such a desire to listen and understand when we talk about sensitive or difficult topics.
Life isn’t easy. Some of the choices we’re faced with aren’t easy. But talking to each other - I didn’t know it could be this easy!
This is interesting (FWIW my score based on my old ILIASM deal was the full 17)
See you'd figure that someone in an ILIASM shithole would, at some point, reach a point where say 9 of the things were in play and think "I gotta get out". And as 10 comes up, and 11, then the urge to get out would be coming pretty intense. As points 12, 13, 14, 15 and 16 emerge the need would be coming overwhelming. Then you hit the last one - 17. And you'd figure "that's it". But in my case, that was NOT it. I kept dicking about waiting for 18. Then 19. Then 20, 21, 22 etc.
Red flags only have value if you see them and act on them. Otherwise, all they are is a bit of coloured material on a stick that gets waved about some times.
Ugh. Tough list to read. FWIW we never fought. Unlike feeling that this is a good thing I have often felt it is a sign of lack of engament. Some fighting is natural.
Never fighting is a fight in itself. When one partner denies and avoids any of the problems or concerns, it's the first part of DARVO.
My voice of experience. I was trained to avoid my bipolar mother all during my teen years. I also learned that any confrontation-debating- speaking up for yourself- only made things worse. My mother took a 100% attitude of - she was right, and you where wrong!. End of story. my sister tried to confront her, and only got in more trouble.
A loose, loose situation can lead to false hope. A false sense of peace. The misnomer of keeping peace in the family, while you suffer.
Another reason why people don't ask for what they want.
misssunnybunny: You're welcome! So glad to hear you had a great day
Jan 19, 2019 16:34:01 GMT -5
worksforme2: anyone hear anything lately from mrslowmaintenance or smartkat?
Jan 24, 2019 18:06:02 GMT -5
petrushka: Just saw the forecast for Mildura at 47C -- I hope you and Ms. Enna are going to be ok Baz. That's getting dangerous.
Jan 24, 2019 20:10:00 GMT -5
lifeinwoodinville: I last heard from mrslowmaintenance about a month ago. I have been in regular contact with her for the last year and a half. I feel comfortable in saying that her situation remains unchanged. If you want to know more PM me.
Jan 25, 2019 22:36:50 GMT -5
worksforme2: Hey baza,...I know it's hot and dry down under. N.C. is having record rainfall. I would gladly trade some rain for some sunshine....
Feb 22, 2019 20:28:35 GMT -5
tamara68: Today it's steak and blowjob day! I suppose the steak is for those who don't get a blowjob.
Mar 14, 2019 16:49:49 GMT -5
petrushka: tamara68 Laughing with tears in my eyes. And my steak is going to be semolina gruel, due to some tummy upset :-\
Mar 15, 2019 1:11:10 GMT -5
misssunnybunny: So sad to hear the news from New Zealand. Boston Strong supports Kiwi Strong!!
Mar 15, 2019 7:46:22 GMT -5
petrushka: I was gobsmacked when I heard. This is just not us. In all of 2017 we had 37 murders in the country ..... I think the echo chambers of "social media" have a lot to answer for.
Mar 15, 2019 18:45:45 GMT -5
baza: Feeling for our Brothers and Sisters across the ditch Brother petrushka .
Mar 15, 2019 19:27:50 GMT -5
misssunnybunny: petrushka, I thought I read the headline wrong (this stuff happens here, not in NZ). It is frightening the hate that is being spread; it makes my heart hurt.
Mar 15, 2019 20:46:54 GMT -5
saarinista: All of us, IMHO, should try to be civil and kind as much as possible in person and online. I actively Tweet (civilly) on political matters and am horrified by the rancor & trolling on both sides of the spectrum, which only inflames unstable people.
Mar 19, 2019 23:21:20 GMT -5