Along with the Dunning-Kruger effect, I just watched a video about some common bias people have, that seems to fit into the rarional vs irrational thinking that sometimes effects how people act and why.
The relationship (12 year marriage that I’m currently extricating myself from) 17 for 17. Sexlessness was the least of our problems. I think control was one of our biggest problems. Followed closely by condescension, contact criticism, undermining me.
The new ‘thing’ - 0. Is that possible?! But to be honest - I’m majorly gun shy after my shitstorm of a marriage. Any hint of a red flag and I’d be gone. But we communicate proactively. We talk about how we would handle potential problems in the future. We talk about our priorities. We’re on the same page. And there is such a desire to listen and understand when we talk about sensitive or difficult topics.
Life isn’t easy. Some of the choices we’re faced with aren’t easy. But talking to each other - I didn’t know it could be this easy!
This is interesting (FWIW my score based on my old ILIASM deal was the full 17)
See you'd figure that someone in an ILIASM shithole would, at some point, reach a point where say 9 of the things were in play and think "I gotta get out". And as 10 comes up, and 11, then the urge to get out would be coming pretty intense. As points 12, 13, 14, 15 and 16 emerge the need would be coming overwhelming. Then you hit the last one - 17. And you'd figure "that's it". But in my case, that was NOT it. I kept dicking about waiting for 18. Then 19. Then 20, 21, 22 etc.
Red flags only have value if you see them and act on them. Otherwise, all they are is a bit of coloured material on a stick that gets waved about some times.
Ugh. Tough list to read. FWIW we never fought. Unlike feeling that this is a good thing I have often felt it is a sign of lack of engament. Some fighting is natural.
Never fighting is a fight in itself. When one partner denies and avoids any of the problems or concerns, it's the first part of DARVO.
My voice of experience. I was trained to avoid my bipolar mother all during my teen years. I also learned that any confrontation-debating- speaking up for yourself- only made things worse. My mother took a 100% attitude of - she was right, and you where wrong!. End of story. my sister tried to confront her, and only got in more trouble.
A loose, loose situation can lead to false hope. A false sense of peace. The misnomer of keeping peace in the family, while you suffer.
Another reason why people don't ask for what they want.
If there is a "next time" something sexual comes on TV and I am in the room with my W, I am going to say something sililar to "Boy, she really likes the _________________, I wish I was that guy.
At this point, why be shy about stating what you wished you had?
The reason I say this is because I read over and over again where people clam up to avoid any negativity from the spouse. Guess what some refusing spouses say on the "recently Divorced" (mostly women) forum? They say they never heard any complaints from the XH and the D was "out of the blue."
A lot of us refused spouses probably learn (get trained by hostile reactions from the refuser) to not ask for sex. Then the refuser, hearing no complaints (and not wanting to hear any complaints), thinks everything is fine!
I'm amazed at the extreme measures I had to take to get my wife to understand that I wasn't going to endure the no-sex situation any more. I had to take some steps toward divorce, AND openly visit another woman, and my wife was still in shock/denial for another couple months before she finally came around and we started having sex again. See iliasm.org/thread/4694/recovered-sexless-marriage
Now this said something to me because I jokingly mentioned an FWB to my husband and I believe he really has taken it as a joke. Knowing someone else had to press really hard is making me have second thoughts about really having a conversation with him.
Post by northstarmom on May 13, 2019 15:07:30 GMT -5
Cassiopeia, your husband didn’t ask your permission to stop having sex with you even though he jacks off to porn. You even have continued staying with him despite his actions. Why can’t you just tell him, not ask permission, about your having a fwb? Maybe just like you choose to stay for financial reasons and to keep him alive, those reasons also would keep him with you if you outsourced.
frednsa: i saw something on the wedding night (in the 60's) should have ended it during the honeymoon. i was played so perfectly. she is so wonderful in almost every other way, so...still wondering...thinking frigidity is a real thing and untreatable
Aug 29, 2019 12:07:04 GMT -5
worksforme2: Tomorrow is Labor Day 2019, no big plans for the day....thinking seriously of going commando
Sept 1, 2019 11:37:07 GMT -5
worksforme2: Hey ironhamster...I just saw your picture on another site and your head wasn't covered. You actually look better without the bandana....
Sept 2, 2019 11:54:55 GMT -5
javba: Dunno Iron Hamster - I have not seen your other photo - I think you ROCK anyways.
Sept 4, 2019 10:11:42 GMT -5
worksforme2: Happened across Tamara68 on another site, messaged her but she didn't respond...
Sept 15, 2019 13:13:02 GMT -5
elkclan2: Dealing with an escaped gerbil. Fun times.
Sept 16, 2019 13:01:50 GMT -5
misssunnybunny: 1. Hope tamara is doing well. 2. Elkclan2, did you catch the critter???
Sept 17, 2019 15:40:05 GMT -5
worksforme2: Tamara answered me yesterday. She and her partner are moving into a house next week. It's probably about as good as is possible. She didn't comment on the situation with her daughter.
Sept 17, 2019 17:46:02 GMT -5
misssunnybunny: Thanks for the update; just hope she is happy
Sept 17, 2019 19:49:55 GMT -5
workingonit: Elkclan2 my son's gerbil escaped at the same time as his pet snake. I did not think it was a coincidence!
Sept 17, 2019 20:40:26 GMT -5
hopingforachange: Wow, is been forever since I read the shoutbox.
Sept 17, 2019 21:33:01 GMT -5
hopingforachange: I need to set up another Skype session.
Sept 17, 2019 21:33:16 GMT -5