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Post by h on May 21, 2019 8:35:17 GMT -5
h - I understand your concerns and you know your family members. I will tell you that I told my sister very early on about my h’s porn use, his lack of desire for me, the fact that we hadn’t had sex in years, and many other intimate details about our issues. This in no way changed the way she interacted with h- for many years. She knew how important it was to me and respected my wishes. My hope is that you have at least one family member like that. All you need is one. My sister has been an invaluable source of support for me- even now as I navigate through developing relationships with others. She knows everything. I’m very blessed to have her in my life. My immediate family would be obviously awkward around her. I only have one sister and she's the type to intentionally be snide and make comments. My parents would avoid eye contact and over do the small talk because they can't handle uncomfortable topics. I have a couple of cousins who know but I never see them much. One of them is actually in a SM himself but he has accepted it. He just puts more attention into his kids and work but he at least gets the frustration. I spent some time with him fishing this winter, but not very often. We haven't talked much about anything since I came out with the SM deal. It's kind of a conversation killer.
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Post by sadkat on May 21, 2019 10:56:13 GMT -5
h- this cousin who is also in a SM may be a good reliable confidant. My sister doesn’t live close to me. I’m lucky if I get to see her more than once a year. Most of our interactions have been via text or phone calls. Do you think you could reach out to your cousin? Tell him that you are struggling right now and need to run some thoughts by him? You don’t have to tell him you are developing an exit plan (truthfully, I don’t think you are even at the point where you’ve definitely made the decision to leave). I’m just saying that being able to share your concerns with someone you trust to have your back is really valuable and will definitely help you if you do decide to move forward with your exit plan.
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Post by h on May 21, 2019 11:41:56 GMT -5
h - this cousin who is also in a SM may be a good reliable confidant. My sister doesn’t live close to me. I’m lucky if I get to see her more than once a year. Most of our interactions have been via text or phone calls. Do you think you could reach out to your cousin? Tell him that you are struggling right now and need to run some thoughts by him? You don’t have to tell him you are developing an exit plan (truthfully, I don’t think you are even at the point where you’ve definitely made the decision to leave). I’m just saying that being able to share your concerns with someone you trust to have your back is really valuable and will definitely help you if you do decide to move forward with your exit plan. I don't see him enough to really have many deep conversations. It came up naturally in conversation about having children and I told him why we didn't have any and likely never would. Since then, it's never come up. I also got the impression that talking about it was difficult for him because listening to me forced him to think about his own bad deal. He got quiet after I opened up and nothing has been said since. I don't think he's really ready to confront his own situation so I can't really lay my problems on him too.
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Post by isthisit on May 21, 2019 14:26:23 GMT -5
Its took a long time for me to talk about this its not something you bring up down the pub with your mates ive found this site but its mainly US its a shame there is not a UK site where maybe we could meet up with other people who are going through this i thought i was on my own but im not johnsand10 the international aspect of this forum is one of its strengths. You will find a variety of cultures and perspectives you would not gain from a UK only site. These views can be conflicting and challenging but much more often humorous. I recently inadvertently introduced the N American continent to the word ‘numpty’ and in return I learned that the word ‘junk’ may not necessarily refer to the stuff you have forgotten about in the loft. Have some fun with it.
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Post by johnsand10 on May 21, 2019 14:46:17 GMT -5
Thank you dont get me wrong i like this site it was just a general coment its nice to talk with other people from different countries especially as we all seem to have the same problems
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Post by sadkat on May 21, 2019 14:53:27 GMT -5
h - this cousin who is also in a SM may be a good reliable confidant. My sister doesn’t live close to me. I’m lucky if I get to see her more than once a year. Most of our interactions have been via text or phone calls. Do you think you could reach out to your cousin? Tell him that you are struggling right now and need to run some thoughts by him? You don’t have to tell him you are developing an exit plan (truthfully, I don’t think you are even at the point where you’ve definitely made the decision to leave). I’m just saying that being able to share your concerns with someone you trust to have your back is really valuable and will definitely help you if you do decide to move forward with your exit plan. I don't see him enough to really have many deep conversations. It came up naturally in conversation about having children and I told him why we didn't have any and likely never would. Since then, it's never come up. I also got the impression that talking about it was difficult for him because listening to me forced him to think about his own bad deal. He got quiet after I opened up and nothing has been said since. I don't think he's really ready to confront his own situation so I can't really lay my problems on him too. That’s really too bad. I hope you’ll be able to create new relationships soon. It’s something I think you should place a priority on. It will certainly help improve your perspective on things. I’m sorry your work environment isn’t great. That has to be hard too!
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Post by h on May 22, 2019 7:04:30 GMT -5
I don't see him enough to really have many deep conversations. It came up naturally in conversation about having children and I told him why we didn't have any and likely never would. Since then, it's never come up. I also got the impression that talking about it was difficult for him because listening to me forced him to think about his own bad deal. He got quiet after I opened up and nothing has been said since. I don't think he's really ready to confront his own situation so I can't really lay my problems on him too. That’s really too bad. I hope you’ll be able to create new relationships soon. It’s something I think you should place a priority on. It will certainly help improve your perspective on things. I’m sorry your work environment isn’t great. That has to be hard too! I will be able to be open with my family after the decision is final and I tell W that it's over. I admit that I was less than certain before, but that changed this weekend. She decided that we needed to get a dog last week and brought one home last Friday. It was then that I realized how low I am on her priority list. She is always busy with work from her job that she brings home because she can't finish it during the day. She's always exhausted and never has any time or energy to pay attention to me but she will rearrange her whole life around a new puppy. It is obviously more important for her to have a dog than to have a husband. And on top of all that, she still doesn't have enough time to take care of him so she basically just brought home more responsibilities for me. He's a great dog. He came from a rescue shelter and loves our home. I'm glad we got him for three reasons: 1 He pays more attention to me than she does so I'm not going to be as lonely in the interim. 2 W getting him really showed me how little she thinks about me. 3 W will need him more than me after I finally drop the bad news on her. (After appropriate legal counsel of course.) It will make it easier for her to let me go if she has him to focus her attention on.
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Post by sadkat on May 22, 2019 8:56:56 GMT -5
h- I can understand your feelings. I’m sorry you’re going through this. My concern is that you will not find it as easy as you think to tell your W you want out of your marriage. Since my experience has been recent and fresh in my head, I have a pretty good idea of what you are thinking. You’ve got it all planned out in your head and you have a conviction about your plan. But, when it comes to actually executing it, it’s much more difficult. You can prepare as much as possible for your discussion but you really don’t know what your W’s reaction will be or how she will respond to what you are saying to her. When our spouses are faced with the very real reality of a major change like this, they won’t accept it as easily. Regardless of how you might feel today, it isn’t pleasant to give this kind of news to someone you have loved and lived with for such a long time. That’s why it’s good to have a sounding block to share your thoughts with. If you are able to confide in your family at the same time you are dropping the news to your W, that would be helpful. And you also have those of us here to support you. As for the puppy- I’m envious. I would love to have one but am sensible enough to understand that I need to wait until after I settle down in my new place.
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Post by northstarmom on May 22, 2019 9:10:34 GMT -5
I agree with sadkat that telling your wife will be more difficult than you imagine. After all, it is hard for you to talk to anyone about your feelings. This is why individual therapy could be helpful including by giving you practice in sharing your true self with another person.
Sounds like your wife isn’t taking responsibility for the dog. The dog basically is your dog. You and the dog are bonding so if divorce occurs the dog should go with you. You wife may like the dream of a dog but not the reality of taking care of one. Similar to how she feels about marriage. Don’t assume she will need the dog more than you will.
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Post by sadkat on May 22, 2019 9:15:15 GMT -5
For today- more speed questions. It’s supposed to be one word answers but I’m breaking the rules this time.
TV or Books? iPhone or Android? Do you prefer the city or the country? Are you a night owl or a morning person? What color are your eyes? What do you suffer with the most- the heat or the cold? Road trips or Airplanes? Dogs or Cats? Would you prefer to vacation in Europe or South America? Shower or Bath?
My answers:
TV or Books? Books IPhone or Android? IPhone Do you prefer the city or the country? The country Are you a night owl or a morning person? Definitely NOT a morning person! 😂 What color are your eyes? Green What do you suffer with the most- the heat or the cold? The cold Road trips or Airplanes: Road trips! Dogs or Cats? Dogs Would you prefer to vacation in Europe or South America? South America Shower or Bath? Shower (but a bath would be really appealing if someone would join me).
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Post by northstarmom on May 22, 2019 9:21:29 GMT -5
TV or Books? Books iPhone or Android? iPhone Do you prefer the city or the country? City Are you a night owl or a morning person? Night What color are your eyes? Brown What do you suffer with the most- the heat or the cold? Heat Road trips or Airplanes? Road Dogs or Cats? Dogs Would you prefer to vacation in Europe or South America? Europe Shower or Bath? Shower
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Post by h on May 22, 2019 9:26:55 GMT -5
TV or Books? Books iPhone or Android? Android Do you prefer the city or the country? Country Are you a night owl or a morning person? Morning What color are your eyes? Not sure the right word for it? What do you suffer with the most- the heat or the cold? Hate the heat. Road trips or Airplanes? Road trips Dogs or Cats? Dogs Would you prefer to vacation in Europe or South America? Neither. Hawaii. Shower or Bath? Shower
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Post by DryCreek on May 22, 2019 9:49:03 GMT -5
Books iPhone Country Night owl Blue-grey Cold Road trips (I love the faraway places that planes can get me to, but road trips are an experience unto themselves) Cats Europe (actually, I want to go everywhere, but Europe’s higher on my list) Shower (especially with a partner)
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Post by saarinista on May 22, 2019 12:01:00 GMT -5
both at the same time. android both night owl green heat airplanss dogs europe both
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Post by Deleted on May 22, 2019 12:47:18 GMT -5
TV or Books? Both iPhone or Android? Android Do you prefer the city or the country? Country Are you a night owl or a morning person? Night owl What color are your eyes? Brown What do you suffer with the most- the heat or the cold? Heat Road trips or Airplanes? Airplane Dogs or Cats? Cats Would you prefer to vacation in Europe or South America? Both Shower or Bath? Shower
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