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Post by h on May 20, 2019 10:29:45 GMT -5
Ok- time for another “deep thought” question: Are you afraid of letting others get close to you? Why? For me, I used to. I’m a very private person- and I don’t usually like to share things about myself that I’m uncomfortable with. Add to that- I realized that I was constantly pursuing perfectionism in hopes that my h would find me appealing. I couldn’t admit to anyone that I had imperfections. This is one of the key things I’ve learned through counseling- we are all imperfect and sharing those imperfections with others makes us human and more relatable. I’m better today than I was but still have a lot of work to do. It is very scary being vulnerable but it’s a very important part of living the life you want to live. Yes. I will have a very difficult time opening up to my next relationship. I don't really connect with anyone in real life. I think this stems from the embarrassment I felt about the SM. I never wanted people to find out about it because I thought it was my fault. Now that I have a plan to get out, I don't want to tip my hand to W so I still can't open up to friends or family. It will be a steep learning curve for me when I get out.
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Post by Handy on May 20, 2019 13:13:58 GMT -5
I try to not over share with most people because I am cautious about some of them being uncomfortable or me really not realizing that I have over shared some of my bad stuff. My belief is if you under or over share information about yourself, there is some type of cost.
Like H, there is a learning curve associated with all relationships because personalities vary. It is a balancing act that needs fine tuning depending on the time and persons involved..
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Post by northstarmom on May 20, 2019 13:23:16 GMT -5
H said: “I don't really connect with anyone in real life. I think this stems from the embarrassment I felt about the SM. I never wanted people to find out about it because I thought it was my fault. Now that I have a plan to get out, I don't want to tip my hand to W so I still can't open up to friends or family. It will be a steep learning curve for me when I get out.”
Time to start expanding your circle of friendships and establishing friendships independent of your wife. Otherwise, when you divorce, your joint friends with your wife may desert you especially if she has been the one who cultivated those relationships and shared about her life with them.
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Post by h on May 20, 2019 13:55:10 GMT -5
H said: “I don't really connect with anyone in real life. I think this stems from the embarrassment I felt about the SM. I never wanted people to find out about it because I thought it was my fault. Now that I have a plan to get out, I don't want to tip my hand to W so I still can't open up to friends or family. It will be a steep learning curve for me when I get out.” Time to start expanding your circle of friendships and establishing friendships independent of your wife. Otherwise, when you divorce, your joint friends with your wife may desert you especially if she has been the one who cultivated those relationships and shared about her life with them. I know that our joint friends will go with her. The only joint friends we have were her friends first or spouses of her friends. My point was that even with my own friends, I don't have close connections with them. I don't have close connections with anyone at all in real life. There is nobody in real life that I have conversations with involving anything more personal than weekend activities or tv shows we both watch.
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Post by sadkat on May 20, 2019 13:59:23 GMT -5
h- I agree with NSM- you would feel a lot better if you had friends of your own. Sharing your hurt with a trusted friend is very therapeutic. Also, there’s no reason why you can’t share what you are going through with a trusted family member. If it’s a member of your immediate family, there’s no reason for your W to find out about your plans. I’m also really sorry you are at the stage where you are considering your exit plan- I know you had high hopes over the Holidays. If you are seriously considering getting out, the best thing you can do right now is start working on building a life you’ll be happy living when you are single again.
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Post by northstarmom on May 20, 2019 14:59:27 GMT -5
“My point was that even with my own friends, I don't have close connections with them. I don't have close connections with anyone at all in real life. There is nobody in real life that I have conversations with involving anything more personal than weekend activities or tv shows we both watch.”
Now is the time to deepen those relationships whether or not you choose to share in about your sm with them. If you wait til after your divorce you will come off as desperate or pitiful because you will likely be very lonely and lost since you will have navigated divorce without friend support. You can deepen your friendships by being there for your friends now. Likely they have stressed that they could use your support with.
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Post by northstarmom on May 20, 2019 15:02:04 GMT -5
And even if you weren’t considering divorce you still would need close friendships of your own. All marriages end. Even the best partner can’t be all things to you.
The earlier you start trying to develop close relationships the better it will be because it’s something that takes time and experience.
Individual therapy also may help you with this.
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Post by h on May 20, 2019 15:11:58 GMT -5
h - I agree with NSM- you would feel a lot better if you had friends of your own. Sharing your hurt with a trusted friend is very therapeutic. Also, there’s no reason why you can’t share what you are going through with a trusted family member. If it’s a member of your immediate family, there’s no reason for your W to find out about your plans. I’m also really sorry you are at the stage where you are considering your exit plan- I know you had high hopes over the Holidays. If you are seriously considering getting out, the best thing you can do right now is start working on building a life you’ll be happy living when you are single again. I don't have family members who could keep a secret. We see my immediate family often enough that they wouldn't be able to avoid treating her differently and she would notice the change and become suspicious. I absolutely can't tell any of my immediate family until events are already set in motion. It would throw a wrench in the whole process. As for my friends, I just don't see them enough to have the opportunity to get close. Ever since I was transferred to a different position at work, our schedules don't line up anymore. I haven't seen any of them since a party last Halloween. I don't have any work friends at my current position because before they even got a chance to know me, they immediately started throwing me under the bus to our supervisor because they saw me as a threat. I trust nobody at work and most days have no interaction with coworkers.
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Post by sadkat on May 20, 2019 15:52:33 GMT -5
h- I understand your concerns and you know your family members. I will tell you that I told my sister very early on about my h’s porn use, his lack of desire for me, the fact that we hadn’t had sex in years, and many other intimate details about our issues. This in no way changed the way she interacted with h- for many years. She knew how important it was to me and respected my wishes. My hope is that you have at least one family member like that. All you need is one. My sister has been an invaluable source of support for me- even now as I navigate through developing relationships with others. She knows everything. I’m very blessed to have her in my life.
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Post by isthisit on May 20, 2019 16:40:15 GMT -5
Ok- time for another “deep thought” question: Are you afraid of letting others get close to you? Why? I am also a super guarded person who values her privacy above all else. For this reason I have never used FB, Twitter, Insta-thingy etc. I have turned warm and engaging yet stay-at-arms-length into an art form. I am so very, very careful who I ‘let in’. I am not sure why I am this way, instinct I suppose. I have an overwhelming instinct to be quietly unobtrusive in all things, yet to those who really know me I can be feisty and playful and most things in between. I would really like to understand this aspect of myself more clearly. Recently and very unexpectedly I allowed someone ‘in’ for reasons I still cannot explain. It was pure instinct that this person was ‘safe’ and something almost beyond my control. Luckily, this has been really good for me at a time when I needed someone to listen, reflect with me and make me laugh more than ever. Maybe I can try to learn from this and aim to be a little less guarded in the future.
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Post by johnsand10 on May 20, 2019 16:46:25 GMT -5
Hi my name is john ive been in a sexless mariage for 15 years not had sex for 12 years ive read a lot on this forum some if it helps but some makes it worse im in the uk
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Post by isthisit on May 20, 2019 16:50:19 GMT -5
Hi my name is john ive been in a sexless mariage for 15 years not had sex for 12 years ive read a lot on this forum some if it helps but some makes it worse im in the uk Hello John, I'm sorry you have reason to join us, but you are very welcome anyway. When you are ready to, please post more of your story on the introductions section. I am in the UK too there are a few of us.
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Post by johnsand10 on May 20, 2019 16:53:11 GMT -5
Hiya its been not good ive felt ive done everything right but im in a room on my own have been for 12 years but feel now is the time to move on
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Post by johnsand10 on May 20, 2019 17:05:55 GMT -5
Its took a long time for me to talk about this its not something you bring up down the pub with your mates ive found this site but its mainly US its a shame there is not a UK site where maybe we could meet up with other people who are going through this i thought i was on my own but im not
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Post by northstarmom on May 20, 2019 21:27:28 GMT -5
johnsand10 said: "its a shame there is not a UK site where maybe we could meet up with other people who are going through this ....'
There are people here who are in the UK. If you're interested in organizing some kind of meet-up with UK folks, post about it in the Off Topic forum. That's how ILIASM meet-ups have been created before. There is at least one member here who lives in the UK and has expressed interested in such a meeting but has never posted to try to organize one.
There also have been group phone conversations that have been organized.
So, if you're interested, go for it. Keep in mind, too, that while there are more US people here, the U.S. is so much bigger than the UK that a UK meet-up may get more attendees than one in the US. There was a ILIASM meet-up in my state, but it would have been a 5 hour drive and I didn't have time to go.
Starting your own thread will make your posts available to people who don't read question of the day.
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