|
Post by jamesbonding on Oct 21, 2018 19:40:07 GMT -5
Hey guys and gals. Right so firstly hi new here and not to sure how this works but I need help. Ok so I’m a guy in a sexless marriage and the flip this time is it’s my fault. I have a really low or no sex drive and I’ve the last few years it’s driven my wife insain to the point she’s a complete wreck. I love her dearly and hate to see the pain I put her throw. But I’m lost as what to do. I’ve spocken to my dr and have seen a councillor (just once) and we start to build a sex life for me to destroy it again has anyone found something to help. I know she comes on to these sites and hearing her talk about what she reads kills me each time yet I let her down over and over again. Thanks for taking the time to read. innerself , can I just say as a woman in a sexless marriage, I want to grab you and hug you so hard for what you are doing right now that your wife likely doesn’t recognize yet. The fact that you have enough self-awareness to recognize your shortcomings in the relationship, to proactively take action through tests, seeking medical help, counseling and even posting on this forum, are commendable and admirable. You have demonstrated a willingness to take responsibility for yourself and your role as a partner in your marriage, and a genuine interest in your wife’s well-being and happiness. That is more than what many of us here will ever see. Thank you for showing up and making, what seem to be, genuine attempts at repairing the broken parts of your marriage. Whether or not the outcome of your actions will improve the quality of your marriage remains to be seen (after all, you can only work on yourself and there’s another person involved who must work on herself, and then you must work together because you both value each other and your life together). But, what I do know, is that as long as you sincerely seek out ways to better yourself, *your* quality of life, self-respect, self-love, and inner strength will improve. Keep showing up in all the ways you can. We’re here for you. I would like to echo what heartbrokengirl said 1000 times. Heck, I would like to give you a big bear-hug, and thank you for being so considerate to your wife. You are welcome here! Please stick around and keep us informed about your progress. Your reports about what does or doesn't work for you could be extremely useful to others on this forum. If you don't mind, I'd like to ask some more questions in order to understand your situation better. First of all, what is your history with regard to frequency of sex? I.e. were you and your wife both satisfied with the frequency of sex in the first few years of your marriage? What is your frequency now? How long has it been like that? Did the drop in frequency coincide with some other life event, such as going back to school? "I do think about sex but worry that the I prefer the idea of sex over acutely having sex. The sex with my wife is the best of my life so it’s not even like it’s disappointing when it happens. I still find w attractive so that’s not changed." I find that fascinating. Do you have any idea about why there is a disconnect between thinking about sex (in a positive way, I assume?) and actually doing it? When you're in bed with your wife and she gives some sign that she wants sex, what goes through your mind? What's keeping you from just doing it? Do you have ED? Do you go to bed together at about the same time? Do you snuggle up with each other? (If your wife's primary love language is physical touch, and you aren't doing much snuggling or other touching, that could be adding to your wife's frustration. If your primary love language is not physical touch, it may be hard for you to understand how important touch is for those of us whose primary love language is physical touch. If you aren't familiar with the idea of love languages, I highly recommend taking the quiz at 5lovelanguages.com and reading one of the books.) I'd suggest that you keep a detailed diary about your sex life. It can help you figure out what works. Again, welcome, innerself . I wish you luck in finding a resolution that makes everyone happy. (To the ILIASM old timers: has a "refuser" ever shown up on this forum before now, looking for ways to not be a refuser, as innerself seems to be doing? This seems like quite an unusual event!)
|
|
|
Post by baza on Oct 22, 2018 0:20:54 GMT -5
To jamesbonding . Two that readily spring to mind are Sisters seekinganswers and tiffanyc (she hasn't posted anything since August 2017) Reading their full run of posts you might find illuminating.
|
|
|
Post by flashjohn on Oct 22, 2018 13:36:50 GMT -5
Go to this site & see if there is a doctor in your area. www.biotemedical.com/If your doctor says you are "borderline" low testosterone, you are probably extremely low. In 2014, I had mine tested and it was 416. That doctor said I was in the "Normal" range. She did not mention that the normal range was 400-1100. I had the testosterone level of an 80 year old man. Then I went to a doctor in 2016 and it was 186. I got on the testosterone pellets, and I feel wonderful. I stay at about a 1000 now.
|
|
|
Post by shamwow on Oct 22, 2018 13:54:29 GMT -5
Any antidepressant use ? Serious libido killers there. Same with alcohol. I used to use that to deliberately try to suppress my libido to reduce the pain I felt in my SM.
|
|
|
Post by flounder on Oct 22, 2018 19:03:16 GMT -5
Any antidepressant use ? Serious libido killers there. Same with alcohol. I used to use that to deliberately try to suppress my libido to reduce the pain I felt in my SM. I used to use it to suppress everything.
|
|
|
Post by shamwow on Oct 22, 2018 19:27:07 GMT -5
Same with alcohol. I used to use that to deliberately try to suppress my libido to reduce the pain I felt in my SM. I used to use it to suppress everything. Sadly I can relate, brother.
|
|
|
Post by flounder on Oct 22, 2018 19:42:15 GMT -5
I used to use it to suppress everything. Sadly I can relate, brother. Thank God that shit is over !
|
|
|
Post by shamwow on Oct 22, 2018 20:00:14 GMT -5
Sadly I can relate, brother. Thank God that shit is over ! Fuck. Yes. So much more poisoning me than a sexless marriage, although that was what fueled most of the others.
|
|
|
Post by flounder on Oct 22, 2018 20:33:01 GMT -5
Thank God that shit is over ! Fuck. Yes. So much more poisoning than me than a sexless marriage, although that was what fueled most of the others. Glad you’ve found happiness on the other side brother.
|
|
|
Post by nyartgal on Oct 23, 2018 18:27:24 GMT -5
I’m no doctor but I agree the testosterone thing could be it. Also, as hard as it is to work and go to school, I guarantee you that if you get regular cardiovascular exercise, you will feel more energetic and that will help you battle the nothingness blues. Just getting the heart pumping will help circulation, and your mood. And your self image.
In the meantime, don’t keep your wife waiting in the dark. Tell her you are going to the doctor, you’re trying things, and give yourself a deadline she can hold you to. You don’t have forever to figure this out. If you want to keep her, you’re going to have to give it everything you’ve got.
|
|
jetcity
Junior Member
Searching for an answer
Posts: 62
Age Range: 51-55
|
Post by jetcity on Oct 25, 2018 13:23:54 GMT -5
Sounds like you really do love your wife and are concerned about her happiness. That’s more consideration than a lot of the people on this site give to their spouse. Have you talked to your wife about your issue and the fact you know she’s on this site? That would be step 1. If you really love your wife and don’t think you can live without her you damn well better do something about it soon! If you read the comments from refused spouses you will understand they reach a breaking point, emotional shutdown, outsourcing or divorce. One of these things WILL happen if you don’t address the situation. If you have to take “the little blue pill” once or twice a month consider it investing into the longevity of your marriage. Talk to her today, right now! Hopefully she’s not to far gone. The biggest mistake of your life will be letting her go. Regret is a terrible thing to live with.
|
|