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Post by innerself on Oct 20, 2018 16:16:44 GMT -5
Hey guys and gals. Right so firstly hi new here and not to sure how this works but I need help.
Ok so I’m a guy in a sexless marriage and the flip this time is it’s my fault. I have a really low or no sex drive and I’ve the last few years it’s driven my wife insain to the point she’s a complete wreck.
I love her dearly and hate to see the pain I put her throw. But I’m lost as what to do. I’ve spocken to my dr and have seen a councillor (just once) and we start to build a sex life for me to destroy it again has anyone found something to help.
I know she comes on to these sites and hearing her talk about what she reads kills me each time yet I let her down over and over again.
Thanks for taking the time to read.
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Post by h on Oct 20, 2018 17:09:50 GMT -5
Welcome innerself and I would like to say, thank you for having the courage to recognize the problem. We don't often get the chance to hear from the other side of these situations very much. I sincerely hope that you find some help here. Perhaps your wife would also benefit from joining the conversation here.
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Post by flounder on Oct 20, 2018 17:19:33 GMT -5
What does the doctor/therapist say ?
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Post by baza on Oct 20, 2018 17:52:28 GMT -5
What are you actually prepared to do innerself ? You have apparently "spoken to a doctor" and also attended "1 counselling session" - so there seems to be a lot of scope of things you have not tried. But it's all going to swing on what you are prepared to do. A scenario for you.... You seriously undertake a medical regime and a counselling regime and have a red hot go at this matter....but find that there is not much in the way of result. Would you be amenable to opening up the marriage so your missus could outsource her sex life ? Would you be prepared to amicably end the marriage so you could (both) be free to pursue life partners with more compatible people ? That is an extreme end of the spectrum, but is it something you would be prepared to do ?
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Post by northstarmom on Oct 20, 2018 18:06:57 GMT -5
Did the doctor have any lab tests done on you? What were the results of talking to your doctor?
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Post by Handy on Oct 20, 2018 19:50:14 GMT -5
innerself, Welcome to the forum. I think we can help but first we need more to work on. We are a friendly bunch so no one is going to try to criticize you. Some information might not be correct or a little difficult to understand. We are not professionals but have dealt with this subject for a long time and have a good feel for what MIGHT help.
1. What is/are your reason/s you don't have much interest in sex with your wife (W)? 2. Would you have any interest in a sexual relationship with ANYONE else given an unlimited choice? 3. Other than sex, do you share many values? 4. How do you spend your time? 5. How does she spend her time? 6. Any erection difficulties? 7. What is your opinion of your W? 8. How are the family finances? 9. Do you do things together? 10.What is your physical health and appearance like? 11.What is her physical health and appearance like? I am not being nosy. So far you haven't given us much information to go on to help you. Without some more to go on we could suggest hundreds of things that might not be relevant and it would take longer, not to mention much wasted time.
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Post by innerself on Oct 21, 2018 3:25:36 GMT -5
Wow such a response not sure where to start.
So had bloods done at the dr and although previously my testosterone had been low this time it was boarder line so no meds offered.
My therapist suggested planing sex and spending time together and that worked at the start but soon slipped.
We have both aged and put weight on since we got together. We have 4 children who can be a pain but we love dearly. I’m a part time student with a full time job w is also a student.
I do think about sex but worry that the I prefer the idea of sex over acutely having sex.
The sex with my wife is the best of my life so it’s not even like it’s disappointing when it happens.
I still find w attractive so that’s not changed.
As for opening up the relationship or splitting to find more equally matched partners I honestly think it would break me. I would be lost without her I really don’t want anyone else.
She is my everything and I truly hate myself for putting her through this.
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Post by h on Oct 21, 2018 6:44:59 GMT -5
Putting on weight may be part of the problem. Overweight men's bodies produce less testosterone. A regular exercise regimen may help with that. Also, scheduling sex can give you the opportunity to be thinking about it in advance and the anticipation can help boost drive. Also, your diet can impact your testosterone levels. A quick Google search can show you what foods to cut out of your diet.
Aside from these and other medical solutions, you may have to accept the fact that you will never be able to make it work. Maybe you could arrange with your wife a "don't ask don't tell" system so you can live together and coparent but she gets her sexual needs met elsewhere.
I really do applaud your courage coming here and I really don't want to make you feel worse, but I suspect that the lack of sex in your marriage is probably destroying your wife. Not knowing her, I can't say for sure but coming from the perspective of many of us in her situation, we NEED sex to feel loved and without it, everything else you do combined isn't enough to make up for the lack of sex. It infects the rest of our lives draining our confidence until it affects work, friendships, family relationships, and even our health.
As a refused spouse, I have intentionally quit exercising and eating healthy to reduce my testosterone production so I can survive with some of my sanity. In the early years of my marriage, it hurt me so much that I even thought about suicide. Again, I'm not saying this to make you feel guilty. I just want you to understand how serious this is from the side of the refused. If you want to save your marriage, you need to be willing to make serious changes. You may not be happy with the lengths you will be required to compromise and if not, you may have to accept the fact that your situation is unfixable. Sometimes people just don't belong together and it's nobody's fault.
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Post by baza on Oct 21, 2018 6:59:34 GMT -5
The key to the resolution of this situation probably doesn't reside with you innerself. You may, or may not be willing and capable of the radical changes you'd need to make. The wild card is your missus. She may be prepared to make radical changes to her life if you are not prepared to make some radical changes to yours.
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Post by shamwow on Oct 21, 2018 7:57:55 GMT -5
Do you have your testosterone numbers?
Borderline is not optimal. It merely means you are not going to be medically ill as a result.
I had several friends similar to you who had borderline results. They got on a testosterone patch and began to feel like "themselves" again. Both in bed and out of bed.
Don't know if this is your situation or not (need more info), but it sounds like it's worth further investigation.
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Post by heartbrokengirl on Oct 21, 2018 9:06:22 GMT -5
Hey guys and gals. Right so firstly hi new here and not to sure how this works but I need help. Ok so I’m a guy in a sexless marriage and the flip this time is it’s my fault. I have a really low or no sex drive and I’ve the last few years it’s driven my wife insain to the point she’s a complete wreck. I love her dearly and hate to see the pain I put her throw. But I’m lost as what to do. I’ve spocken to my dr and have seen a councillor (just once) and we start to build a sex life for me to destroy it again has anyone found something to help. I know she comes on to these sites and hearing her talk about what she reads kills me each time yet I let her down over and over again. Thanks for taking the time to read. innerself, can I just say as a woman in a sexless marriage, I want to grab you and hug you so hard for what you are doing right now that your wife likely doesn’t recognize yet. The fact that you have enough self-awareness to recognize your shortcomings in the relationship, to proactively take action through tests, seeking medical help, counseling and even posting on this forum, are commendable and admirable. You have demonstrated a willingness to take responsibility for yourself and your role as a partner in your marriage, and a genuine interest in your wife’s well-being and happiness. That is more than what many of us here will ever see. Thank you for showing up and making, what seem to be, genuine attempts at repairing the broken parts of your marriage. Whether or not the outcome of your actions will improve the quality of your marriage remains to be seen (after all, you can only work on yourself and there’s another person involved who must work on herself, and then you must work together because you both value each other and your life together). But, what I do know, is that as long as you sincerely seek out ways to better yourself, *your* quality of life, self-respect, self-love, and inner strength will improve. Keep showing up in all the ways you can. We’re here for you.
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Post by heartbrokengirl on Oct 21, 2018 9:13:22 GMT -5
innerself, what I meant to add above too is that though you may work on yourself, it may not still end in a repaired and happy marriage. Like baza said, there are wild cards. Sometimes effort and capability will not be enough to meet the needs of your wife, and you may need to be ready to accept that. Just know it’s not a reflection that you’re “good enough” or of the kind of person you are. Sometimes all the effort in the world doesn’t matter for incompatible people. Just...thank you for making the effort before you’ve made the determination on the outcome of your marriage.
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Post by northstarmom on Oct 21, 2018 9:26:24 GMT -5
Hats off to you for doing your best to address the problem. I suggest consulting with another doctor. It may be that you could benefit from t shots. Before I started dating him, my post sm partner of 5 years noticed he had lost his sex drive. He also didn’t “feel like a man” as he put it. He had low energy, lacked drrve at work, and was depressed. He was in his mid 50s. Even though he had no partner then he went to his doc and had his t level checked. It always had been high, but lab tests showed his t level was low. He started getting monthly t shots and went back to feeling like himself. When I came along, he was ready. At 66, we have sex at least 3 times a week. During the honeymoon stage of our relationship sometimes we had sex 5 times a day! I remember a guy who posted here of on iliasm’s precursor EP that his doc had said his t level was fine but in truth his t level was at the average level for a man decades older. So your doc could be doing a similar misguided analysis of your t level. I don’t think most gps know that much about sex drives. Most men probably are too embarrassed to talk about sex problems. Some docs may not be that sexual themselves. So get another opinion and also find out your t level and look up information about what it might mean. Also see if you’ve had previous t tests and whether there has been a dramatic decrease in your t level. Most psychotherapists lack training in sex therapy. Make sure your counselor has this training. Once you find such a person get their advice on what doctor to use for a medical consultation.
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Post by innerself on Oct 21, 2018 13:21:40 GMT -5
Hey all thanks for all the feed back.
So tomorrow I’ll be back on to the dr to get retested and compare my levels.
I can’t give up without a fight my main failing as with so many other things is not seeing things through and letting day to day nothingness get in the way.
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Post by flounder on Oct 21, 2018 14:57:15 GMT -5
Any antidepressant use ? Serious libido killers there.
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