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Post by flounder on Sept 29, 2018 5:41:09 GMT -5
For much of my life I have wished my dad had left my mom years ago. I can see how he is a shell of his former self and it has been hard to watch. My three siblings and I have discussed this openly for many years - it’s that obvious. Parents in unhappy marriages are not fooling their children. My siblings and I all love our parents but it is exhausting to be around them. You are right iceman that none of us visit as often because we don’t want to have to deal with the emotional turmoil and fighting. One of the driving factors for me in leaving my SM was the horrible model we were setting for our son. I am another parent of a child with special needs and although leaving made it harder on me physically (since I no longer have a supposed partner), it made it easier on me mentally/emotionally. I believe leaving has made me a better parent. I believe it will also have a better effect on my son than staying would have. However, I DO realize that due to the age of my son (three), it was a bit of an easier choice for me to leave as he is still so young, there is less of on impact on him. I truly don’t know what my decision would have been if I found myself here and at the crossroads of “Stay or Go?” even 5 years later when he’s 8 years old. And that was another driving factor for me leaving quickly: I knew ending the marriage was the right thing and I needed to make it happen before the decision became even harder for me to make. Good timing. My son is 6. It won’t be too many years before I’m the only one who can handle him.
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Post by northstarmom on Sept 29, 2018 10:43:11 GMT -5
Also think about what remaining long-term in a miserable marriage is doing to you. By the time my dad died, my mom was in her 70s and although she was reasonably healthy, she had become a chronically bitter, depressed woman. It was depressing being in her company. For instance, when one of my sons interviewed her for an elementary school project, he asked her what her goals are. Her answer was: "To die in peace." She also told my sons that every night she prayed to die.
Is that the kind of person you want to grow into?
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Post by iceman on Oct 1, 2018 13:40:37 GMT -5
Also think about what remaining long-term in a miserable marriage is doing to you. By the time my dad died, my mom was in her 70s and although she was reasonably healthy, she had become a chronically bitter, depressed woman. It was depressing being in her company. For instance, when one of my sons interviewed her for an elementary school project, he asked her what her goals are. Her answer was: "To die in peace." She also told my sons that every night she prayed to die. Is that the kind of person you want to grow into? That is one of my big worries. I do feel like I’m a shell of the person I used to be. And I feel my wife is even more of a shell of her former self than I am. If we can pull ourself apart from each other I think we’ll both be better off in the long run. It’s just SO hard to pull ourselves apart from each other ....
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Post by elkclan2 on Oct 1, 2018 14:35:56 GMT -5
My marriage was pretty bad. I was miserable. I didn't think there would be much of the rest of my life I'd stayed. At one point I thought about staying another 10 years (son out of school) and I thought - I'll be dead by then.
Now I'm out. I'm happy and I have a wonderful relationship. I'm sitting in here typing while my partner helps my son with his homework (it happens to be his specific area of expertise - I usually handle the homework.)
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Post by saarinista on Oct 2, 2018 3:01:17 GMT -5
My parents had a pretty miserable marriage and I often wished they'd divorced. I don't think they were compatible and they bickered constantly. I often felt compelled as a child and teen to try to fix their fighting, etc. but of course, I failed. Alas, that maladaptive coping technique has stuck with me into adulthood, despite lots of therapy. I automatically feel that I have to take responsibility for any problem or bad relationship. Also, I focus on other peoples' problems befor my own. I've trained myself to recognize when I go into those automatic old behaviors and stop myself, but it sure is a lot of work. iceman it's very hard to extricate yourself even from a bad marriage, but if you've tried therapy for years and it becomes evident that it's hopeless, I would say consider leaving. Do NOT stay for the kids. That's just my take.
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