I’ve been ruminating myself to crazy status.
I so long to be a vital half of a close & loving partnership. “I need to count my blessings, I only have first world problems, etc.”
What is my role in this marriage devoid of any emotional/physical intimacy? What am I willing/able to do about it?
What sense does it make that I can feel more intimate with chance encounters at Whole Foods or that I feel my eyes light up with strangers and random interactions?
That I’m a more solid person when I am not with my h. That I love & seek eye contact with all people in my world except the spouse.
I think about things like - when did I stop fantasizing about my spouse and for how years now I have -during our very sparse sexual interactions - been fantasizing about other men. It is easy and enjoyable to share my daily interactions and general thoughts with friends and ILIASM forums but not with the h.
What is my role in ending up here?
Is this just the SM stress trying to eat me alive?
Have fellow posters found themselves beating themselves up with this?
What if I’m the bigger ½ of the problem?