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Post by ironhamster on Aug 2, 2018 11:15:01 GMT -5
I remember a catch phrase that some organization used a few years ago, "refuse to be a victim." They taught defensive strategies that would help prevent bad things from happening. Change the mindset, avoid bad situations, be aware of the situation, be prepared,... Why? Well, because we do not live in a perfect world, and bad things happen.
In retrospect, I am sure we can all look back and think of what we should have done differently. I don't think the refused are at fault, just taken advantage of.
When my eldest was preparing to get married a year ago, and I was still in my shithole, I had a number of talks where I was cryptic, but did my best to give her what she needed to survive if she ended up in a bad situation. When news of my situation broke, the pieces fit together and she understood my side. Within the first year of her marriage, she saw some patterns forming, and had a number of talks with her new husband. Things got worse. She is not staying with that mess. She knows what a marriage looks like when there is only one committed member in it, and she is not going to repeat my mistake. Thanks to the words and ideas of the members on this board that helped me to get my message across, there is one less victim of a refuser, and she is very dear to me, and she will have a much happier life.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 2, 2018 12:32:42 GMT -5
I remember a catch phrase that some organization used a few years ago, "refuse to be a victim." They taught defensive strategies that would help prevent bad things from happening. Change the mindset, avoid bad situations, be aware of the situation, be prepared,... Why? Well, because we do not live in a perfect world, and bad things happen. In retrospect, I am sure we can all look back and think of what we should have done differently. I don't think the refused are at fault, just taken advantage of. When my eldest was preparing to get married a year ago, and I was still in my shithole, I had a number of talks where I was cryptic, but did my best to give her what she needed to survive if she ended up in a bad situation. When news of my situation broke, the pieces fit together and she understood my side. Within the first year of her marriage, she saw some patterns forming, and had a number of talks with her new husband. Things got worse. She is not staying with that mess. She knows what a marriage looks like when there is only one committed member in it, and she is not going to repeat my mistake. Thanks to the words and ideas of the members on this board that helped me to get my message across, there is one less victim of a refuser, and she is very dear to me, and she will have a much happier life. I was writing something up on another topic. But, your post ties in well with an aspect of it. Specifically, it emphasizes the importance of good information in self-analysis and decision-making. Unless the facts are known, we can only hope for good luck. The worst situations of course arise when the information that we do have is rubbish.
Well done, Dad!
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Post by flashjohn on Aug 2, 2018 13:58:44 GMT -5
I am very glad that your daughter realized that staying in a bad marriage would not do anyone any good. Now, if I could just go back to 1988 and tell myself the same thing...
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Post by baza on Aug 2, 2018 20:56:04 GMT -5
Similar anecdote. One of my nephews got married at easter time 2017, after about a 2 year courtship. From the outside, it looked like a pretty good match. But it hit the wall after about 10 months. (as an aside, the sex wasn't the problem, indeed the sex seemed to be the best part of the deal but it seemed the sex was the only part of the deal that was good, the rest of it was pretty shit)
My nephew is a real good bloke. Not prone to making impulsive choices. I liked his missus too. Anyway, over a few brews one night he told me about the remedial stuff they had (both) tried in counselling etc etc but that they were going to split. And he was not looking forward to the blow-back from friends and family. My marriage (to his Aunty) got a bit of a run in this conversation, but mainly I was just listening, and at pains to not suggest anything to him at all - unless he asked for an opinion, which he did.
I said to him words to the effect - "You remember when your Aunty and I split ? I bet that at that time you were shocked and leapt to judgement that I had 'walked out on her' or 'she must have done something awful' or whatever. And I'd bet you talked about this and devoted possibly an hour to doing so. Then switched the tv on to watch 'Australias Funniest Home Video's'. And I'll bet you haven't been thinking about my marital issues ever since. There will be blowback from this. But it doesn't last long"
The choice to leave ? That was entirely his call. On what I knew of the situation it looked like the right call to me, but my opinion was not terribly relevant. I just told him I respected him, and his judgement, and that whichever way his choice went, that respect wouldn't be changing. And that the blow back issue was not a huge issue really.
They split. There was some blowback, as he feared. It didn't last long.
The parting ended up being mutual, and reflected well on both of them in the way they did it. And thank fuck there were no kids involved, and that they still (both) were quite young and have time to recover and move on.
It was a success story in my opinion.
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