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Post by ironhamster on Aug 1, 2018 18:20:22 GMT -5
Right. We are slowly immersed into a situation we don't want, but, there I go painting with a wide brush again. If I was told how little intimacy I was going to get if I married the woman I did, I would never have married her. I doubt any of us would marry our refusers if we could have complete knowledge of how it would turn out. Would our refusers marry us, if they knew what damage they were doing to us? My ex would have married me. She got kids and a payday. My needs and health were incidental to that. I fear, mine would have, too. Just like her mother, who was also a refuser, and spent her husband almost into the poor house.
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Post by choosinghappy on Aug 1, 2018 19:23:42 GMT -5
This thread is reminding me of all those posts about a year ago talking about how you have to get past the “victim mentality” before you can truly start to make any headway in resolving your SM.
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Post by ironhamster on Aug 1, 2018 20:18:46 GMT -5
This thread is reminding me of all those posts about a year ago talking about how you have to get past the “victim mentality” before you can truly start to make any headway in resolving your SM. I don't mean to sound like I am ruminating on a "woe is me" thought, but, I see the cards stacked against me, and I still see ending my charade as being well worth the expense. For what I am losing financially to be so trivial at this point compared to my happiness should be a wake-up call for anyone reading our posts thinking, "well, it's only a lack of sex. How bad can it be?" Are we victims? Yes. 100%, yes. The next question is, "was the damage done intentional." That may not have the same answer. Perhaps my wife deluded herself and believed every fluid excuse she put forth, and it changed a lot but if one was not there another was. Either she is sadistic or she is crazy. It does not matter which is the true answer. The result was the same. I am moving on, and, just two months out from a marriage I tried to hold together, I am happy.
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Post by baza on Aug 1, 2018 20:36:36 GMT -5
It's true that sometimes we are handed a big shit sandwich by the cosmos that we didn't deserve, and we are a victim of. Everyone gets those from time to time.
And sometimes, we create our own shit sandwiches by our own choices. And if you have not had your shit sandwich yet, it's coming, believe me. It's life.
But, having been dealt these cards, it becomes our responsibilty to play them as best we can. And to do that, we've got to take ownership of the cards we have in our hand. They may well not be the cards we'd like, but they are the cards we've got and it's up to us to play them as judiciously as we can. No-one else can play them for us.
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Post by shamwow on Aug 1, 2018 21:09:59 GMT -5
It's true that sometimes we are handed a big shit sandwich by the cosmos that we didn't deserve, and we are a victim of. Everyone gets those from time to time. And sometimes, we create our own shit sandwiches by our own choices. And if you have not had your shit sandwich yet, it's coming, believe me. It's life. But, having been dealt these cards, it becomes our responsibilty to play them as best we can. And to do that, we've got to take ownership of the cards we have in our hand. They may well not be the cards we'd like, but they are the cards we've got and it's up to us to play them as judiciously as we can. No-one else can play them for us. As I read this post, I told my echo dot to play Kansas "Dust in the Wind" Fits pretty good 😁
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Post by seekinganswers on Aug 3, 2018 5:59:53 GMT -5
If I may tiptoe in on this conversation… I in no way underestimate the pain that is caused by being refused by your husband or wife. There is an innocence inherent to the refused because it was the refuser that initially pulled away and caused that pain. I know for me, it was my failure when I turned away instead of facing it head on when I first started feeling the disconnect. That is on me, along with a heavy weight of knowing I’m responsible for the problem in our marriage in terms of it being my emotions that set this ball rolling. At this point though, I think a dynamic has been created by our mutual avoidance of the issue. That said, I do think it’s a bit unfair to assume that a refuser is supposed to have this all figured out before he or she even gets married, and have perfect clarity on the situation when new feelings and realizations emerge, and throughout the process. Being a refuser doesn’t mean that we don’t have the same ability to stick our heads in the sand. To want to avoid conflict, to blame life events, to lie to ourselves, to need time for introspection, to be completely confused about what we even want, to hope things will change, to want to keep the peace, to be in denial, to feel paralyzed by it, to be depressed. The FOG. All things that I’ve heard many of you say and that I’m sure you can relate to. These things pull us away from the marriage, but they are not necessarily manipulative and selfish as it is sometimes automatically assumed here. Of course, in some cases there certainly is manipulation. Like shamwow, jeez. That stuff is crazy. And there are so many different scenarios and types of refusers. But some of the fireballs sent my way have suggested I am manipulative and selfish merely based on the fact that I am a refuser. People like beachguy point to the idea that I’m “unwilling to do the one thing that can solve it”. It’s just not that simple for everyone. It’s really not. Maybe if you’re zoomed waaaay out and standing where you stand. But not when you’re tangled in it. Like when someone said, well you should have told him before you got married. Of course. Me ten years later with a butt-ton ( DryCreek, you made it a thing) of introspection is on it. And that would have been for both of us, not just him. Some of you have gone years or decades until you’ve come to understand and stand up for how you feel. We’re not necessarily so different. I’m struggling in a marriage that is incompatible, struggling to make sense of it all, and battling a lot of heavy emotions. What I know now is that it boils down to being completely and utterly transparent about how you feel, and allowing your partner to make his or her own decisions based on the truth. That goes for everyone.
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