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Post by baza on Jul 25, 2018 20:47:49 GMT -5
Over the last few months, as I see members stories in here who have left their ILIASM shithole, I've been putting them on an Excel spreadsheet. Last addition was Brother @creelunion after his story today. No doubt the list probably includes some 'spill-overs' from the old EP/ILIASM group who were already left when they joined here. And no doubt there's the odd one I've missed here and there too. Now I am NOT claiming this is the definitive 100% accurate be all and end all of this question - but I wonder if anyone would care to take a stab at the number of leavers accrued so far in this group since it started in about March 2016 ? If it is of any help to you in your estimation, the full membership today is 1,196. (Bear in mind that Brother @shynjdude reckons that there are only about 200 "active" members in that 1,196) If you want to have a go, just post your number - and make a comment if you want. I'll update this in a week or so, and give you the figure, but at this point I would be reluctant to list all the names, as there could be members who would not wish to appear on the list. Addendum. Is anyone up for trying to compile an independent list of those like timeforliving2 who have managed the 'turnaround' ? I had some solid figures back in 2015 based on the old EP group at the time. There were 8. And the membership there was 50,000+. And to the best of my knowledge, at least 2 of them have subsequently tanked. Addendum #2 I have subsequently added a poll to this post after a suggestion by catsloveme .
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Post by beachguy on Jul 25, 2018 22:30:58 GMT -5
I have no idea how many left but I do know that 100.0% of those that left successfully ended their SM. Verses well under 1% that didn't leave. Just a statistical observation. I used to be an accountant but I'm better now.
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catsloveme
Full Member
Dwelling in the possible
Posts: 207
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Post by catsloveme on Jul 25, 2018 23:23:29 GMT -5
baza, are you compiling this list out of curiosity and a desire to analyze the data? Do you have an ultimate purpose in mind for this exercise?
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Post by baza on Jul 26, 2018 0:07:08 GMT -5
baza , are you compiling this list out of curiosity and a desire to analyze the data? Do you have an ultimate purpose in mind for this exercise? It is perhaps more a matter of trying to present the known data in a different way Sister catsloveme . And to see just how much variance there may be from peoples "perception" to the facts. But so far (admittedly on only two responses - yours from a position of being a member for about a month, and Brother beachguy a member since Sep 2016) it doesn't seem so far like anyone is interested in putting up a number.
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catsloveme
Full Member
Dwelling in the possible
Posts: 207
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Post by catsloveme on Jul 26, 2018 0:24:26 GMT -5
baza , are you compiling this list out of curiosity and a desire to analyze the data? Do you have an ultimate purpose in mind for this exercise? It is perhaps more a matter of trying to present the known data in a different way Sister catsloveme . And to see just how much variance there may be from peoples "perception" to the facts. But so far (admittedly on only two responses - yours from a position of being a member for about a month, and Brother beachguy a member since Sep 2016) it doesn't seem so far like anyone is interested in putting up a number. My perception is that the vast majority of people here are still in their SM, but there are too many things that are unknown for me to make an educated guess. How about conducting a membership survey, with both quantitative and qualitative questions? That might yield more useful data and insights.
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Post by ironhamster on Jul 26, 2018 0:30:12 GMT -5
That is a difficult number to guess. My bet is some members fade away and we never know for sure. My wild stab is that the two year number of known separations is 95%, with 4% planning to leave and 1% still holding on.
Edit: Let me add, I bet those that have left are 100% not wanting back, without regard to the financial strain.
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Post by baza on Jul 26, 2018 0:38:58 GMT -5
It is perhaps more a matter of trying to present the known data in a different way Sister catsloveme . And to see just how much variance there may be from peoples "perception" to the facts. But so far (admittedly on only two responses - yours from a position of being a member for about a month, and Brother beachguy a member since Sep 2016) it doesn't seem so far like anyone is interested in putting up a number. My perception is that the vast majority of people here are still in their SM, but there are too many things that are unknown for me to make an educated guess. How about conducting a membership survey, with both quantitative and qualitative questions? That might yield more useful data and insights. There is a function where one can conduct polls or add them, to a post. Are you up for compiling such a poll Sister catsloveme ? Personally, I am a bit over them, and the response rate is usually pretty piss poor, often only garnering 10 responses out of a membership of app 1,200. But if you want to do one, I will commit here and now to responding to yours.
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Post by baza on Jul 26, 2018 1:23:51 GMT -5
I have attached a poll to the original post. Scroll up and have a guess / serious estimation if you want.
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Post by workingonit on Jul 26, 2018 5:47:02 GMT -5
I would guess that around 80% or so have escaped. I would guess more want to.
However the data sample is hard to quantify. People lurk. People leave. Some people just read but rarely post. I think it is hard to know.
And I must point out that this board is generally pro leaving. I think that impacts the results as well. Those that stick around are likely more inclined to leave.
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Post by worksforme2 on Jul 26, 2018 6:26:29 GMT -5
I haven't been adding much to the discussion here since February. So I will be the 1st to go on record with my guesstimate. Many if not most would like to do something to end the sexlessness, but since most are still in there marriages their unwilling or unable to pull the trigger that definitely might end it.
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Post by thefullmoon on Jul 26, 2018 6:39:21 GMT -5
I would say a very small minority ,the top line o f the list...
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Post by choosinghappy on Jul 26, 2018 6:39:46 GMT -5
I am of the complete opposite mindset. I think a much greater percentage stay in their SMs rather than leave, even if miserable. Don't underestimate the power of fear of the unknown.
I agree with @workingonit that many who choose to stay in their SMs (or perhaps, feel they have no choice but to stay) likely don't stick around here indefinitely due to the pro-leaving attitude of the board and also because: if you feel stuck in a shitty situation, being constantly reminded of your shitty situation doesn't necessarily help your mindframe. I think people stop participating here as a form of self-preservation.
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Post by shamwow on Jul 26, 2018 8:42:05 GMT -5
I suspect the number is higher than any of us would guess. I can think of many people who get out, announce it, and never look back.
Not many of us stay and keep posting after we are out. Let's face it, right after goi g through a grueling divorce, the vast majority of people just want to forget about it and move on.
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catsloveme
Full Member
Dwelling in the possible
Posts: 207
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Post by catsloveme on Jul 26, 2018 10:55:18 GMT -5
[quote author=" choosinghappy" I think people stop participating here as a form of self-preservation. . As someone staying (i was on ep for a couple of years so this is no short term position) I'd say yes I limit my participation here, not because if the pro leaving status but rather that i have nothing to contribute. What am I going to offer? That they should stay and work on their relationship? The only advice I feel could offer would be advice I can't follow myself and I'm a strong believer in only ever taking advice from those who can walk the walk, hence i have little to say. Additionally I am guarded about posting about any "improvements" in the relationship as I'm hyper aware of the reset and have done that dozens of times (I'm a slow learner, I know...). Perhaps stupidly I continue on and in the meantime this masochistic social set de-evolution of ep has became my default emotional support network (thankyou @dan) [/quote] For me, leaving is a last resort. So that puts me in the staying category as well. There are a lot of valid reasons to stay. If my husband was an abusive a-hole, I’d be in the “leaving” camp. We really need an official “staying” section. Not sure why the admins haven’t added that after numerous requests. Someone did start a thread in a different section, but that’s not the same. I’d be willing to bet that those who are opting to stay come here but don’t see a “staying” section and then leave, thinking they’re only going to get pressure to leave and not the support they need for their particular situation. Please do weigh in. Your experience and advice is just as valid as anyone else’s.
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Post by timeforliving2 on Jul 26, 2018 13:04:53 GMT -5
I am of the complete opposite mindset. I think a much greater percentage stay in their SMs rather than leave, even if miserable. Don't underestimate the power of fear of the unknown. I agree with @workingonit that many who choose to stay in their SMs (or perhaps, feel they have no choice but to stay) likely don't stick around here indefinitely due to the pro-leaving attitude of the board and also because: if you feel stuck in a shitty situation, being constantly reminded of your shitty situation doesn't necessarily help your mindframe. I think people stop participating here as a form of self-preservation. I think you are fairly on target with your assessment / theory of who sticks around these boards.
FWIW - I'll share my personal situation and how I was active / inactive on these boards. It took me about 3 years from when I first joined the former EP site to when I took specific actions to force a result.... either turn this SM around or leave (e.g. counseling vs. separation/divorce).
On New Year's Day 2011 (1/1/11) I was searching for SMs and found and joined the EP site. However, for 2+ years I was sporadic about logging in to the site and reading posts. I never posted any replies or any of my own stuff until approximately March 2013. From approximately June 2013 - October 2013 I was very active, sharing my story, reading and posting a lot, etc. This was because in late December 2012 I resolved that 2013 was the year that things *had* to change for me. I took off my wedding ring and that point and wrote a 1-page letter / note to my refuser W that things *had* to change in 2013 (e.g. in so many words I implied divorce because I was so broken and unhappy).
Anyway, the point is that the first 2 years I merely lurked and sporadically read things on the EP site. In that third year I really became active. I would imagine that everyone is different, in terms of how urgent they are / feel about *resolving* the SM issue. I lot of people probably are, like you say, depressed and don't want to be constantly reminded about their shitty situation. Therefore, probably like me, they come back sporadically just when they get more frustrated than average... but they're not on these boards every day or every week.
Just my 2 cents.
TL2
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