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Post by thebaffledking on Jul 26, 2018 22:14:00 GMT -5
I'm pro everyone doing what they need to do.....it's an enormously personal matter. I just came by to say that I have been out for almost two months now and the simple fact of never again having to wake up and feel that black cloud roll in immediately is the greatest gift I could have ever given myself. I am FREE and HAPPY and EXCITED and I can still hardly believe it is done! It took me FOREVER to speak (literally years), but I finally found the courage to just spit it out. I am SO relieved, I can't even begin to tell you. I saved my life.......my one and only life......and I couldn't be more proud of myself for doing so.
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Post by Deleted on Jul 27, 2018 8:28:56 GMT -5
I'm pro everyone doing what they need to do.....it's an enormously personal matter. I just came by to say that I have been out for almost two months now and the simple fact of never again having to wake up and feel that black cloud roll in immediately is the greatest gift I could have ever given myself. I am FREE and HAPPY and EXCITED and I can still hardly believe it is done! It took me FOREVER to speak (literally years), but I finally found the courage to just spit it out. I am SO relieved, I can't even begin to tell you. I saved my life.......my one and only life......and I couldn't be more proud of myself for doing so. I can’t wait to feel this, BK!! I’m already starting to. So excited and happy for you!!
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Post by northstarmom on Jul 27, 2018 10:07:36 GMT -5
I guessed 1-10. I think that the majority of people who get in longterm sexless marriages -- which is the case for virtually everyone who comes here -- have either guilt about having sex or have high tolerance for emotional pain. That's how they stayed married despite never having had sex with their partner (as has been the case with some), not having sex on their honeymoon, not having sex with their partner for years, etc. A person with a healthier attitude toward sex or less tolerance of emotional pain would have left long ago without having to google to find ILIASM to see if they were normal, etc. They'd know they were normal and deserved a sex life so they'd cut loose the spouse who treated them like a pervert.
I certainly know that my own guilt about sex and about being a woman with a high sex drive, and my growing up with parents who were in a SM allowed me to remain married for 34 years, at least a total of 13 years of which were completely sexless and many others included sex ten times or less a year. It wasn't until I did the hard work through therapy of becoming more emotionally healthy that I was able to let go of a marriage that many people would have avoided or left long ago.
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Post by shamwow on Jul 27, 2018 10:30:25 GMT -5
[quote author=" choosinghappy" I think people stop participating here as a form of self-preservation. . As someone staying (i was on ep for a couple of years so this is no short term position) I'd say yes I limit my participation here, not because if the pro leaving status but rather that i have nothing to contribute. What am I going to offer? That they should stay and work on their relationship? The only advice I feel could offer would be advice I can't follow myself and I'm a strong believer in only ever taking advice from those who can walk the walk, hence i have little to say. Additionally I am guarded about posting about any "improvements" in the relationship as I'm hyper aware of the reset and have done that dozens of times (I'm a slow learner, I know...). Perhaps stupidly I continue on and in the meantime this masochistic social set de-evolution of ep has became my default emotional support network (thankyou @dan) For me, leaving is a last resort. So that puts me in the staying category as well. There are a lot of valid reasons to stay. If my husband was an abusive a-hole, I’d be in the “leaving” camp. We really need an official “staying” section. Not sure why the admins haven’t added that after numerous requests. Someone did start a thread in a different section, but that’s not the same. I’d be willing to bet that those who are opting to stay come here but don’t see a “staying” section and then leave, thinking they’re only going to get pressure to leave and not the support they need for their particular situation. Please do weigh in. Your experience and advice is just as valid as anyone else’s.[/quote] As someone who has left, I agree that a staying section would be helpful. Alternatively a setting in your profile as to what your strategy is. Stay or leave.
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Post by baza on Jul 28, 2018 2:29:06 GMT -5
An often overlooked fact is that just about everyone - when they arrive here - is *staying*. That is the default position on arrival. shamwow was staying. choosinghappy was staying. filtermachine was staying. bballgirl , eternaloptimism , ironhamster , surfergirl , and dozens more - all staying. baza too . This group (and the old EP group) with the old heads in it at the time like vegas, anarchristian, princessmore, laotzu and others, tended to severely challenge the status quo choice of staying. Pointing out the alternatives and suggesting that leaving was a perfectly legitimate choice too, and as such, worth thinking on. Personally, I think that at some level, I knew I was on the way out back in early 2009 and most likely EP or no EP would have changed that. But the debate, the challenges to my thinking probably accelerated my particular process. I do NOT think for one moment that anyone who has left their ILIASM shithole did so on the basis of EP (or this group) telling them to. I think that rather EP (and this group) put up the alternatives and back it up with examples, and vast collective experience. Sometimes, it resonates with people (most times it does not) and these people may start to question their *staying* choice, they may even change their thinking, and they may even act on it. Anyway, to my point. Hearing views that are different to yours is a good thing. If what you hear gives you cause to challenge your thinking, that's even better. I don't think having groups full of stayers not being exposed to leavers is particularly healthy. Just as I don't think having groups full of leavers not being exposed to stayers is any more healthy. And I don't believe that most people are so precious, fragile or sensitive that they can't handle an opinion that is not in accordance with theirs. From that position, I would argue that splitting the camp into stayers and leavers is a poor idea.
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Post by ironhamster on Jul 28, 2018 3:16:49 GMT -5
baza, I am thankful for the challenge. I was indeed determined to make my marriage work for a long time. I can blame a lot of my past misery on my own stubbornness. For nearly twenty-four years I never considered it an option, and in the end found myself staying only for the sake of the kids. It turns out, my kids "get it." They understand the situation. I have asked them not to take sides, but they are not neutral. It will not be understood by the Christian homeschool community why they are spending holidays with me.
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Post by baza on Aug 1, 2018 23:30:06 GMT -5
Poll has been up a week. FWIW, the figure I came up with was 43. There may be a smattering of members like northstarmom in that figure where they had already left before this group was created (ie their history was back on the old EP group)
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Post by northstarmom on Aug 2, 2018 6:40:17 GMT -5
We have repeatedly seen here and on EP ( the original iliasm) people who abruptly disappear and come back months or years later to report they are still in their SMs that are still sexless and miserable. I think people who lurk or do drive by posts are unlikely to have left or improved their marriages. They read enough here to know they are stuck in sexlessness so they grit their teeth and endure or they deny the true state of their marriages. They flee here because it’s easier to do that than to flee their marriages.
Many arrive here after spending years and decades celibate. Obviously, they have a high tolerance for not having their sexual needs met. The best prediction of future behavior is past behavior. Thus, my money is on most’s staying in their miserably comfortable, familiar marriages.
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Post by shamwow on Aug 2, 2018 9:13:47 GMT -5
Poll has been up a week. FWIW, the figure I came up with was 43. There may be a smattering of members like northstarmom in that figure where they had already left before this group was created (ie their history was back on the old EP group) Damn! I guessed 41-50. What is my prize?
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Post by baza on Aug 2, 2018 21:57:52 GMT -5
You've claimed your prize already Brother shamwow . In fact I think you claimed your prize before the competition was even open. Does this below register at all ?? "Sphere of Turmoil"
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Post by shamwow on Aug 3, 2018 6:03:08 GMT -5
You've claimed your prize already Brother shamwow . In fact I think you claimed your prize before the competition was even open. Does this below register at all ?? "Sphere of Turmoil" Oh yes indeed! But was kind of hoping for a brand new car... Lol
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Post by thebaffledking on Aug 3, 2018 6:25:55 GMT -5
I am SO damn happy to be FREE!!!!!!! Stay if you can tolerate it, but if you are leaning towards a sort of desperate run for the border, go! Go fast!
Ticking away the moments that make up a dull day Fritter and waste the hours in an offhand way. Kicking around on a piece of ground in your home town Waiting for someone or something to show you the way.
Tired of lying in the sunshine staying home to watch the rain. You are young and life is long and there is time to kill today. And then one day you find ten years have got behind you. No one told you when to run, you missed the starting gun.
So you run and you run to catch up with the sun but it's sinking Racing around to come up behind you again. The sun is the same in a relative way but you're older, Shorter of breath and one day closer to death.
Every year is getting shorter never seem to find the time. Plans that either come to naught or half a page of scribbled lines Hanging on in quiet desperation is the English way The time is gone, the song is over, Thought I'd something more to say.
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Post by shamwow on Aug 3, 2018 6:51:44 GMT -5
I am SO damn happy to be FREE!!!!!!! Stay if you can tolerate it, but if you are leaning towards a sort of desperate run for the border, go! Go fast! Ticking away the moments that make up a dull day Fritter and waste the hours in an offhand way. Kicking around on a piece of ground in your home town Waiting for someone or something to show you the way. Tired of lying in the sunshine staying home to watch the rain. You are young and life is long and there is time to kill today. And then one day you find ten years have got behind you. No one told you when to run, you missed the starting gun. So you run and you run to catch up with the sun but it's sinking Racing around to come up behind you again. The sun is the same in a relative way but you're older, Shorter of breath and one day closer to death. Every year is getting shorter never seem to find the time. Plans that either come to naught or half a page of scribbled lines Hanging on in quiet desperation is the English way The time is gone, the song is over, Thought I'd something more to say. And for many of us, we let a lot more than ten years get behind us.
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