quick recap abt me - married 8 years, sexless 5 years, 2 kids 4 yo & 6 yo, wife is sahm. wife shouts and uses emotional blackmailing, and overspends. to be fair, i think wife did a good job taking care of the kids, but she doesn't care abt me anymore.
been thinking abt initiating divorce, but want to do it as amicably as possible bcoz of the kids, and bcoz i don't want to waste money on lawyers.
e.g. - i've been thinking of trying marriage counseling first before telling her that i want a divorce, so that she won't be 'surprised' by my continual unhappiness. however, today i read somewhere that this is a bad idea, that it'll only escalate resentment.
e.g. - i've been thinking of staying in the flat we rented until we divorced but propose that i stay in a separate bedroom. if i move back to my father's place, i fear the divorce judge will think i have a lesser need for accommodation, therefore awarding less to me. but then i also read today that this is a bad idea since frequent contact will brew resentment.
any other common emotional pit falls for divorce initiators?
See a lawyer in your jurisdiction to establish how a divorce and child custody is likely to shake out for you. Fully consider that advice...you are not obligated to proceed with it.
If you are going to proceed with it, then you need to tailor an exit strategy within those legal parameters. Where you're going to live etc etc etc etc etc. Get it knocked into do-able shape. Fully consider that strategy...you are not obligated to proceed with it.
Shore up your support network, those who can support you through the tough times that lie ahead. Consider a counsellor to be part of your support network.
Research everything you can find on helping kids transition through such an event. Maybe counselling for them given how nuts their mother is. And presumably you are going to try and get full custody of the kids.
In short, get yourself as fully prepared as you can.
Given what you have said about your hair-trigger temper missus, your chances of an amicable process is extremely poor. This new information about her overspending does not bode well for an amicable division of assets either.
The kids custody issue just about guarantees you that the process will have to be heard by a judge, the chances of negotiating this by yourselves is practically non-existent.
I think it would be wise to start mentally preparing for a shit fight.
But, one step at a time. Get your legal advice. Then consider the next bit.
Post by northstarmom on Jul 25, 2018 6:45:44 GMT -5
Your plan seems to be to get out with as little damage to yourself. That involves not moving heaven and earth to gain custody of your children so they are not left at the mercy of their mother who has been verbally abusive to you and a maid and physically abusive to you.
It is highly unlikely that your wife excludes your kids from her abusive behavior.
More than likely the chances are nil of having a low conflict divorce from a spouse like yours. You said she spew vitriol for 2 hours when her maid was a few minutes late in preparing lunch. That was trivial. No matter how you divorce her, your wife isn’t going to take it peacefully.
You need to use a lawyer experienced in helping men divorce and gain full child custody from people like your wife.
Individual therapy also could help you navigate. counseling or therapy for your kids could provide support for them..
Marital counseling might help with the documentation of your wife’s anger problems. It’s not likely to change her abusive behavior. Individual therapy is what’s most likely to change people who are abusive or have anger problems.
misssunnybunny: You're welcome! So glad to hear you had a great day
Jan 19, 2019 16:34:01 GMT -5
worksforme2: anyone hear anything lately from mrslowmaintenance or smartkat?
Jan 24, 2019 18:06:02 GMT -5
petrushka: Just saw the forecast for Mildura at 47C -- I hope you and Ms. Enna are going to be ok Baz. That's getting dangerous.
Jan 24, 2019 20:10:00 GMT -5
lifeinwoodinville: I last heard from mrslowmaintenance about a month ago. I have been in regular contact with her for the last year and a half. I feel comfortable in saying that her situation remains unchanged. If you want to know more PM me.
Jan 25, 2019 22:36:50 GMT -5
worksforme2: Hey baza,...I know it's hot and dry down under. N.C. is having record rainfall. I would gladly trade some rain for some sunshine....
Feb 22, 2019 20:28:35 GMT -5
tamara68: Today it's steak and blowjob day! I suppose the steak is for those who don't get a blowjob.
Mar 14, 2019 16:49:49 GMT -5
petrushka: tamara68 Laughing with tears in my eyes. And my steak is going to be semolina gruel, due to some tummy upset :-\
Mar 15, 2019 1:11:10 GMT -5
misssunnybunny: So sad to hear the news from New Zealand. Boston Strong supports Kiwi Strong!!
Mar 15, 2019 7:46:22 GMT -5
petrushka: I was gobsmacked when I heard. This is just not us. In all of 2017 we had 37 murders in the country ..... I think the echo chambers of "social media" have a lot to answer for.
Mar 15, 2019 18:45:45 GMT -5
baza: Feeling for our Brothers and Sisters across the ditch Brother petrushka .
Mar 15, 2019 19:27:50 GMT -5
misssunnybunny: petrushka, I thought I read the headline wrong (this stuff happens here, not in NZ). It is frightening the hate that is being spread; it makes my heart hurt.
Mar 15, 2019 20:46:54 GMT -5
saarinista: All of us, IMHO, should try to be civil and kind as much as possible in person and online. I actively Tweet (civilly) on political matters and am horrified by the rancor & trolling on both sides of the spectrum, which only inflames unstable people.
Mar 19, 2019 23:21:20 GMT -5
saarinista: is anyone else watching March Madness?
Mar 24, 2019 11:44:48 GMT -5
worksforme2: doesn't much look like it...
Mar 27, 2019 12:20:10 GMT -5
saarinista: Well, my team is going to the Final Four! I am beyond thrilled. Basketball is life.
Apr 1, 2019 0:47:14 GMT -5
misssunnybunny: Congrats! Yay! I don't know how many people see the shout box, I don't think it shows up not he mobile version of the site. Maybe post something in the Off Topic section and more folks may see it?
Apr 1, 2019 15:38:34 GMT -5
wewbwb: Or, maybe baseball season started . . .
Apr 2, 2019 5:27:34 GMT -5
flashjohn: saarinista, my alma mater, Texas Tech, is also in the final four.
Apr 3, 2019 14:59:01 GMT -5
saarinista: : flashjohn Ruh, roh. Then we have to be mortal enemies for the weekend because I went to MSU!
Apr 4, 2019 16:09:20 GMT -5