quick recap abt me - married 8 years, sexless 5 years, 2 kids 4 yo & 6 yo, wife is sahm. wife shouts and uses emotional blackmailing, and overspends. to be fair, i think wife did a good job taking care of the kids, but she doesn't care abt me anymore.
been thinking abt initiating divorce, but want to do it as amicably as possible bcoz of the kids, and bcoz i don't want to waste money on lawyers.
e.g. - i've been thinking of trying marriage counseling first before telling her that i want a divorce, so that she won't be 'surprised' by my continual unhappiness. however, today i read somewhere that this is a bad idea, that it'll only escalate resentment.
e.g. - i've been thinking of staying in the flat we rented until we divorced but propose that i stay in a separate bedroom. if i move back to my father's place, i fear the divorce judge will think i have a lesser need for accommodation, therefore awarding less to me. but then i also read today that this is a bad idea since frequent contact will brew resentment.
any other common emotional pit falls for divorce initiators?
See a lawyer in your jurisdiction to establish how a divorce and child custody is likely to shake out for you. Fully consider that advice...you are not obligated to proceed with it.
If you are going to proceed with it, then you need to tailor an exit strategy within those legal parameters. Where you're going to live etc etc etc etc etc. Get it knocked into do-able shape. Fully consider that strategy...you are not obligated to proceed with it.
Shore up your support network, those who can support you through the tough times that lie ahead. Consider a counsellor to be part of your support network.
Research everything you can find on helping kids transition through such an event. Maybe counselling for them given how nuts their mother is. And presumably you are going to try and get full custody of the kids.
In short, get yourself as fully prepared as you can.
Given what you have said about your hair-trigger temper missus, your chances of an amicable process is extremely poor. This new information about her overspending does not bode well for an amicable division of assets either.
The kids custody issue just about guarantees you that the process will have to be heard by a judge, the chances of negotiating this by yourselves is practically non-existent.
I think it would be wise to start mentally preparing for a shit fight.
But, one step at a time. Get your legal advice. Then consider the next bit.
Post by northstarmom on Jul 25, 2018 6:45:44 GMT -5
Your plan seems to be to get out with as little damage to yourself. That involves not moving heaven and earth to gain custody of your children so they are not left at the mercy of their mother who has been verbally abusive to you and a maid and physically abusive to you.
It is highly unlikely that your wife excludes your kids from her abusive behavior.
More than likely the chances are nil of having a low conflict divorce from a spouse like yours. You said she spew vitriol for 2 hours when her maid was a few minutes late in preparing lunch. That was trivial. No matter how you divorce her, your wife isn’t going to take it peacefully.
You need to use a lawyer experienced in helping men divorce and gain full child custody from people like your wife.
Individual therapy also could help you navigate. counseling or therapy for your kids could provide support for them..
Marital counseling might help with the documentation of your wife’s anger problems. It’s not likely to change her abusive behavior. Individual therapy is what’s most likely to change people who are abusive or have anger problems.
worksforme2: hey nancyb, how are things perkolating with the older gentleman you spoke of a while back?
Jul 28, 2018 18:25:32 GMT -5
nancyb: worksforme2: Relationship died when we had a difference in opinion regarding UFO's and extraterrestrial beings. LOL I weighed in on the nay side and he believed they walk amongst us.
Jul 30, 2018 5:51:07 GMT -5
bc: I can’t stop laughing...go ahead, micromanage and analyze that marriage and see what she will do for you.
Jul 30, 2018 8:17:58 GMT -5
Dan: I think I'd have to see how good a new girlfriend was in the sack before I crossed her off the list -- or kicked her out of bed -- for believing in UFOs. I guess that makes me... male!
Jul 30, 2018 21:25:05 GMT -5
solodriver: It's been so long for me, I might see UFOs my first time. lol
Jul 31, 2018 1:42:47 GMT -5
beachguy: nancyb: He's right. It's all in the X Files, if you care to look.
Jul 31, 2018 3:45:13 GMT -5
nancyb: Dan: It was a tough decision, he was a good lover but the craziness ended things. Been dating since but nothing serious. I paint a lot.
Jul 31, 2018 5:57:00 GMT -5
petrushka: Thing is, someone being a fruit-loop about something like UFOs usually is not confined to one area; even if it is not immediately obvious. People who are nutty about one thing can go off at a tangent any time, I found (...out the hard way).
Jul 31, 2018 7:39:29 GMT -5
greatcoastal: nancyb: Sounds like you Identified a Fucking Object for what it truly is!
Jul 31, 2018 8:25:25 GMT -5
worksforme2: nancyb,...I am going to paint my living room soon as I can decide on the color.
Jul 31, 2018 19:15:08 GMT -5
worksforme2: When it comes to UFO's we always hear about "little green men", why are there never any "little green women"?
Aug 1, 2018 6:21:15 GMT -5
solodriver: I think I recall an episode of "Lost In Space where Dr. Smith was being chased by a green woman
Aug 1, 2018 21:29:17 GMT -5