|
Post by ihadalove on Aug 15, 2018 6:43:20 GMT -5
She doesn't seem to really like and want to kiss you much... or she would.
People think my W and I are a perfect, cute together couple too. They're all very wrong. Their belief doesn't do anything.
|
|
|
Post by workingonit on Aug 15, 2018 7:21:36 GMT -5
People think my h and I are perfect as well. Doesn't mean much
|
|
|
Post by greatcoastal on Aug 15, 2018 7:44:52 GMT -5
“Then later she tells me who would ever want to have sex with you.” That is verbally abusive time4intimacy . Does she say that after fighting? That is never an ok thing to say. I wonder if you are in a similar position to where I was around a year ago when I thought “yeah we have some problems but really the lack of sex is the big issue.”? It wasn’t. It was more of an effect rather than a cause of our other, bigger issues. Two things specifically stood out to me about what you last wrote: 1. “She said if I try to kiss you I am scared you will then want to have sex.” What is with the fear? Why would she be “scared” her H would want to make love to her unless there was sexual abuse in her past? Do you know if there was? That is not a typical reaction of someone with a healthy view of sex. 2. “Our friends consider us the coolest couple around.” So what? Does that make you happy? Based on the fact that you’re in an SM and the way she talks to you about it, does having other people think you’re cool and/or that things are fine when they’re not really matter to you? 3. "she said if I try to kiss you I am scared you will want to have sex". Fear of rejection, fear of not being in control, fears from being asexual, fear from a past relationship, fear from parents who raised her with a SM? it can be several things. Non of which is your fault. Where things get more difficult is when the refuser refuses to admit that they need help and that anything can be their fault. What can also hurt you immensely is a failing of your own resolve. politely asking your partner if they would please stop throwing you under the bus, is quite frankly, a poor way to stay out from under the bus. So is pleading with them to do the right thing. Boundaries apply to everyone
|
|
|
Post by time4intimacy on Aug 15, 2018 8:17:40 GMT -5
“Then later she tells me who would ever want to have sex with you.” That is verbally abusive time4intimacy . Does she say that after fighting? That is never an ok thing to say. I wonder if you are in a similar position to where I was around a year ago when I thought “yeah we have some problems but really the lack of sex is the big issue.”? It wasn’t. It was more of an effect rather than a cause of our other, bigger issues. Two things specifically stood out to me about what you last wrote: 1. “She said if I try to kiss you I am scared you will then want to have sex.” What is with the fear? Why would she be “scared” her H would want to make love to her unless there was sexual abuse in her past? Do you know if there was? That is not a typical reaction of someone with a healthy view of sex. 2. “Our friends consider us the coolest couple around.” So what? Does that make you happy? Based on the fact that you’re in an SM and the way she talks to you about it, does having other people think you’re cool and/or that things are fine when they’re not really matter to you? Thanks for the responses 1. She did have some sexual abuse in the past. It dealt with her ex-husband allowing his friend to go into their bedroom while she was asleep she woke up to him with his hands down her pants. She obviously felt very violated. She has also mentioned to me, that I don't have any issues having sex with you when it is my idea or when I initiate as I don't feel used in those situations. I just don't know what to do in this situation. One time she is saying she is looking for intimacy, next minute she is telling me why would anyone want to have sex with you. 2. I don't care that much what other people think, I guess I was just trying to say we somehow look normal to our circle of friends. Now thinking about it, maybe we are close enough friends with them if they don't know our struggles.
|
|
|
Post by choosinghappy on Aug 15, 2018 8:21:18 GMT -5
“Then later she tells me who would ever want to have sex with you.” That is verbally abusive time4intimacy . Does she say that after fighting? That is never an ok thing to say. I wonder if you are in a similar position to where I was around a year ago when I thought “yeah we have some problems but really the lack of sex is the big issue.”? It wasn’t. It was more of an effect rather than a cause of our other, bigger issues. Two things specifically stood out to me about what you last wrote: 1. “She said if I try to kiss you I am scared you will then want to have sex.” What is with the fear? Why would she be “scared” her H would want to make love to her unless there was sexual abuse in her past? Do you know if there was? That is not a typical reaction of someone with a healthy view of sex. 2. “Our friends consider us the coolest couple around.” So what? Does that make you happy? Based on the fact that you’re in an SM and the way she talks to you about it, does having other people think you’re cool and/or that things are fine when they’re not really matter to you? Thanks for the responses 1. She did have some sexual abuse in the past. It dealt with her ex-husband allowing his friend to go into their bedroom while she was asleep she woke up to him with his hands down her pants. She obviously felt very violated. She has also mentioned to me, that I don't have any issues having sex with you when it is my idea or when I initiate as I don't feel used in those situations. I just don't know what to do in this situation. One time she is saying she is looking for intimacy, next minute she is telling me why would anyone want to have sex with you. 2. I don't care that much what other people think, I guess I was just trying to say we somehow look normal to our circle of friends. Now thinking about it, maybe we are close enough friends with them if they don't know our struggles. Is she willing to get therapy to deal with that prior violation? Does she know that her failure to deal with it is leading to her marriage with you potentially ending? Maybe she doesn’t think you are as negatively affected by it as you are so she doesn’t think she needs to do anything about it.
|
|
|
Post by time4intimacy on Aug 15, 2018 8:32:45 GMT -5
On the therapy subject.
She is unwilling to do therapy.
I pushed it last week and she said you have asked this several times and here are your options.
1. Deal with the fact I will never go to counseling
2. If you can't deal with it, then you need to divorce me
She said she went to counseling with her ex and that is what pushed the relationship to the end.
|
|
|
Post by baza on Aug 15, 2018 8:38:03 GMT -5
Could be - "she went to counseling with her ex and that is what pushed the relationship to the end" Could also be - "counselling exposed the marriage to be complete fuck up that wasn't recoverable"
|
|
Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
|
Post by Deleted on Aug 15, 2018 8:40:40 GMT -5
On the therapy subject. She is unwilling to do therapy. I pushed it last week and she said you have asked this several times and here are your options. 1. Deal with the fact I will never go to counseling 2. If you can't deal with it, then you need to divorce me She said she went to counseling with her ex and that is what pushed the relationship to the end. She's pretty much laying out your options, isn't she? If you want to save this pretty dysfunctional relationship, I can only think of two options left for you: 1) Ask her if she would be willing to read some marriage self help books with you and take the exercises seriously. 2) If she really does want kissing without anything else, schedule a kissing session where you promise you won't touch her in any remotely sexual way. Offer to have your hands tied behind your back if she wants. The catch is that the session must last at least ten minutes. I think that your future will be much clearer after you try - or attempt to try - that.
|
|
|
Post by choosinghappy on Aug 15, 2018 8:47:42 GMT -5
On the therapy subject. She is unwilling to do therapy. I pushed it last week and she said you have asked this several times and here are your options. 1. Deal with the fact I will never go to counseling 2. If you can't deal with it, then you need to divorce me She said she went to counseling with her ex and that is what pushed the relationship to the end. time4intimacy I am sorry to say that she is telling you that your marriage is not important enough to her to work on anything. She’s gambling that you’ll just continue to deal with it, albeit unhappily, like you have previously done and that you won’t divorce her. Is she correct?
|
|
|
Post by shamwow on Aug 15, 2018 9:07:02 GMT -5
On the therapy subject. She is unwilling to do therapy. I pushed it last week and she said you have asked this several times and here are your options. 1. Deal with the fact I will never go to counseling 2. If you can't deal with it, then you need to divorce me She said she went to counseling with her ex and that is what pushed the relationship to the end. I hate to ask you this question, but how positive are you that the event happened or happened as she described. My ex alleged past sexual abuse much worse than what your wife has. She claimed she had been sexually assaulted almost nightly for three years by a drunk step father. I felt such sympathy for her and there is such a taboo against questioning the victim in our society that I didn't question until years later. In the end, I started examining her story and realized that the pieces just didn't fit together. I can't prove it didn't happen and she can't prove it did. But I do get to choose as to whether I believe her. I don't. And she refused to go to counseling. In the end, the story was helpful to her because she didn't want to fuck me. Counseling would be a big hassle having her to go and work through an "issue" she had made up. Now, who knows whether or not your wife's story is accurate, a lie, or something in between. It doesn't really matter. It is a problem that is killing your marriage that she doesn't care enough to get help about it. The status quo is totally fine for her. It's up to you to determine if it's totally fine, tolerable, or intolerable for you.
|
|
|
Post by greatcoastal on Aug 15, 2018 9:30:07 GMT -5
On the therapy subject. She is unwilling to do therapy. I pushed it last week and she said you have asked this several times and here are your options. 1. Deal with the fact I will never go to counseling 2. If you can't deal with it, then you need to divorce me She said she went to counseling with her ex and that is what pushed the relationship to the end. I hate to ask you this question, but how positive are you that the event happened or happened as she described. My ex alleged past sexual abuse much worse than what your wife has. She claimed she had been sexually assaulted almost nightly for three years by a drunk step father. I felt such sympathy for her and there is such a taboo against questioning the victim in our society that I didn't question until years later. In the end, I started examining her story and realized that the pieces just didn't fit together. I can't prove it didn't happen and she can't prove it did. But I do get to choose as to whether I believe her. I don't. And she refused to go to counseling. In the end, the story was helpful to her because she didn't want to fuck me. Counseling would be a big hassle having her to go and work through an "issue" she had made up. Now, who knows whether or not your wife's story is accurate, a lie, or something in between. It doesn't really matter. It is a problem that is killing your marriage that she doesn't care enough to get help about it. The status quo is totally fine for her. It's up to you to determine if it's totally fine, tolerable, or intolerable for you. This is good! ^^ A manipulator/controller lies about anything,or everything, whatever is convenient for them. You need to accept that a manipulator can and will lie about everything. if there lies are accepted in court, they will escalate the scope of what they lie about. The manipulator will always take advantage of the fact that others do not challenge there lies. One of the hallmarks of a manipulative controller is using the decency of others to do what they want. You cannot stop their lying. You cannot stop the lying. Instead accept that they will lie and protect yourself and your family. These are not my words, they are straight from the book "Say Goodby to Crazy" Ch.8 Pointing a Crooked Finger: How Crazy Uses the Power of Lies to Abuse and Control Victims.
|
|
|
Post by greatcoastal on Aug 15, 2018 9:48:01 GMT -5
On the therapy subject. She is unwilling to do therapy. I pushed it last week and she said you have asked this several times and here are your options. 1. Deal with the fact I will never go to counseling 2. If you can't deal with it, then you need to divorce me She said she went to counseling with her ex and that is what pushed the relationship to the end. time4intimacy I am sorry to say that she is telling you that your marriage is not important enough to her to work on anything. She’s gambling that you’ll just continue to deal with it, albeit unhappily, like you have previously done and that you won’t divorce her. Is she correct? She doesn't want help. She wants to continue to be 'ENABLED' - BIG difference. She's fine with the way she is, even if she's a controller, because she is miserable. Use that knowledge to better fortify your boundaries.
|
|
|
Post by greatcoastal on Aug 15, 2018 10:21:28 GMT -5
You have a theory. That your missus secretly misses sex with you and might fire up were you to ask. There's a pretty simple method of testing the theory. Ask her for a fuck. Your missus is banking on you feeling - "rejected and feel awkward about it" - to do so, which is exactly what she wants. So you test your theory, or you don't. I learn all I need to know from my dog! (just kidding- but there is some truth in that!) A little background on the dog first. he was adopted at one years old, had 4 other owners, so who knows what happened to him. It turns out he does not like men. The dog likes all the men/boys in our family, but it's different when another man comes over. We warn everyone at the door. "The dog will bark at you,if you ignore it and be aggressive by petting him anyways he calms right down and is your friend. if your a man he will most likely nip you from behind, so we put him away". So what do the women and girls do with this information? They enter our house, show no fear are aggressive, assertive and take control. They lean right down to the dog and say H E L L O !! and pick him up with one arm (all 15lbs of him) The dog is putty in their hands! he then jumps all over them and remains happy to see them in the future. The woman he likes the best are more of the take control professions The piano teacher and the realtor. What do the men do? They enter our house ,look down at the dog, stand their ground but do nothing. The have that look " get that dog away from me, if it comes near me I'll protect myself". The dog wins! The dog is in control! He then does a quiet, sneak attack, ( big chicken!) very manipulative and clever. The action - boundaries -wins over the look - words with no action.
|
|
|
Post by heartbrokengirl on Aug 15, 2018 22:43:48 GMT -5
People think my h and I are perfect as well. Doesn't mean much Same here. The world seems to think my H is a stand up guy. He works hard, is dependable for everyone else, shows up for family and friends when they need anything, takes care of our house, yard, chores. Has no interest in showing up for us, however. When it all goes down, I think a lot of people will be surprised. I don’t really give a shit what people think though.
|
|
|
Post by baza on Aug 16, 2018 0:15:18 GMT -5
People think my h and I are perfect as well. Doesn't mean much Same here. The world seems to think my H is a stand up guy. He works hard, is dependable for everyone else, shows up for family and friends when they need anything, takes care of our house, yard, chores. Has no interest in showing up for us, however. When it all goes down, I think a lot of people will be surprised. I don’t really give a shit what people think though. Puts me in mind of this woman I knew, married to an old schoolmate of mine. This chick was an absolute champion. She cared so much about kids. She ran the school canteen, she organised free breakfasts for disadvantaged kids, volunteered here and there and everywhere when it involved caring for kids. Fundraisers for kids ? Yep, she was there front and centre, selling tickets, organising the prizes. Hospital visits ? Sure. Baby sitting ? No prob. It seemed she was on the job 24/7. Totally selfless. And she was universally admired for her sterling work. And all the while, her marriage was collapsing, her relationship with her own spouse, her own 4 kids (including 2 adoptees) was tanking. It didn't end well. There was something of a lack of balance in the deal. But she is still remembered for her fantastic work with kids to this day. And I'm not trying to de-value that wonderful work in any way. It did seem however, that maybe it was the kudo's of the wider community for her work that floated her boat, that provided her raison d'être, that gave her life purpose. And everything else took 2nd (or worse) place.
|
|