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Post by richfairy72 on Aug 16, 2018 4:12:36 GMT -5
Hi, I'm late joining this thread, but it has brought up so many interesting topics. My thoughts, in no particular order: 1. Money does not make you happy. I have come out of my dysfunctional marriage taking the financial burden from my abusive ex, who still uses finances to punish me (not a penny of child maintenance, I bought him out of the house, he has no job on purpose, he is trying to get his hands on my pension, the list goes on....), BUT my health and happiness are worth so much more than money. 2.decent prospective partners won't care about money. It sounds a little like how I felt.....the FEAR of the future was holding me back from leaving. Working on myself and my self esteem helped me to realise I can hold out for someone who truly cherishes me. I deserve no less,c and that does not include money.... 3. You can't force them to be physically into you.....I tried EVERYTHING. Being sexy (led to humiliation), refusing (he liked that), talking about it, not talking about it.....ultimately, he preferred his fleshlight, or porn....that took a lot to overcome in my own self esteem. 4. Unkind rejection....'why would I want to have sex with you?' Loving partners don't talk like that...that is downright hurtful. 5. Refusing counselling......mine tried, but manipulated the whole thing to make me sound like a crazy, sex-obssesed madwoman. I put up with things for a year after that (he did reset every 6 weeks just to keep things ticking over). When I suggested counselling again, he point blank refused. I went alone.....my counsellor talked me through this....If ONE party is not willing to try to solve such a major issue as a lack of intimacy, then THEY ARE BREAKING THE MARRIAGE CONTRACT.....it takes two WILLING partners to make it work, and if one isn't willing to try, then the marriage is as good as over, end of. 6. The religious stance.....yes God hates divorce. But he hates abuse even more. He also wants people to have fulfilling happy relationships....and marriages that include sex are part of that....I may do another post on this.
Sorry, all a bit disjointed, but just my thoughts. I feel everyone's torment, I stuck it out for way too many years, hoping for an improvement, my fear holding me back. It made me ill. Don't feel guilty for wanting a whole, intimate marriage, its what you deserve. And, personally, being alone is so much better than living with the daily rejection, not just of sex, but of intimacy and open communication. Living free of that is amazing, and worth more than any money could give me.
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Post by heartbrokengirl on Aug 16, 2018 11:48:23 GMT -5
Same here. The world seems to think my H is a stand up guy. He works hard, is dependable for everyone else, shows up for family and friends when they need anything, takes care of our house, yard, chores. Has no interest in showing up for us, however. When it all goes down, I think a lot of people will be surprised. I don’t really give a shit what people think though. Puts me in mind of this woman I knew, married to an old schoolmate of mine. This chick was an absolute champion. She cared so much about kids. She ran the school canteen, she organised free breakfasts for disadvantaged kids, volunteered here and there and everywhere when it involved caring for kids. Fundraisers for kids ? Yep, she was there front and centre, selling tickets, organising the prizes. Hospital visits ? Sure. Baby sitting ? No prob. It seemed she was on the job 24/7. Totally selfless. And she was universally admired for her sterling work. And all the while, her marriage was collapsing, her relationship with her own spouse, her own 4 kids (including 2 adoptees) was tanking. It didn't end well. There was something of a lack of balance in the deal. But she is still remembered for her fantastic work with kids to this day. And I'm not trying to de-value that wonderful work in any way. It did seem however, that maybe it was the kudo's of the wider community for her work that floated her boat, that provided her raison d'être, that gave her life purpose. And everything else took 2nd (or worse) place. Oh that's so interesting. My H even said when we were discussing how his habits of clearing out his search histories, logging out of apps, not allowing me to look at his screen, etc., that even if he wasn't doing anything inappropriate, his behavior appeared shady in the context of everything (finding out he chooses porn and masturbation over as sex life with me). His response was "I don't want to appear shady when I'm not. I'm not a shady person. That bothers me." And I said, "doesn't it bother you that your behavior is affecting the quality of your marriage and your wife's trust in you?" He's only concerned with the image.
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Post by greatcoastal on Aug 16, 2018 11:56:10 GMT -5
He's only concerned with the image. I'm no psychologist but he sounds psychopathic. Maybe you should study it, and learn how to deal with it? if I'm correct? There is little dealing with it and zero changing it. To your own self be true!
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Post by heartbrokengirl on Aug 16, 2018 12:37:17 GMT -5
He's only concerned with the image. I'm no psychologist but he sounds psychopathic. Maybe you should study it, and learn how to deal with it? if I'm correct? There is little dealing with it and zero changing it. To your own self be true! He very well may be, greatcoastal. I had not thought of that, but I'll read up on it. He's a fearful-avoidant attachment type, I do know that. He did answer my question by saying, "Of course. You know that's not what I meant." But it was the first thing he said. Taking note of that.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 16, 2018 18:01:16 GMT -5
Original question: "How often do you try to initiate sex?"
A: Never.
For a long time, even if one or the other of us had been away for a month or more, there was no physical contact upon being reunited. I had expressed displeasure at this. I now get (if there is such a thing) a starfish peck-on-the-cheek. It's creepy and uncomfortable, and I regret raising the issue.
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Post by jamesbonding on Aug 17, 2018 2:54:58 GMT -5
On the therapy subject. She is unwilling to do therapy. I pushed it last week and she said you have asked this several times and here are your options. 1. Deal with the fact I will never go to counseling 2. If you can't deal with it, then you need to divorce me She said she went to counseling with her ex and that is what pushed the relationship to the end. She's pretty much laying out your options, isn't she? If you want to save this pretty dysfunctional relationship, I can only think of two options left for you: 1) Ask her if she would be willing to read some marriage self help books with you and take the exercises seriously. 2) If she really does want kissing without anything else, schedule a kissing session where you promise you won't touch her in any remotely sexual way. Offer to have your hands tied behind your back if she wants. The catch is that the session must last at least ten minutes. I think that your future will be much clearer after you try - or attempt to try - that. I like @shynjdude 's don't-give-up problem solving attitude. Can't hurt to try what he suggests. But mostly I want to say: "2. If you can't deal with it, then you need to divorce me" Man, she just handed you an engraved invitation! When you decide you are willing to divorce, get her to repeat the invitation, then just say "OK" and file for divorce ASAP. Be prepared for any likely response, including an immediate complete 180 degree reversal. She may suddenly be willing to consider counselling, have lots of sex with you, etc. I would recommend proceeding with the divorce. Otherwise, there would be no constant pressure for her to meet your requirements, and the sex might decline as soon as the "danger" of divorce has passed. I haven't been through a divorce so I don't know, but I would think the plaintiff in the divorce can stop the proceedings at any time up until the divorce is finalized. Am I right?
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Post by time4intimacy on Aug 19, 2018 13:55:54 GMT -5
On the therapy subject. She is unwilling to do therapy. I pushed it last week and she said you have asked this several times and here are your options. 1. Deal with the fact I will never go to counseling 2. If you can't deal with it, then you need to divorce me She said she went to counseling with her ex and that is what pushed the relationship to the end. time4intimacy I am sorry to say that she is telling you that your marriage is not important enough to her to work on anything. She’s gambling that you’ll just continue to deal with it, albeit unhappily, like you have previously done and that you won’t divorce her. Is she correct? You are correct. I probably will not divorce her, but also not treat her as well as I would if we had a good sex life. She is letting me know how unimportant it is to her.
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Post by studly on Aug 27, 2018 15:49:07 GMT -5
I just gave up trying to. It's easier that way.
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Post by time4intimacy on Aug 28, 2018 16:14:39 GMT -5
I just gave up trying to. It's easier that way. No doubt easier, but I still have a sex drive that says go!
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Post by ironhamster on Aug 28, 2018 19:03:28 GMT -5
I just gave up trying to. It's easier that way. No doubt easier, but I still have a sex drive that says go! Then give up trying with her, and try with someone else. For whatever reason, if sex for one spouse is not enjoyable, they should neither be compelled to take part nor have any moral standing when someone else gladly does their job.
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Post by time4intimacy on Aug 29, 2018 2:44:30 GMT -5
Although, I don't disagree with you on what you are saying, I still try to hold out hope of turning this one around, but on the other hand I know I can't go on for years with no sex like many of you have done. Who knows, maybe she would be happier with someone else doing "her job".
I do want to make sure I have my own head straight. I started counseling this week as I am feeling so screwed up from this situation. I don't want to do something I will regret later. However, looking at the poll if you regret outsourcing, that does not seem to be an issue for anyone.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 29, 2018 6:55:43 GMT -5
time4intimacy, as baza notes, outsourcing is a game changer. When the game you are in is terribly stacked against you, then changing the game will almost always benefit you one way or another. But you have little control over the nature of the change, as I am finding out myself. I am in a much better place but a place that was completely unpredictable.
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Post by time4intimacy on Aug 29, 2018 19:39:47 GMT -5
time4intimacy , as baza notes, outsourcing is a game changer. When the game you are in is terribly stacked against you, then changing the game will almost always benefit you one way or another. But you have little control over the nature of the change, as I am finding out myself. I am in a much better place but a place that was completely unpredictable. Thanks for the insight shynjdude! I may find out at some point, not sure.
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Post by solodriver on Jul 20, 2019 21:15:50 GMT -5
I don't get to. And it looks like it might be a long time, if ever, before I get to again. It's been almost 20 years since the last time I had sex and I would be very nervous and self conscious trying to initiate it again. I think I've lost my self-esteem in that area and it's a real possibility I may never get to be intimate with anyone again. Very sad.
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Post by saarinista on Jul 21, 2019 3:28:00 GMT -5
I don't get to. And it looks like it might be a long time, if ever, before I get to again. It's been almost 20 years since the last time I had sex and I would be very nervous and self conscious trying to initiate it again. I think I've lost my self-esteem in that area and it's a real possibility I may never get to be intimate with anyone again. Very sad. It's definitely hopeless unless you move out. I say screw the finances, go sleep on a friend's couch and love being poor. It's very possible to do so.
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