|
Post by greatcoastal on Jul 12, 2018 8:26:09 GMT -5
Anger is good, anger is natural.How long you dwell on it ,and if all it does is make you continuously miserable ,than the only winner is the one who made you angry in the first place. They where never affected by YOUR feelings anyways.
It's like that person who cut you off on the freeway and you rightfully said things about their mother and their sex life! ( they are long gone and won't hear any of it ,so let it go) That is easier to get over, compared to dealing with the fact that you have realized years of your life where conned away from you and you still have to tolerate it daily.
This is sounding like a lesson in boundaries. You are now setting boundaries and having to walk the fine line of now sticking to them and applying consequences without seeking revenge.
I found the book "Boundaries in Marriage" to be helpful in two ways. It showed me all that I allowed to let happen, and what I need to do for the future for myself (marriage or no marriage).
|
|
|
Post by shamwow on Jul 12, 2018 9:18:55 GMT -5
My observation is that you do not suffer from anger issues. Anger is a physiological response that results in the release of chemicals to the brain. It is programmed into us by evolution and can be beneficial. It's the fight part of "fight or flight". When you become angry you truly have no control of the feeling. For about 90 seconds. After that, the neurotransmitters dissipate and your brain gets a vote. You can keep being angry or let those feelings subside. It's up to you, but anger gets its say first. Of course, if you allow yourself to get angry and stay angry, those emotions will fossilize into resentments. Resentments stay with you even when the source of the anger isn't there. Have you ever been driving and thought about your wife? The cold bitch won't fuck you. How she uses you. How she trapped you. Blah blah blah.... Those are resentments. Stay on that hamster wheel long enough and all sorts of interesting things happen. In my case, I became an alcoholic. I had to go to the emergency room at least one or two times per year because my intestines literally twisted into knots. I would just blow my top at odd moments over things that were really trivial. I even began to wonder what it would be like to wrap my motorcycle around a tree. Therapy can probably help you with some techniques to stop that anger after the 90 second soup of chemicals dissipates. It can also help you identify your resentments and work through those. I never went to formal therapy myself. I worked (and continue to work) through my resentments through my AA program. I also got away from the leading source of anger in my life... My ex wife. Now I'm with someone who has taught me what a healthy relationship truly is. (I love my little ballofconfusion). But therapy isn't a cure all. It's like getting fire fighting tips from a professional while your wife continues to walk around with a flamethrower. However, it's better than nothing, and probably worth trying. You're ahead of the game by trying to get your own shit together. For that, I applaud you.
|
|
|
Post by WindSister on Jul 12, 2018 12:57:24 GMT -5
But therapy isn't a cure all. It's like getting fire fighting tips from a professional while your wife continues to walk around with a flamethrower. However, it's better than nothing, and probably worth trying. You're ahead of the game by trying to get your own shit together. For that, I applaud you. Amen to that! I refer to one of my aunts... She's 80 and has been miserable her entire life. She goes to Over Eaters Anonymous once a week for the past 30 years....but, is still a good 300-400 pounds. She wears nicotine patches, chews the gum... still smokes a pack a day. She watches strictly "religious tv" but has no peace in her soul. She has a therapist she's seen weekly for I don't know how long.... She's still very noticeably unhappy. I'm not sold on therapy unless it includes positive action steps. Rehashing old shit isn't something we need to do a whole lifetime. What's NEXT?? Who do I WANT to be? HOW do I start being that person now? That's all the therapy I need.
|
|
|
Post by northstarmom on Jul 12, 2018 13:12:33 GMT -5
Therapy certainly isn't a cure all. But if the source of your anger is living with a woman whom you're incompatible with, therapy can help you gain the confidence to leave a marriage that never will meet your needs. If in your heart you feel you are better off with her than without her therapy could help you accept without rage the marriage you've chosen to stay in.
|
|
|
Post by greatcoastal on Jul 12, 2018 13:42:01 GMT -5
1) She insisted on marriage counseling, but I made it crystal clear to the counselor that our marriage is dead during the few sessions we had and eventually she gave that up. 2) I try to hold it together when we have family activities for the sake of the kids, but occasionally she provokes me and makes the vicious side come out. She managed to provoke me on Independence Day by (unfairly) comparing me to her cousin's husband. My response comparing her physically and professionally to that same cousin was fairly brutal and made her cry, ruining the day we had planned and really upsetting the children. 3) I hate this. I hate being angry all the time. I miss the chill, happy-go-lucky man I used to be. I hate that I enjoy making her feel bad. I regret that my children had to see this side of me that I've managed to keep from them until now. These are all speculations from my own experiences. Please feel free to correct all of them. They are meant to make you feel that you are not alone ,and that your behavior is warranted. I won't be surprised if our situations are/where similar. 1) She was looking for an "agreement" councilor to further manipulate you, that did not go her way so she gave up. (mine too) 2) "holding it together" is being a dog on a leash and she holds that leash. You have been living on a one way street paved with double standards. She can compare you to her cousin's husband when she want's too,as much as she want's too, in front of whomever she want's too, and you are supposed to be "the rock" and let it roll off your back and just take it? You gave her a taste of her own medicine and she immediately pulls out the 'sympathy card' "You hurt my feeewings!!" " daddy is a mean man!" 3) Fortunately you are seeing that you are not an angry person. Where therapy could help you is realizing that your children may have been indoctrinated with the same thoughts about you. Hopefully, with time that can be turned around. I'm betting that when your Wife is not around everyone feels like they can be their true selves and there are plenty of happy times? The happy- go -lucky man you used to be,and will be able to be again, once you detach yourself from her more and more.
|
|
johannesfactotum
Junior Member
Behold the field in which I grow my fucks! Lay thine eyes upon it and ye shall see that it is barren
Posts: 42
Age Range: 41-45
|
Post by johannesfactotum on Jul 12, 2018 19:27:16 GMT -5
Therapy certainly isn't a cure all. But if the source of your anger is living with a woman whom you're incompatible with, therapy can help you gain the confidence to leave a marriage that never will meet your needs. If in your heart you feel you are better off with her than without her therapy could help you accept without rage the marriage you've chosen to stay in. I made the appointment for a couple of weeks from now. What I'm really hoping for is understanding why she is able to bring out this side of me that I am almost always otherwise able to control. I am known at work and with friends for being cool, calm, and collected no matter what the situation. In virtually every other endeavor I've been a part of, I've been the rock that others depend on when times get tough and I handle interpersonal relationships without any drama. I have an exit plan and I'm going to start the divorce process before the end of summer so that I can be done with this failed marriage by Fall of 2019.
|
|
johannesfactotum
Junior Member
Behold the field in which I grow my fucks! Lay thine eyes upon it and ye shall see that it is barren
Posts: 42
Age Range: 41-45
|
Post by johannesfactotum on Jul 12, 2018 19:49:38 GMT -5
1) She insisted on marriage counseling, but I made it crystal clear to the counselor that our marriage is dead during the few sessions we had and eventually she gave that up. 2) I try to hold it together when we have family activities for the sake of the kids, but occasionally she provokes me and makes the vicious side come out. She managed to provoke me on Independence Day by (unfairly) comparing me to her cousin's husband. My response comparing her physically and professionally to that same cousin was fairly brutal and made her cry, ruining the day we had planned and really upsetting the children. 3) I hate this. I hate being angry all the time. I miss the chill, happy-go-lucky man I used to be. I hate that I enjoy making her feel bad. I regret that my children had to see this side of me that I've managed to keep from them until now. These are all speculations from my own experiences. Please feel free to correct all of them. They are meant to make you feel that you are not alone ,and that your behavior is warranted. I won't be surprised if our situations are/where similar. 1) She was looking for an "agreement" councilor to further manipulate you, that did not go her way so she gave up. (mine too) I think you're right on the money here. I think she wanted someone to agree with her that I am a horrible husband who is throwing away 20+ years of a wonderful marriage and abandoning our children so I can go on a 24/7/365 fuck-fest. I'm going to admit to way overreacting to her provocation and essentially going nuclear in this particular case. From our long time and experience together, I know exactly what to say to her in order to devastate her and crush her spirit, and I was relentless and merciless in doing so. It was ugly, and it scared my children, and I never want that to happen again. You're right. I'm really only angry around her. Lately she brings out the worst in me, which is weird because I would honestly say that up until recently marriage brought out the best in me. I don't think i would be where I am today if I hadn't gotten married and worked hard to become my best self, at least partially for her.
|
|
|
Post by obobfla on Jul 13, 2018 23:39:44 GMT -5
I remember going to a therapist and telling her that some people in my life wanted her to ¨fix me.¨ She took out an imaginary wand, waved it over me like a fairy godmother, and said ¨Boop! You’re fixed!¨
We both laughed. The only way I was fixed was that I had a vasectomy. She could never fix me. A therapist cannot cure an uncooperative client anymore than a teacher can educate a student unwilling to learn. She could only guide me to fix myself. I had to not only be willing to change but confident that I could change. Only then could I fix myself.
I had a lot of resentment built up against my wife. Both her mental and physical illnesses drained me, and I blamed her for my sorry state in life. It got so bad, that I found myself getting angry at her even when she did nothing wrong. I had built up a well of resentment towards her, and it spilled out unexpectedly at times.
Now my wife is gone, having passed away. I can no longer blame her for my problems. But I still get angry. In fact, my fuse is even shorter than it was when she was alive. I’m mad that she died. I’m mad that she had to suffer, and that my son doesn’t have his mother around. I’m mad that I don’t have her around to blame for my problems.
Fortunately, I am a recovering alcoholic. Why that is fortunate is that recovery gave me the gifts of recognition, acceptance, and gratitude. I recognize that I am human and can only do so much. I accept, or at least try to accept, that this is what has been dealt to me. And I must be grateful for what I have received.
My son is my pride and joy. I do good work and am stable in my job. I have a steady romantic relationship that works for the time being. But I often forget all of that and get discouraged. It’s a struggle to get my thinking corrected. When necessary, I visit a therapist or go to an AA meeting. Talking helps. I find quickly that things really aren’t that bad.
While I miss my wife, her absence gives me some perspective. I can see how difficult she had it with her problems. I did what I could to help her. She had a hard time believing she could be a good mother, and I helped her raise a wonderful son. It took me some time and distance to get to that point.
|
|
|
Post by obobfla on Jul 13, 2018 23:40:57 GMT -5
This thread made me think of this Far Side classic:
|
|