johannesfactotum
Junior Member
Behold the field in which I grow my fucks! Lay thine eyes upon it and ye shall see that it is barren
Posts: 42
Age Range: 41-45
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Post by johannesfactotum on Jul 11, 2018 20:43:45 GMT -5
I've started and stopped and restarted writing this post a half a dozen times over the past week. I've realized that I have developed anger issues stemming from my failed marriage and I need professional help. I don't want to be this person I've become.
Three years ago, I completely gave up on my marriage. I've come to despise my spouse, but largely due to the divorce laws in the state we moved to almost two years ago for my new job, I couldn't begin the divorce proceedings until recently. In the meantime, I have distanced myself from my spouse, mostly to minimize the opportunities for cruelty toward her. I've kicked her out of the bedroom and make her stay in the guest room for that same reason. She insisted on marriage counseling, but I made it crystal clear to the counselor that our marriage is dead during the few sessions we had and eventually she gave that up. I try to hold it together when we have family activities for the sake of the kids, but occasionally she provokes me and makes the vicious side come out. She managed to provoke me on Independence Day by (unfairly) comparing me to her cousin's husband. My response comparing her physically and professionally to that same cousin was fairly brutal and made her cry, ruining the day we had planned and really upsetting the children.
I hate this. I hate being angry all the time. I miss the chill, happy-go-lucky man I used to be. I hate that I enjoy making her feel bad. I regret that my children had to see this side of me that I've managed to keep from them until now.
I'm not sure why I wrote this. I just know that I'm going to make an appointment with a therapist tomorrow.
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okiedude
Junior Member
Learning to live with my Situation.
Posts: 87
Age Range: 46-50
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Post by okiedude on Jul 11, 2018 21:14:51 GMT -5
Love hurts. This proves it because if you did not care you would not care... I hope you find a good therapist. Keep your cool for your kids and try to make your house safe for them. Sorry for your pain.
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Post by bballgirl on Jul 11, 2018 21:17:23 GMT -5
Seeking individual therapy is a good idea. I hope you can find some support and comfort with this group too. I was extremely angry and lost twenty plus years with an incompatible husband. With time find forgiveness for your own sanity.
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Post by heartbrokengirl on Jul 11, 2018 21:20:51 GMT -5
I am no stranger to anger issues (actually having nothing to do with my sexless marriage). I can promise you the best thing that will help will be individual therapy that will help you process your anger and express it in an appropriate way. Don't let it overcome you. You are aware of it, so you can work on it, but do it for yourself and your kids. The absolute best thing is to be patient with yourself and be purposeful and focused on dealing with it. I can testify that you can get to a place where rage and uncontrollable anger are not common feelings for you. It's scary when you scare yourself.
Go to counseling. Get away from the unhealthy relationship that fuels your anger. You can get to a point where it no longer controls you, but you have to do it on purpose. I say that with full confidence I am 100% cured of my anger issues from an abusive childhood with an alcoholic parent. You can do it too. Don't lose hope or faith.
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Post by JMX on Jul 11, 2018 21:39:52 GMT -5
You wrote this because it hurts and you need people who understand. We do!
I think individual therapy is wise!
Beat yourself up enough not to repeat the behavior, but be kind to yourself as well. Try to smile or find something to smile about - even if it doesn’t result in such.
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Post by misssunnybunny on Jul 11, 2018 21:41:00 GMT -5
Individual therapy was a huge help for me to sort out my feelings while in my marriage, during the divorce, and afterward. It is important to find a good match, and it may take a few "interviews" to find the right therapist. There are some good places to start in a thread in the Resources section: iliasm.org/thread/2303/mental-health-care-safety-netAlso, continued support from the wonderful folks in this group.
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Post by shamwow on Jul 11, 2018 21:47:00 GMT -5
If I can ask, what is your desired outcome of therapy?
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Post by DryCreek on Jul 11, 2018 21:55:27 GMT -5
johannesfactotum, kudos for recognizing the issue and taking steps to correct it. +1 for personal therapy to talk it out and vent productively. If anything, a positive from this journey is that it forces many of us to become far more introspective and aware of our own behaviors, motivations, and triggers. You’ll find several threads here on resentment, bitterness, and anger. You’re not alone, and you’re right for wanting to address it.
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johannesfactotum
Junior Member
Behold the field in which I grow my fucks! Lay thine eyes upon it and ye shall see that it is barren
Posts: 42
Age Range: 41-45
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Post by johannesfactotum on Jul 11, 2018 22:06:19 GMT -5
If I can ask, what is your desired outcome of therapy? I just don't want to be angry all the time. I don't want her to be able to provoke that anger and make me lash out in front of the kids. I'm afraid that I've become an asshole permanently and that even our eventual divorce isn't going to allow me to let go of the viciousness and cruelty that has developed in me over the last few years. For about 19 years of our 22 year "marriage", I was patient and kind and understanding about her issues. Then one day it was like a switch flipped in my head. I realized I was tired of waiting for her to do something, anything about the issues that made our marriage nearly sexless. I was tired of the lackluster, minimal-effort crap sex that we rarely did have. I was tired of all the effort I put into making sure that she felt secure in my love and that our marriage was strong. I was tired of all the effort she put into the appearance of a successful loving marriage but not into actual substance or trying to make me happy. I want to let go of all the anger and resentment of the years I wasted with this woman. I want my children never to have to see the part of me that they saw a week ago ever again. I want to be a good father and role model for my children. Who knows, in the future I might meet someone new and I don't want to still be carrying this baggage into a new relationship.
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Post by northstarmom on Jul 11, 2018 22:10:38 GMT -5
I was very angry during my sm. Individual therapy and eventually meditation helped me let go of the anger and develop friendships and social activities with supportive people. Eventually I divorced with little acrimony or bitterness.
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Deleted
Deleted Member
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Post by Deleted on Jul 11, 2018 22:17:46 GMT -5
johannesfactotum, kudos for recognizing the issue and taking steps to correct it. +1 for personal therapy to talk it out and vent productively. If anything, a positive from this journey is that it forces many of us to become far more introspective and aware of our own behaviors, motivations, and triggers. You’ll find several threads here on resentment, bitterness, and anger. You’re not alone, and you’re right for wanting to address it. This. I’m always impressed when someone is introspective like this. You’re seeking to become a better man and that will lead you to a better life, a healthier relationship, and the joy and peace you are seeking. You’re on the right path. Don’t listen to anyone who tells you differently. Choose change before change chooses you. Love and light to you.
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Post by baza on Jul 11, 2018 22:56:37 GMT -5
I'd endorse this plan of anger management under your own steam and choice too. Much better than things slipping out of control and at the extreme, having a judge mandate it. I'm just not seeing any downside to it.
It could even help in the divorce process you allude to, as that's a process best addressed from as calm a mindset as possible.
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Post by elkclan2 on Jul 12, 2018 2:44:23 GMT -5
It's great that you've realised you're not the person you want to be and you want to take steps to change. People behave badly, but nobody MAKES you lash out and behave badly except you.
I, too, was sitting in anger a lot of the time. I'm not in my sexless marriage anymore and I'm no longer being verbally and emotionally abused on a daily basis in my own home. I'm a lot less angry.
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Post by WindSister on Jul 12, 2018 7:25:37 GMT -5
Awareness is key. Taking positive action needs to happen next. Be the person you want to be to attract the kind of life you desire.
I was angry/depressed in my SM. Getting out was a huge step on the right direction for me. But so was self improvement, and mindfulness.
MY new husband (I'm now in a sexually and emotionally healthy relationship), but anyway my husband was considered "the asshole" once upon in his life too. What his kids and family don't know is what he has shared with me.... He was about to break up with his first wife when she said, "I'm pregnant." Her mom yelled at him (he was 19) and they were forced into marriage. So, yeah, his whole life he was a little ticked off.
When we aren't living authentically, we live an agitated life.
We have to get to center, live truthfully to begin finding that peace.
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Post by WindSister on Jul 12, 2018 8:18:09 GMT -5
Want to add another thought. It's true no one "deserves" getting lashed out on And we are each responsible for how we let things get to us and how we choose to respond. But.... there are some people who are realllllly good at poking and prodding while looking like the innocent victim. That type of characteristic does exist. I've seen it in kids (interacting with other kids) all the way to adults. For my husband, his ex was super passive aggressive and an undercover nagger. I've been on the receiving end of it more than once. It's real. He learned all this through therapy after divorce.
Also, sometimes two people suck together, the energy between them is dark. They bring out the worse in each other. They become better humans by separating.
My husband brings out the best in me and he and his kids say I do for him. We lift each other up, up, up. His daughters have forgiven him for his short temper years and their relationships continue to improve. His ex continues the martyr, poor me act. That's her version of the story, that's fine.
Anyway... just had some more thoughts on it.
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