A funeral, a party and pride
Jun 23, 2018 12:07:18 GMT -5
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GeekGoddess, adixie4you2know, and 13 more like this
Post by JMX on Jun 23, 2018 12:07:18 GMT -5
My ex’s visitation - was surreal. It was almost a reunion, if I am being honest. I saw a lot of old friends I hadn’t seen in a decade, a lot of my friends here in town too that I keep up with on a regular basis. Hugs, tears, laughter. I remember staring at his casket (thankfully closed) and feeling a fleeting something and eerily nothing, all in the span of seconds. I flipped through the family’s album - I was in there a lot too. I spoke to his mom, dad, sister and brother. I shared how much he had meant to me and that they were in my heart too.
At one point, the people got overwhelming for me. I was there for the first hour of visitation and as more and more people trickled in, it just became too much. I went to work and skipped the service figuring it was immediate family only - and besides, my husband had told me it was weird for me to go in the first place.
“Don’t you think it’s weird for you to go?” He asked.
“Don’t you think it would be weird if I didn’t?”
“Well, maybe they blame you...”
Apparently my husband thinks I am responsible for my ex boyfriends death by overdose. I’ll put that aside, because I am still working THAT one out.
Anywhoo- that night, a bunch of people were meeting up. I was getting relentlessly texted so I went, not really looking forward to it. I was so glad I did. In the beginning, I was having trouble remembering the good times, I had only remembered most of the bad ones. We were able to piece together stories with each of us. I was dragged from one group to another, trying to remember x, y and z.
I didn’t realize much of their better memories of him, included me too. One hugged me, crying. One insisted I never bought a drink for myself. One put my face in his hands and stared me in the eyes and got a little misty.
“God, it’s so good to see you.”
Sadness turned into laughter, catching up. Endless stories. Oh, the stories! I had forgotten so much.
One friend, I hadn’t seen in a decade - same issue as here. SM. Getting divorced. His story was so similar to most of the guys here - typical bait-and-switch. Anyway, he told me he had stopped drinking for a year - it would be up in a week and he felt clear.
The next morning, I decided to try it too. I put a 3 month window on it. I am two weeks in. Despite a faint nagging for wanting to stop and get some wine on my way home from work, particularly after a long day with difficult people, it has been relatively easy and without withdrawal. I definitely feel more clear and in control of my life. For me, I am guessing it’s the being “mindful” part and not necessarily an addiction.
I’ve been sleeping better and, as an added benefit, I am not as inclined to barf after a CrossFit workout
The CrossFit is making me a little more turned on, honestly, and I am having a hard time tamping that down, but I feel better overall!
My last session with my therapist was basically a rundown of all that has transpired in the last two months as well as catching myself starting to tell a “story” - which she says I do a lot in the absence of facts or H’s perspective, I simply fill in the narrative.
“I just want to tell you that I am so proud of you!”
I was like - really?
“Yep. I don’t think you hear it enough.”
And she’s right. Apart from work, I do not hear it enough.
Over the last two weeks, I have felt loved, important and appreciated. I am quite proud of myself too.
It’s a good start.
At one point, the people got overwhelming for me. I was there for the first hour of visitation and as more and more people trickled in, it just became too much. I went to work and skipped the service figuring it was immediate family only - and besides, my husband had told me it was weird for me to go in the first place.
“Don’t you think it’s weird for you to go?” He asked.
“Don’t you think it would be weird if I didn’t?”
“Well, maybe they blame you...”
Apparently my husband thinks I am responsible for my ex boyfriends death by overdose. I’ll put that aside, because I am still working THAT one out.
Anywhoo- that night, a bunch of people were meeting up. I was getting relentlessly texted so I went, not really looking forward to it. I was so glad I did. In the beginning, I was having trouble remembering the good times, I had only remembered most of the bad ones. We were able to piece together stories with each of us. I was dragged from one group to another, trying to remember x, y and z.
I didn’t realize much of their better memories of him, included me too. One hugged me, crying. One insisted I never bought a drink for myself. One put my face in his hands and stared me in the eyes and got a little misty.
“God, it’s so good to see you.”
Sadness turned into laughter, catching up. Endless stories. Oh, the stories! I had forgotten so much.
One friend, I hadn’t seen in a decade - same issue as here. SM. Getting divorced. His story was so similar to most of the guys here - typical bait-and-switch. Anyway, he told me he had stopped drinking for a year - it would be up in a week and he felt clear.
The next morning, I decided to try it too. I put a 3 month window on it. I am two weeks in. Despite a faint nagging for wanting to stop and get some wine on my way home from work, particularly after a long day with difficult people, it has been relatively easy and without withdrawal. I definitely feel more clear and in control of my life. For me, I am guessing it’s the being “mindful” part and not necessarily an addiction.
I’ve been sleeping better and, as an added benefit, I am not as inclined to barf after a CrossFit workout
The CrossFit is making me a little more turned on, honestly, and I am having a hard time tamping that down, but I feel better overall!
My last session with my therapist was basically a rundown of all that has transpired in the last two months as well as catching myself starting to tell a “story” - which she says I do a lot in the absence of facts or H’s perspective, I simply fill in the narrative.
“I just want to tell you that I am so proud of you!”
I was like - really?
“Yep. I don’t think you hear it enough.”
And she’s right. Apart from work, I do not hear it enough.
Over the last two weeks, I have felt loved, important and appreciated. I am quite proud of myself too.
It’s a good start.