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Post by solodriver on Jun 20, 2018 23:29:41 GMT -5
...It is now obvious that our marriage has disintegrated. There is nothing left.
I'm making my plans and living my life now accordingly. Now, there is a real red pill moment. Well done, solodriver . Yes there is no turning back now.
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Post by solodriver on Jun 20, 2018 23:33:50 GMT -5
Sometimes, it is the innocuous little things that sets things off. The "wrong" (right) word at the "wrong" (right) time - the "wrong" (right) bit of body language at the "wrong" (right) time.....and the fuse is lit. I hope you are well prepped for the next bit Brother solodriver - a really challenging path lies ahead. Yes my friend baza, I knew what to expect when I did this and I knew what I needed to do afterwards. Because even if, by some wild chance in hell, she had let me cuddle and caress her, afterwards we'd be back to where we were. You're right my challenging path lies ahead but I'm focusing on those who have gone and are going before me down this path to stay focused and not looking back, other than to remind myself why I'm doing what I'm doing.
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Post by solodriver on Jun 20, 2018 23:36:30 GMT -5
So sorry. I have been there too. At least you know with great clarity Oh yes, it's very, very clear now that she doesn't have the capability for affection or to sexually have desire for me ever again.
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Post by solodriver on Jun 20, 2018 23:40:42 GMT -5
Solodriver said: “snuggle. She immediately pulled away and asked "What are you doing?" I said I wanted to watch TV with her since we don't do that ” You lied. That’s not what you were doing. You were trying to have sex, a normal thing for most people who are living romantically together. Why didn’t you just straight out say what you wanted? Of course your wife knew what you were trying to do. She knew that by throwing the ball directky in your court you’d back off and she could easily continue her sm. She knows you have no balls when it comes to meeting your sexual needs. She has no reason to change her behavior. Indeed, she was probably happy that you left the bed. She doesn’t want you to touch you. However, she wants to retain the benefits of marriage. You make it easy for her to have the marriage she wants. Now that you’ve done your experiment what’s your next step? Or will you continue in the marriage as you always have? If you continue the same why did you bother with the experiment? No more experiments. Thanks for the reality check..
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Post by solodriver on Jun 20, 2018 23:42:35 GMT -5
I’m sorry solodriver. I am always of a mind that the clarity in the situation (no matter how shitty it feels) is always a good thing. Funny because I was fully prepared to be rejected, but it still really, really hurt.
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Post by solodriver on Jun 20, 2018 23:45:15 GMT -5
I agree that the clarity is a good thing and honestly while it's still fresh and depending on what your goals are for yourself, I would call her out. If you do not plan to stay in the marriage then I would call her out and tell her that her behavior last night was disappointing and unacceptable. That you wanted to have sex but she wouldn't even snuggle and in your eyes this is not a marriage. Sex is part of marriage and if there's no sex then there are legal consequences. If you plan to stay no matter what then I recommend outsourcing and don't say a thing. As well I would detach and do nothing to make her life easier. Thank you bballgirl, your words took the sting out of what happened and yes I'm doing exactly as you have suggested. Focusing on my future happiness and looking forward to my next sexual experience, whenever that may happen!!
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Post by solodriver on Jun 20, 2018 23:53:03 GMT -5
Solodriver, do you now plan to proceed with what you posted June 5? If so, are you spending today calling lawyers? Still, since you did not admit to your wife that you were attempting to make love, I don’t think you have yet confronted her., perhaps that means you aren’t ready yet to end the marriage. Time is not your friend. Delay too long and something is likely to happen that will prevent or make it more difficult for you to leave. You have already lost 30 years to your sm marriage that also seems devoid of love and concern for you. No I haven't had "The Talk" yet. I've got to focus on getting my employment situation stabilized and then I can focus on the marriage situation. But in the meantime, I am going to be as distant as I can. She noticed it tonight when I came home from work, but I just keep that look on her face and the words of rejection right in the front of my mind. and it keeps me focused on ignoring any tiny bits of attention she throwing my way. My goal is to start the separation/divorce process in the next 6 to 12 months, depending on how my job situation and finance situation can shake out.
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Post by solodriver on Jun 20, 2018 23:55:46 GMT -5
I’m sorry solodriver - clarity does hurt. It can also be a firm foundation. While you get your exit plan into place, start “not doing” things for her that she can do for herself. I used to: brings drinks from the other room, get up to get things he wanted, agree to “his choice” consistently without debate - a whole slew of behaviors that really just gave my “self” away. When I was pretty sure of my decision to go, but hadn’t let him know yet - I stopped doing these things. As I would share my real opinions (& face derision) or decline to cater to him (& watch as he tried to guilt me or manipulate to get his way) - I observed, like a lab experiment. It helped me a lot with the detachment process. Start stopping doing whatever things you do “to make her life easier” - and watch her responses & reactions. I’d bet a dollar you’ll start & continue to see her uglier sides come out. I’m sorry the experiment ended the way you would have predicted. But do try to appreciate how solid your knowledge is now. She will not change. Thanks geekgodess, I'm doing exactly as you have suggested. Thanks for your support and suggestions. Just like bballgirl, I'm doing this every day!
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Post by solodriver on Jun 20, 2018 23:57:26 GMT -5
I’m sorry solodriver - clarity does hurt. It can also be a firm foundation. While you get your exit plan into place, start “not doing” things for her that she can do for herself. I used to: brings drinks from the other room, get up to get things he wanted, agree to “his choice” consistently without debate - a whole slew of behaviors that really just gave my “self” away. When I was pretty sure of my decision to go, but hadn’t let him know yet - I stopped doing these things. As I would share my real opinions (& face derision) or decline to cater to him (& watch as he tried to guilt me or manipulate to get his way) - I observed, like a lab experiment. It helped me a lot with the detachment process. Start stopping doing whatever things you do “to make her life easier” - and watch her responses & reactions. I’d bet a dollar you’ll start & continue to see her uglier sides come out. I’m sorry the experiment ended the way you would have predicted. But do try to appreciate how solid your knowledge is now. She will not change. On the flip side it isn't a bad idea to start doing any things she does for you. If you're a guy and don't know how to cook, you should learn. If she does a lot of the parenting, start forging stronger relations with your kids BEFORE you split from your spouse. It's all part of getting your own shit together but is often overlooked in the manic dash to freedom. EXACTLY!!! Thanks Shamwow
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Post by choosinghappy on Jun 21, 2018 5:27:31 GMT -5
I’m sorry solodriver. I am always of a mind that the clarity in the situation (no matter how shitty it feels) is always a good thing. Funny because I was fully prepared to be rejected, but it still really, really hurt. I definitely understand. That’s what happened with me a couple weeks ago when my H busied himself in the closet to avoid seeing me naked, pretending he didn’t know I was there. I should have expected nothing less but it still really really hurt. It certainly made his position on things clear though.
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Post by mescaline on Jun 21, 2018 7:02:30 GMT -5
I don't think it is even the rejection that is painful when situations like this crop up. It's more that the hope of change is slowly leaving you. Realistically I know that my marriage is a farce, I can easily rationalise to myself that nothing is going to change, all evidence points to the status quo remaining, so why do we hold on to that pathetic little flame of hope?
I don't expect to find an answer to that soon, but the gods know how much I'd like to extinguish that fire.
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Post by time4intimacy on Jun 21, 2018 14:00:07 GMT -5
This is very sad, but it is better to know and accept reality then to live in denial or in a state of non-decision. Good luck!
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Post by Deleted on Jun 21, 2018 14:09:19 GMT -5
I don't think it is even the rejection that is painful when situations like this crop up. It's more that the hope of change is slowly leaving you. Realistically I know that my marriage is a farce, I can easily rationalise to myself that nothing is going to change, all evidence points to the status quo remaining, so why do we hold on to that pathetic little flame of hope? I don't expect to find an answer to that soon, but the gods know how much I'd like to extinguish that fire. But isn't that the entire point of doing an experiment like this? To finally extinguish the hope that we already know has no reason for existing? It should allow us to use our time more productively, because repeatedly trying to light a fire with a soggy matchbook is a huge waste of time and energy. Literally anything else short of suicide would be more productive - going to school, starting a hobby, making an exit plan, finding an affair partner. Clarity hurts but it's also freeing.
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Post by mescaline on Jun 21, 2018 14:58:06 GMT -5
Oh I agree dude, I just wonder why it takes so long and why despite all the evidence we often persist beyond the point of rational thought!
We see it time and again here, and I'm as guilty as anyone. It's been years since any advance of mine was reciprocated, yet even as recently as April 2017, I still tried knowing exactly what you know, expecting what your expected and receiving the same brush off.
I suppose I'm just wondering at my own self duplicity and stupidity!
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Post by tirefire on Jun 21, 2018 21:05:15 GMT -5
I’m sorry solodriver. I am always of a mind that the clarity in the situation (no matter how shitty it feels) is always a good thing. Funny because I was fully prepared to be rejected, but it still really, really hurt. Rejection is always going to hurt if you have fairly normal-ish emotions. I'm sorry this happened but I hope you can seize a personal win from this. Clarity.
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