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Post by baza on Jun 19, 2018 19:55:26 GMT -5
"it equals a decision to stop trying to impose my will on the situation." That, is one great summary Sister workingonit .
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Post by greatcoastal on Jun 19, 2018 21:58:27 GMT -5
For me acceptance means I am not trying to change my h, not working on trying to make our relationship sexual. There is no real serenity or emotions tied to that. Sometimes I am sad, sometimes depressed, sometimes at peace, sometimes angry that this is where my life has come to. It is, like others have said, a choice to see that this is the relationship we are capable of. It does not equal a decision to leave or go- it equals a decision to stop trying to impose my will on the situation. A choice to see that this is the relationship we are capable of. You are correct, it is a choice,but it's not your only choice, and it most likely is not the limit of a relationship that YOU are capable of, but it is for your spouse,and it's going to get worse.(statistics,studies, and others testimonies prove that) It does not equal a decision to leave or go. True. The same can be said for the person who drives their car in the middle of a 4 way intersection and decides to park their while the lights keep changing and traffic backs up for miles. Or by putting your head in the sand you are making your butt a sitting target. It equals a decision to stop trying to impose my will on the situation. True again. Now ask yourself " whose will remains in the marriage?" answer, the low libido spouse who gets to call the shots. What are the odds that this will and has already found its way into all other aspects of the marriage. In so, so many cases the next factor is money. Does only one of you get to impose their will on the finances? See the ripple effect? Remember his wedding vows? I Mr. Workingonit promise to have and to hold, to honor and respect, to love and to cherish till death do us part. That's why you got married! Not, "I will no longer try to change my H and will accept that I am wrong to have a voice in anything, including making OUR relationship sexual" Since when did marriage become " I have no sexual need for you (or anyone) so you are forbidden to have any sexual needs for me or anyone else because we are married"? If your willing to accept that and wait until things get better, they won't. That is sticking your head in the sand. My 15 yr old daughter and I had dinner together and a wonderful conversation about her and her boyfriend. it's summer time and he's working. She sends him texts. 3 days go by before she hears back from him. His answers to "how are you, what are you doing, what's new?" are "nothing". I in turn asked her, "have you met his parents? Do you know what kind of marriage they have? what is his background?" She told me they divorced a couple years ago. His dad is a police officer. His mom is dating this guy that he (her boyfriend) hates. He's angry, mean, disrespectful, full of tattoos,etc... he likes being with his dad. She went on to say " I met his mom once. She said "hello" and that was it and left us alone. my daughter went on to tell me " he says he's tired after work and doesn't want to do anything, yet he goes out to the movies after 6;00pm with his dad, he stays up very late playing video games, and he goes off with a couple of his guy friends. Normally I can ask my girlfriends about a guy because they know the other girls who have already dated them. However my guy hasn't dated anyone yet, I'm his first one. She also explained to me" we would see each other every day, 5 days a week and have things to talk about, now nothing? (we said more and more things I can't remember it all) Quite a lot going on there, isn't it? Talk about a life lesson! You can imagine some of my responses after years of reading about sexless marriages, manipulative control, how your upbringing affects your personality, etc... I sadly had to tell her, and ask her, "do you know what love bombing is? Do you know how long a relationship like that lasts? Do you know what FOG stands for? (and then relating it to this young man's relationship with his parents, and some of his fears that he has yet to even discover never mind resolve. I asked her questions about her needs verses his needs. I explained to her about being a codependent and giving each other the space needed to have independant likes and yet still do things together, and how he's not ready for that. My daughter brought up an example of going to a basketball game with him. She hates the loud noise, she doesn't enjoy watching the game, she would rather be at a quiet place talking with him, but she goes to make him happy. I asked her, "what about if you where married and he wants to go to the basketball game with his friends, are you going to say no? Are you going to feel that you need to be there?" she said " I would let him go with his friends, and I would want to spend time with him when he gets home". I asked her what are you going to do while he's gone? she said " I'll probably watch one of those drama shows that he doesn't like". Here she is at 15 1/2 and it's already starting. Settling, compromissing, to Mr low labido, Mr low self esteem, being a giver and not realizing that there needs to be receiving going on too, or it's all going to fall apart.
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Post by workingonit on Jun 20, 2018 5:33:44 GMT -5
greatcoastal I appreciate your perspective and kudos for pushing your daughter to value herself and expect better treatment. I dont believe I am sticking my head in the sand. I think I am taking my head out of the sand actually. I am a naturally optimistic and positive person. I have been sexless for 9 years because I kept believing it would get better and kept coming up with new ideas to change the dynamic. I was sure there was something I could DO to fix it. There was something I could say to make him want me more than his insecurities. I am very able to put my head in the sand. It is pretty cozy to live like that and lie to myself. I am not lying to myself anymore. This is the marriage we have and are able to have. My plan now is to leave. Yes I am staying for the kids but it is not with my head in the sand. Nor is it devaluing my needs. I have done both of those things. I am more awake now and more able to be honest. Last night my h was telling me about something that is hard for him in his studies right now. Then he said "it is worse because I feel so unmoored and unsure of us so I dont feel like I have any grounding." He knows I am on my way out. I could feel it niggling in my mind to fall into pattern and reassure him, give him the grounding that he needs. THAT is the head in the sand. THAT is the devaluing my needs. I have been emotionally and physically putting him first for 18 years. Instead I said "Yeah, I can see how that is difficult for you." He waited for me to say more but I did not and the conversation returned to his academics. I was not angry but I was not going to lie and pretend this is a marriage that meets my needs. THAT is being woke to the reality of my marriage and stepping out of pattern, pulling my head from the sand.
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Post by flashjohn on Jul 3, 2018 11:49:12 GMT -5
I have clearly chosen to return to Mr Bballgirl after a divorce with acceptance that he doesn't want sex with me but that's ok because I sure as hell don't want sex with him. So we are finally sexually compatible. Of course it took me making the biggest change but I'm not sad about it. I'm happy with my life right now and I'm not celibate. I have a lover that I'm very compatible with and if we see each other twice a month then I am content with that. So I'm not sad and I don't feel like I gave up. Honestly mr Bballgirl gave up - he gave up on our marriage so I divorced him. Consequences for poor behavior and poor choices. Very interesting. I wonder how this is working?
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Post by bballgirl on Jul 3, 2018 12:57:35 GMT -5
I have clearly chosen to return to Mr Bballgirl after a divorce with acceptance that he doesn't want sex with me but that's ok because I sure as hell don't want sex with him. So we are finally sexually compatible. Of course it took me making the biggest change but I'm not sad about it. I'm happy with my life right now and I'm not celibate. I have a lover that I'm very compatible with and if we see each other twice a month then I am content with that. So I'm not sad and I don't feel like I gave up. Honestly mr Bballgirl gave up - he gave up on our marriage so I divorced him. Consequences for poor behavior and poor choices. Very interesting. I wonder how this is working? Glad to see you back flashjohnTo answer your question, I’m very happy with my life right now. I have my family back together. I think of Mr Bballgirl like a companion and family. We share two kids and a lot of history. I love him but it’s not passionate love. We moved back together under one roof earlier this year and a lot of the problems we had before with money, household responsibilities, sex, etc. they are not issues anymore. We are also both benefiting from a two income household, and I still get the child support. I also know with 100% certainty that divorce was the right thing. It gave both of us the room to heal and grow. I know that Mr. Bballgirl loves me in his own way and I love him in mine and I believe that love is more compatible now, he did not hesitate when I texted him if we could try again. As far as sex - I have my lover, he’s also a friend. He’s married, his wife knows about me. I get to see him 2 or 3 times a month. The sex is great and it got to a point that I only wanted sex with him. I tried the dating thing for well over a year and I met a lot of men, some nice that wanted a relationship with me but I didn’t. Most likely because I didn’t meet the right man for me. However I learned a lot about myself during that time. It made me realize what I wanted for myself, amongst those things - my family together, companionship, stability, the comfort I feel to be myself with Mr Bballgirl but not sexually of course. Also what I didn’t want - I didn’t want to date anymore and I didn’t want another man around my kids other than their dad, and I didn’t want to put the work into a new relationship. This works for me because I accept that no relationship is perfect, Mr. Bballgirl has been given his consequences for his poor behavior, I’m not married and I’m having great sex. Also my sex drive is not as crazy as when I was celibate so sex three times a month and trust me we make the most of it satisfies me. And not for nothing but it is tough being a single mom on a teachers salary. Ok there’s my rambling update again so good to see you back here with all of your wisdom and I’m so glad you are in Oppositeland.
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