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Post by Deleted on Jun 15, 2018 9:31:50 GMT -5
shamwow wrote on the "staying" thread: I didn't want to hijack that thread, but I'm interested if people distinguish between active acceptance of their SM and resignation to the SM. It seems to me that there is a difference: acceptance is an active decision, knowing the pros and cons and choosing to stay for some specific reasons. Resignation seems like a passive, "I give up" choice. I know that last year I would have told anyone that I knew the pros and cons and I was actively choosing to stay, and I could have given lots of reasons. But I was fooling myself, and I was telling myself it was my choice to make myself feel better, when in fact it was me giving up. How do you know that your decision to stay is truly one of serene acceptance and not one of depressed resignation?
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Post by bballgirl on Jun 15, 2018 10:31:50 GMT -5
I have clearly chosen to return to Mr Bballgirl after a divorce with acceptance that he doesn't want sex with me but that's ok because I sure as hell don't want sex with him. So we are finally sexually compatible. Of course it took me making the biggest change but I'm not sad about it. I'm happy with my life right now and I'm not celibate. I have a lover that I'm very compatible with and if we see each other twice a month then I am content with that. So I'm not sad and I don't feel like I gave up. Honestly mr Bballgirl gave up - he gave up on our marriage so I divorced him. Consequences for poor behavior and poor choices.
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Post by Isabellas39 on Jun 15, 2018 11:40:38 GMT -5
I believe that I have accepted the reality of my situation. I don't expect sex to ever return, and it means I don't ask. However, I can't say that it has brought me some eternal serenity because there are times I miss all the things a real relationship includes. We recently moved and one thought that went through my head was the last house saw zero sexual activity,same with the last house and I expect the same here.
Being married yet living as if you're single is hard, and it sometimes floods me with negative emotions regardless of my acceptance. We are friendly, and we can laugh and do things together . Recently, I asked him if he doesn't miss the simple things like passionate kisses and that was an interesting conversation. I genuinely wanted to know because I don't understand how anyone can be happy without any intimacy. Did I outsource ? Hell yes, but it was a bandaid because that too has its own drama and can't replace a *real* relationship where I get to sleep next to someone that truly desires me.
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Post by mescaline on Jun 15, 2018 14:24:38 GMT -5
Is there really any difference between acceptance as resignation in a SM? Surely it's just a case of slight semantics. Resignation is acceptance with a passive and slightly negative connotation.
As has been said many times staying and accepting and staying and resigning are still choices either way.
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Post by choosinghappy on Jun 15, 2018 15:35:58 GMT -5
mescaline There is a difference for me: Truly accepting the reality of my situation is what led me to actively decide to leave (when the other option was resigning myself to staying). But acceptance wasn’t serene for me, as was mentioned, it was more about taking a hard, painful look at the reality and deciding to use the truth to propel me to take action. (First by outsourcing, then as I learned more about myself and what I truly want, making my exit plan.)
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Post by mescaline on Jun 15, 2018 15:49:08 GMT -5
Interesting way of looking at it Lonelywifey. Is it more about the passive/active element of it then?
Resignation suggests no action, acceptance is almost being objective and realising that you can't change some things, but you still have significant control (over yourself for example).
In which case I am resigned to my wife's feelings and accepting of my marriage.
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Post by baza on Jun 15, 2018 20:56:00 GMT -5
I think that this "acceptance" or "resignation" issue and what either means hangs off another issue, that issue being "choice". Whether you are choosing to stay, or whether you are choosing to go. If you have done your due diligence, fully checked out the options so you are considering the matter from as fully informed a basis as you can, and the case to stay (or leave) stands up - all by itself - as being in your longer term best interests, then your choice is pretty clear. Whichever choice you make is NOT going to be the end of your problems though. Far from it. You will have either - (a) - the problems that the choice to stay brings with it (b) - the problems that the choice to leave brings with it (c) - and as well as (a) or (b) you'll have the day to day problems that life throws everyone It really comes down to which set of problems you want to have. There is no such option as "not having problems". Whatever you do (or don't do) there are going to be problems, no-one gets a pass on that. An example might be Sister ballofconfusion . If you read her run of stories you'd be familiar with her raft of problems in her ILIASM shithole. A pretty intimidating set of problems. If you see her more current position, as she is working her way out of her ILIASM shithole I think you'd agree that that set of problems is pretty horrendous too. Same with Sister workingonit . Staying, with a very impressive array of problems that choice involves. To cut to the chase, whatever choice you make (or don't make) now, consequences will ensue. But I think, if you choose on a fully informed (as you can) basis, with an underlying policy of what is in your longer term best interests (irrespective of the short term downsides) then there is a level of serenity to be had, and a large part of the resentment factor starts to fall away. You see staying (or leaving) as being in your best longer term interests ? Does your case for leaving (or staying) stand up all by itself ? Then you choose, you own the choice, you live the choice, and there is a level of peace to be had in that. Alternatively, you do not choose but rather follow the default setting, without owning it, without living it - and I don't think there is much peace of mind to be had in that model.
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Post by GeekGoddess on Jun 15, 2018 23:00:00 GMT -5
I agree that “choice” is the main ingredient in the distinction.
Acceptance, to me, means seeing the whole reality. Reality is that I could (& in my case, did) choose to leave. Or I could stay & try to figure out some way to live WITH the SM. I could not find a way for me to that, personally.
Resignation, to me, is a passive & slightly “untrue” version of believing “there’s nothing I can do” - I just don’t buy into that. I don’t want to resign from being the author of my life. To me resignation indicates giving away what small power I did have.
These are just “my take” on the connotations.
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Post by DryCreek on Jun 16, 2018 0:55:52 GMT -5
I’d agree that choice is the key point here, regardless of terms.
Off-the-cuff, decisions might be conscious and fully-informed; or passive, one-day-at-a-time, defaulting through inaction; or having an outcome forced upon you against your will (being trapped).
Being at peace with the decision goes a long way toward one’s mental (and physical) health. Being happy about it is an entirely separate thing. Choices usually involve trade-offs.
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Post by greatcoastal on Jun 16, 2018 5:09:39 GMT -5
Oh... for about 10 yrs. I chose to "accept" my situation. Or you can look at it this way, " I stuck my head in the sand, all that did was make my butt a sitting target".
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Post by bballgirl on Jun 16, 2018 6:34:17 GMT -5
I’d agree that choice is the key point here, regardless of terms. Off-the-cuff, decisions might be conscious and fully-informed; or passive, one-day-at-a-time, defaulting through inaction; or having an outcome forced upon you against your will (being trapped). Being at peace with the decision goes a long way toward one’s mental (and physical) health. Being happy about it is an entirely separate thing. Choices usually involve trade-offs. Choices usually do involve trade offs- in life everything comes at a price. For me I didn't want to date anymore and having a roommate for more financial stability was inevitable- to me there's no better roommate than the father of my children. My family is together but I can't have sex whenever I want, but that wasn't happening when I was single. I had the kids 70% of the time with 2 weekends off. Nothing is perfect in life but it's up to us to go after what will make us happy.
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Post by ironhamster on Jun 16, 2018 9:49:57 GMT -5
I'm not sure I ever accepted it. Acceptance indicates a level of comfort. I had to lie to myself, telling myself that things would get better, to maintain the relationship.
I'd like to throw the word "acquiescence" out as how I would describe my response to my predicament, accepting by lack of protest. I took my refuser at her word about what the problem was.
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Post by mescaline on Jun 16, 2018 11:29:00 GMT -5
I really like the word acquiescence!
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Post by obobfla on Jun 16, 2018 12:37:07 GMT -5
Those of us who have been through 12-step programs are familiar with this prayer:
“God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, The courage to change the things I can, And the wisdom to know the difference”
I cannot change the fact that my wife died or that she was mentally ill. But I could get her treatment. I could not change that she didn’t want sex. But I could decide whether to outsource or be celibate. If I chose to be celibate, then I had to accept it without resentment. If I resent my wife not having sex with me, then I haven’t accepted it. And I resented the hell out of my wife’s choice when I couldn’t outsource.
My resentment was as much with myself as with her. I knew I could leave, but I felt it was best to stay. Had I had more money, I could have left. But I didn’t.
Acceptance is what happens inside myself. I accepted that I can no longer drink. I really don’t miss alcohol. I accepted my wife’s illnesses. These were out of my control. But my sex life was in my control, so I did what I could.
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Post by workingonit on Jun 18, 2018 20:34:25 GMT -5
For me acceptance means I am not trying to change my h, not working on trying to make our relationship sexual. There is no real serenity or emotions tied to that. Sometimes I am sad, sometimes depressed, sometimes at peace, sometimes angry that this is where my life has come to. It is, like others have said, a choice to see that this is the relationship we are capable of. It does not equal a decision to leave or go- it equals a decision to stop trying to impose my will on the situation.
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