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Post by juststuckguy on Jun 4, 2018 11:45:25 GMT -5
northstarmom, don't have a blueprint. Have an intent. Your questions are valid, will need to solve them. As for FWB, maybe those in my situation will fit well, if we are driven by the same motivations. DryCreek, agree, lesser of 2 evils. baza, agree also that there are no right answers, and every answer sucks a lot. I'm leaning towards holding known problems steady, while I find sex surrogacy somehow.
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Post by choosinghappy on Jun 4, 2018 12:06:39 GMT -5
northstarmom, don't have a blueprint. Have an intent. Your questions are valid, will need to solve them. As for FWB, maybe those in my situation will fit well, if we are driven by the same motivations. juststuckguy I agree that it’s possible you could find someone to fit well for a FWB. I’d change northstarmom’s comment to read that MANY women want those additional things - not “virtually all women”. I certainly didn’t want any of that from my NSA partner. I was honest about what it was and what it wasn’t from the start, as was he, and it worked out great for us both. It’s when someone isn’t truthful or when feelings get involved that it can potentially become messy. But it doesn’t have to be any more than just getting your needs met as long as that is what you BOTH want. That said, I know I’m in the minority with this one. But I highly doubt I am alone.
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Post by baza on Jun 4, 2018 12:13:54 GMT -5
The main issue with a policy of "holding known problems steady, while I find sex surrogacy somehow" is that you then take on BOTH sets of problems Brother juststuckguy . That's not sustainable. Most people (well me at least !!) found it extremely difficult to deal with one package of problems involving staying in an ILIASM shithole, let alone the additional package of fresh problems involved in outsourcing.
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Post by choosinghappy on Jun 4, 2018 12:42:18 GMT -5
But with all due respect baza, you are speaking from a standpoint of someone who never outsourced. You have opinions on it, which everyone is of course entitled to, but as someone who does outsource, my experience does not align with your view of creating a “package of fresh problems”. I won’t go so far as to say it solved any problems in my marriage, but it did help ME be able to A) better deal with those existing problems and B) be able to view my SM with a different perspective, thereby leading me to recognize that, as you say, it is not sustainable. Just as many/most/all of us who end up on ILIASM cannot simply take the word of others that we would be best to leave our SM situations (no matter how deep into shithole status they are) without first learning the lessons we each need to learn to come to terms with our realities, we also can’t expect others to hear: “outsourcing causes more problems than it’s worth” (paraphrasing of course), and just take another’s word for it. Everyone has their own path, needs, thoughts on their unique situation. I think it’s important that people are aware of the potential pitfalls before proceeding with outsourcing but I would not dissuade someone in a SM from trying to get their sexual needs met if that is what they feel they need. (Again, as long as they’ve truly thought it through first.) Outsourcing has not only saved my bacon but also has potentially led to a solid future relationship once I am able to make my exit. Sometimes the upside can drastically outweigh the downside.
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Post by baza on Jun 4, 2018 20:27:12 GMT -5
I could argue the toss here about whether I cheated or not (there were a couple of instances of opportunistic "one off" events in my marital history. Some people might regard that as cheating, some might not) But to your wider point Sister choosinghappy - "Sometimes the upside can drastically outweigh the downside" - is certainly true. In fact I'd go further, and say that *most times* it is a game changer that in a longer term view turns out to have been a good thing. Particularly if it provides the impetus to get you out of your ILIASM shithole...or at least gets you to objectively re-evaluate the whole dynamic. I think I said to Brother @shynjdude at one point that his escapade into cheating probably had more impact on propelling him forward than 1,000 posts / suggestions ever could.
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Post by juststuckguy on Jun 5, 2018 20:38:24 GMT -5
I forget who, but someone else here said it best - if your spouse is not interested in sharing a sexual life with you, they have no business into what/who you share your sexual life with. baza, I don't consider it cheating. In my view, a discrete, periodic, and truthful FWB encounter is sufficient for me to continue on until I'm ready to disrupt my domestic situation. Certainly better than the alternative (again, for me). I was VERY mad at my wife earlier, now I'm just sad at my luck and my broken heart. She's 100% fantastic companion and co-parent, just not a sexual person. Yes it will be a fragmented life and sometimes complicated, but nothing is simple anymore. Best I can do is find fulfilling sex while not making my wife feel humiliated in public.
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