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Post by shamwow on May 30, 2018 6:49:01 GMT -5
It can get worse. Mine came out of the shower one time not realizing I was in the room. When she realized I'd seen her she was mortified and covered up. She would blatantly avert her eyes when the situation was reversed.
Super self esteem booster! God how that shit fucked with my head... Good riddance.
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Post by greatcoastal on May 30, 2018 7:37:48 GMT -5
I am both sad for you and wanting to wish you congratulations. Though it came through hurt achieving 100% clarity is a gift and it is coming at exactly the right time. You are brilliant and funny and compassionate and passionate. You are ready to honor yourself. Read about this experience again if the struggles ahead make you waiver. You KNOW your truth. And the struggles have already made me waiver! Even after JUST writing this earlier. Well, perhaps waiver is not the correct word but I *am* questioning if I can do this on my own after a very tough day and night with my kiddo, healthwise. It’s times like these that make me concerned that my son NEEDS two parents there. (He has special needs for those who may not know.) This has been my biggest concern with leaving my H: will things be ok for my son if he only has me? Sigh. I don’t know the right answer. Bad nights like these happen approximately 1-2 times a month depending on whether he’s healthy or sick. When he’s sick, I can end up going days without getting really any sleep at all, while caring for him. It’s those days that I NEED H there to help care for ME. I don’t know if I can do this on my own. With all of H’s work travel I’ve honestly gotten lucky that often these bad times fall on days when he is here and not on be other side of the country or world. But when I’m alone... whew, it’s rough. However, it makes me think of a quote: “on particularly hard days when I think I can’t endure, I remember that my track record for getting through bad days is 100%, and that’s pretty good.” God knows I’ve had more experience acting as a “single mom” than the average person who gets divorced. Hopefully this will help me. And during the bad days, I’ll endure. Leaving my H will make the bad days worse but the good days even better (for ME anyway, and in the long run, for my son too because he’ll have a happier, stronger, more balanced mother). Here’s hoping. "My son NEEDS two parents there". There is a lot of truth in that. Think of it this way, get him a replacement father, a step dad. You won't be the first. With a step dad comes a new MIL, new friends, new neighbors, and a new YOU! You "get through the bad days 100% and that's pretty good". Sounds like another tipping point, another victory for you! BRAVO! You make me reflect upon my own family. We brought a two year old into our family of three kids. (you have one child to offer to a new man) Our two year old ended up having 5 learning disabilities, and there is always the trauma of the adoption into a new home from a foreign country. Years later we brought a 10 yr old and a 14 yr. old into our family at the same time. You lonelywifey@ have one, young boy (a very adorable one) to bring to the table as you proceed into the dating world in your future. He's not getting any younger, neither are you. In two more years he can be enrolled in public school where there are programs for children with special needs. That will introduce you to more families. There is also the hope that he improves and does better, with his needs as he gets older. (that's what's happening with my "not so little" girl and her learning disabilities) Also as you get older the field of men will be older to, meaning they will have older children, perhaps more than one, so consider all these things, (as i'm sure you do) as the clock keeps on ticking. lastly, I feel a strong urge to praise you and to remind you that their are men out there who can and will love you, and your son unconditionally, and give you the feelings of worth and being cherished that you deserve. I think of all the men I met in the adoption community who took a child into their life from only seeing a picture. Meanwhile your son can have the best of both worlds, his biological dad and a step dad. The three of them may get along very well, and your now H can get the help he needs.
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Post by choosinghappy on May 30, 2018 8:20:21 GMT -5
Thanks greatcoastal for the vote of confidence about being able to find someone to love me (and my son) in the way I need and deserve. I do think (and hope) this is true and I WOULD like to get married again some day if I’m with the right person and he feels the same. But I had to think a moment on why the first part of your response regarding a potential step-dad made me feel a bit uncomfortable. I think it’s because, while I’d ideally like someday for that to happen, it would have to be because that man is right for ME first - can love, cherish, desire me in the way I need and my STBX cannot - AND that he is right for my son too. I’m not going to be on the hunt for a “replacement dad” because if that was my main goal I’d just stick with the good dad and the crappy relationship I already have with my H. Instead, I’ll want a great relationship, which would include that man being good for my son too, or else he wouldn’t even make the cut in the first place. I’m learning not to settle again. And a big part of being able to reach this point is having the confidence to feel I have the ability and fortitude to do this on my own, regardless of whether or not I end up the kind of relationship I want in the future.
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Post by northstarmom on May 30, 2018 8:21:19 GMT -5
"My son NEEDS two parents there". There is a lot of truth in that. Think of it this way, get him a replacement father, a step dad. You won't be the first.”
An awful idea. Desperate hunts for fathers for their already existing kids is how women end up with men who are pedophiles or otherwise unsuitable. Disreputable men prey on women looking for dads for their kids.
If her husband is a responsible dad now why wouldn’t he be one after a divorce? If she divorced, she could do it in a way that allows and encourages her child’s father to continue being involved with his child.
She could also connect with and learn from single mothers of kids with special needs similar to her son’s.
Also what exactly are your son’s needs? Some here may know of resources or may be in similar situations that would allow you to learn from and support each other.
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Post by greatcoastal on May 30, 2018 8:33:21 GMT -5
"My son NEEDS two parents there". There is a lot of truth in that. Think of it this way, get him a replacement father, a step dad. You won't be the first.” An awful idea. Desperate hunts for fathers for their already existing kids is how women end up with men who are pedophiles or otherwise unsuitable. Disreputable men prey on women looking for dads for their kids. If her husband is a responsible dad now why wouldn’t he be one after a divorce? If she divorced, she could do it in a way that allows and encourages her child’s father to continue being involved with his child. She could also connect with and learn from single mothers of kids with special needs similar to her son’s. Also what exactly are your son’s needs? Some here may know of resources or may be in similar situations that would allow you to learn from and support each other. Okay..... I have no idea..why you think I did not encourage lonelywifey@ to realize her H still is ,.and will be a responsible dad and be involved with his child. I even mentioned her connecting with other "families" -that includes single woman-. Your words " an awful idea" are way over the top. I give this woman far more credit than to be putting her self in a situation like that. I've got to run. Pray for me. I'm going to the bank to apply for a loan. I've got a $17,000 penalty from my IRA withdrawal in order to buy my house. One big screwed up flaw in the divorce. It's gotten complex. I have 16 days to make it happen.
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Post by choosinghappy on May 30, 2018 8:52:39 GMT -5
northstarmom I don’t feel comfortable going into any greater detail on this forum about my son’s issues than what I’ve divulged. Luckily I do already have a wide network of other moms and families dealing with the same genetic condition so I feel set there.
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Post by flounder on May 31, 2018 5:11:24 GMT -5
I am both sad for you and wanting to wish you congratulations. Though it came through hurt achieving 100% clarity is a gift and it is coming at exactly the right time. You are brilliant and funny and compassionate and passionate. You are ready to honor yourself. Read about this experience again if the struggles ahead make you waiver. You KNOW your truth. And the struggles have already made me waiver! Even after JUST writing this earlier. Well, perhaps waiver is not the correct word but I *am* questioning if I can do this on my own after a very tough day and night with my kiddo, healthwise. It’s times like these that make me concerned that my son NEEDS two parents there. (He has special needs for those who may not know.) This has been my biggest concern with leaving my H: will things be ok for my son if he only has me? Sigh. I don’t know the right answer. Bad nights like these happen approximately 1-2 times a month depending on whether he’s healthy or sick. When he’s sick, I can end up going days without getting really any sleep at all, while caring for him. It’s those days that I NEED H there to help care for ME. I don’t know if I can do this on my own. With all of H’s work travel I’ve honestly gotten lucky that often these bad times fall on days when he is here and not on be other side of the country or world. But when I’m alone... whew, it’s rough. However, it makes me think of a quote: “on particularly hard days when I think I can’t endure, I remember that my track record for getting through bad days is 100%, and that’s pretty good.” God knows I’ve had more experience acting as a “single mom” than the average person who gets divorced. Hopefully this will help me. And during the bad days, I’ll endure. Leaving my H will make the bad days worse but the good days even better (for ME anyway, and in the long run, for my son too because he’ll have a happier, stronger, more balanced mother). Here’s hoping. My father left my mother for another woman when I was 18 months old. He wouldn’t pay child support. Her lawyer told her she would never make it on her own. She worked three jobs,earned a degree in accounting at our local community college and raised a son at the same time. The woman was a saint in my eyes. You can do this.
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Post by flounder on May 31, 2018 5:21:26 GMT -5
northstarmom I don’t feel comfortable going into any greater detail on this forum about my son’s issues than what I’ve divulged. Luckily I do already have a wide network of other moms and families dealing with the same genetic condition so I feel set there. My son has disabilities as well. It has made me hesitant about divorce because his mother is his rock. No matter how bad our marriage has been,I really couldn’t ask for a better mother for my kids. She is phenomenal in that department. I understand the hesitation.
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Post by snowman12345 on May 31, 2018 5:30:52 GMT -5
I feel your pain ,its a horrible situation that takes your self confidence and leaves you feeling so unattractive and undesirable. I have been in similar situations many times. I cannot understand it at all and find this lack of interest in sex intolerable. yet I still love my husband ,we have been together many years most of them with a good active sex life. I truly believe my husband is scared of sex now. I found out 4 years ago he was having an affair with a much younger colleague, we had stopped having sex during his fling and I thought he was stressed. We resolved our difficulties ,he told me he had always loved me ,would never have left me. After his affair ended we resumed a good sex life for a brief few weeks then he stopped telling me he had lost ALL interest in sex. I was gutted am still struggling he hides from any contact, he has never touched me intimately since. I have made advances and know he can get stiff but doesn't want to use it . sadness doesn't cover it, I hope you will get back to happy lonleywifey, the pain of not understanding is unbearable good luck Your post has your answer in it. Take it from a guy who is a known "cheater" - he is cheating again.
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Post by ted on Jun 2, 2018 13:48:55 GMT -5
[...] I don’t usually write here looking for support, I much prefer to give it! [....] Just noticed what you said here. You're as valuable and worthy of support as anyone to whom you give it, you know. And just like you want to give it to others, we want to give it to you! Don't deprive us of the opportunity.
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Post by solodriver on May 25, 2019 15:03:55 GMT -5
I am both sad for you and wanting to wish you congratulations. Though it came through hurt achieving 100% clarity is a gift and it is coming at exactly the right time. You are brilliant and funny and compassionate and passionate. You are ready to honor yourself. Read about this experience again if the struggles ahead make you waiver. You KNOW your truth. And the struggles have already made me waiver! Even after JUST writing this earlier. Well, perhaps waiver is not the correct word but I *am* questioning if I can do this on my own after a very tough day and night with my kiddo, healthwise. It’s times like these that make me concerned that my son NEEDS two parents there. (He has special needs for those who may not know.) This has been my biggest concern with leaving my H: will things be ok for my son if he only has me? Sigh. I don’t know the right answer. Bad nights like these happen approximately 1-2 times a month depending on whether he’s healthy or sick. When he’s sick, I can end up going days without getting really any sleep at all, while caring for him. It’s those days that I NEED H there to help care for ME. I don’t know if I can do this on my own. With all of H’s work travel I’ve honestly gotten lucky that often these bad times fall on days when he is here and not on be other side of the country or world. But when I’m alone... whew, it’s rough. However, it makes me think of a quote: “on particularly hard days when I think I can’t endure, I remember that my track record for getting through bad days is 100%, and that’s pretty good.” God knows I’ve had more experience acting as a “single mom” than the average person who gets divorced. Hopefully this will help me. And during the bad days, I’ll endure. Leaving my H will make the bad days worse but the good days even better (for ME anyway, and in the long run, for my son too because he’ll have a happier, stronger, more balanced mother). Here’s hoping. choosinghappy, how are things going for you and your son now that you're separated from your ex? I remember you writing that you were concerned if you could do this on your own.
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Post by solodriver on May 25, 2019 19:34:10 GMT -5
Unfortunately, my biggest source of help in any “emergencies” like when H is gone and both my son and I are sick so I really need some help (staying with him while I nap, cooking meals, helping with dishes, cleaning) has been my mother in law. She’s who I call when I really need help and she drops everything, takes days off of work and comes. I know she will always be there for her grandson but I realize that by divorcing her son, I can’t really ask her to continue to be there for ME when I need it. I’m sad about how that relationship may change. I am honestly closer with my MIL than with my own mother so that was also a major factor to weigh into my decision to leave. choosinghappy, were you able to still have a relationship with your MIL so she is still a part of your son's life and able to provide assistance for you? Or did what you feared would happen actually happen since you've separated?
Hopefully the relationship was important enough for her to remain involved, regardless of her son's behavior towards you as a husband.
I had a wonderful relationship with my former MIL (better than my own mother) from my first marriage, even after getting divorced. She didn't judge me or even asked questions about what happened.
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Post by solodriver on May 26, 2019 13:45:13 GMT -5
My two immediate thoughts are: 1. When H and I separate I plan to move one state over to the town where one of my sisters lives with her family. They will be able to help me in any case of emergency and it will just be nicer to be near them too and get together often. 2. Maybe I could look into a “night nurse” type situation - someone who’s on call if I need help (especially in the middle of the night or if tough times go on for days because kiddo is sick and I end up sick too.) Other ideas? choosinghappy, if you moved to another state, did you have to establish residency before you could file for divorce?
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Post by choosinghappy on May 26, 2019 18:45:38 GMT -5
My two immediate thoughts are: 1. When H and I separate I plan to move one state over to the town where one of my sisters lives with her family. They will be able to help me in any case of emergency and it will just be nicer to be near them too and get together often. 2. Maybe I could look into a “night nurse” type situation - someone who’s on call if I need help (especially in the middle of the night or if tough times go on for days because kiddo is sick and I end up sick too.) Other ideas? choosinghappy, if you moved to another state, did you have to establish residency before you could file for divorce? I did not end up moving but I did consult with a lawyer in the state I was thinking of moving to. I found out that I would have had to be a resident for a full year before I could have filed for divorce. So if you’re thinking about anything like this be sure to talk with a lawyer first.
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Post by choosinghappy on May 26, 2019 18:49:39 GMT -5
And the struggles have already made me waiver! Even after JUST writing this earlier. Well, perhaps waiver is not the correct word but I *am* questioning if I can do this on my own after a very tough day and night with my kiddo, healthwise. It’s times like these that make me concerned that my son NEEDS two parents there. (He has special needs for those who may not know.) This has been my biggest concern with leaving my H: will things be ok for my son if he only has me? Sigh. I don’t know the right answer. Bad nights like these happen approximately 1-2 times a month depending on whether he’s healthy or sick. When he’s sick, I can end up going days without getting really any sleep at all, while caring for him. It’s those days that I NEED H there to help care for ME. I don’t know if I can do this on my own. With all of H’s work travel I’ve honestly gotten lucky that often these bad times fall on days when he is here and not on be other side of the country or world. But when I’m alone... whew, it’s rough. However, it makes me think of a quote: “on particularly hard days when I think I can’t endure, I remember that my track record for getting through bad days is 100%, and that’s pretty good.” God knows I’ve had more experience acting as a “single mom” than the average person who gets divorced. Hopefully this will help me. And during the bad days, I’ll endure. Leaving my H will make the bad days worse but the good days even better (for ME anyway, and in the long run, for my son too because he’ll have a happier, stronger, more balanced mother). Here’s hoping. choosinghappy, how are things going for you and your son now that you're separated from your ex? I remember you writing that you were concerned if you could do this on your own. Thanks for asking solodriver. Things are wonderful. I am SO much happier with my life now vs one year ago. I was right that being a single mom makes the hard days harder but the payoff is more than worth it - there are so many more happy days now. And during those times that I need help I’ve reached out to family and friends and they’ve been there for me.
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