Post by choosinghappy on May 29, 2018 10:23:01 GMT -5
I haven't felt really HURT due to my H's rejection for a long time now. Until yesterday.
Bear with me as I try to make sense of it.
Almost a year ago he told me he could not do touch (sexual or non-sexual) and I replied that I would stop initiating completely. I have. So beyond causing our relationship to become basically non-existent at this point due to zero intimacy OR affection, this has also caused me to completely lose all sexual desire for him or desire to try to work on our marriage. (I am planning on telling him in just about a month that I will be filing for divorce.)
Yesterday afternoon, H was in the master bedroom going through all his clothes, weeding out old ones, etc. and once I put our son down for a nap I went to shower in the attached master bath. While in there I thought about how, in a normal sexual relationship, it would be the perfect time to come join me since the kiddo was asleep and we had no plans the rest of the afternoon. I knew there was almost zero chance H would do this but I still found myself feeling vulnerable, hurrying up, and wishing I had locked the bathroom door JUST in case he did. I do not want to be faced with a sexual situation with him ever again. While finishing up I also found myself having some anxiety about actually leaving the bathroom naked to get dressed in the bedroom. He has not seen my body in a year. (And really only a handful of times in the previous three years.) I didn't want to be naked in front of him. I didn't want him to look at me because although others have and DO see me as a sexual, desirable woman (thanks to outsourcing), my H does not. I feel ugly in front of him. I feel judged by him. And I have no desire to feel that ever again. I knew he was still in the bedroom so I steeled myself to confront whatever possible situation I may be faced with: him looking at my face only and ignoring my naked body, him paying more attention to organizing and putting away the clothes than to me, him (possibly, very slim chance but possibly) laying on the bed naked with a hard-on waiting for me (hey, it's happened before)... I figured out how I would respond to any situation I could think of, gathered my courage, and stepped out into the bedroom.
He wasn't there. He was in the closet, kneeling on the floor facing away from me, pretending to organize clothes hangers. I say pretending because I watched him for a few moments. He was moving them around, making them all face the same direction, putting them back in the basket. Then he was taking them out of the basket, clunking them together so it would sound like he's doing something, keeping his back turned to me and pretending not to know I was there. It was mortifying. I got dressed. I was in there for approximately 2 minutes. There's no way he didn't hear me. But he stayed in that fucking closet, hiding from me and my sexuality, unable to face any part of my naked body, pretending to be doing something, ANYthing so I wouldn't approach him. I have NEVER felt more rejected in my life. It HURT.
I went downstairs feeling like I had been punched in the gut. And I cried. It's the first time I've cried in a WHILE. If there was any possible doubt in my mind that I'm not making the right choice by leaving him, this experience eliminated it. I have never felt so humiliated, so rejected, so worthless and undesirable. Rejected even by someone I didn't want.
I felt like telling him right then and there that this marriage is over. That I can't live like this anymore and that I will be divorcing him. But thankfully, tirefire was there to talk me down from the ledge, and remind me that the smartest move is to wait out the month and keep my exit plan in place as that will have a big impact on my financial future. He's right, of course. But this next month cannot pass fast enough. And in the meantime, any teeny slivers of emotional connection I still had left for my H is just gone. My wall is fully built up. I don't want to ever be hurt by him (or by anyone!) like that again. It's possible I'm now ready to be the "emotional robot" bballgirl talked about becoming when going through her divorce. I'm ready.
Bear with me as I try to make sense of it.
Almost a year ago he told me he could not do touch (sexual or non-sexual) and I replied that I would stop initiating completely. I have. So beyond causing our relationship to become basically non-existent at this point due to zero intimacy OR affection, this has also caused me to completely lose all sexual desire for him or desire to try to work on our marriage. (I am planning on telling him in just about a month that I will be filing for divorce.)
Yesterday afternoon, H was in the master bedroom going through all his clothes, weeding out old ones, etc. and once I put our son down for a nap I went to shower in the attached master bath. While in there I thought about how, in a normal sexual relationship, it would be the perfect time to come join me since the kiddo was asleep and we had no plans the rest of the afternoon. I knew there was almost zero chance H would do this but I still found myself feeling vulnerable, hurrying up, and wishing I had locked the bathroom door JUST in case he did. I do not want to be faced with a sexual situation with him ever again. While finishing up I also found myself having some anxiety about actually leaving the bathroom naked to get dressed in the bedroom. He has not seen my body in a year. (And really only a handful of times in the previous three years.) I didn't want to be naked in front of him. I didn't want him to look at me because although others have and DO see me as a sexual, desirable woman (thanks to outsourcing), my H does not. I feel ugly in front of him. I feel judged by him. And I have no desire to feel that ever again. I knew he was still in the bedroom so I steeled myself to confront whatever possible situation I may be faced with: him looking at my face only and ignoring my naked body, him paying more attention to organizing and putting away the clothes than to me, him (possibly, very slim chance but possibly) laying on the bed naked with a hard-on waiting for me (hey, it's happened before)... I figured out how I would respond to any situation I could think of, gathered my courage, and stepped out into the bedroom.
He wasn't there. He was in the closet, kneeling on the floor facing away from me, pretending to organize clothes hangers. I say pretending because I watched him for a few moments. He was moving them around, making them all face the same direction, putting them back in the basket. Then he was taking them out of the basket, clunking them together so it would sound like he's doing something, keeping his back turned to me and pretending not to know I was there. It was mortifying. I got dressed. I was in there for approximately 2 minutes. There's no way he didn't hear me. But he stayed in that fucking closet, hiding from me and my sexuality, unable to face any part of my naked body, pretending to be doing something, ANYthing so I wouldn't approach him. I have NEVER felt more rejected in my life. It HURT.
I went downstairs feeling like I had been punched in the gut. And I cried. It's the first time I've cried in a WHILE. If there was any possible doubt in my mind that I'm not making the right choice by leaving him, this experience eliminated it. I have never felt so humiliated, so rejected, so worthless and undesirable. Rejected even by someone I didn't want.
I felt like telling him right then and there that this marriage is over. That I can't live like this anymore and that I will be divorcing him. But thankfully, tirefire was there to talk me down from the ledge, and remind me that the smartest move is to wait out the month and keep my exit plan in place as that will have a big impact on my financial future. He's right, of course. But this next month cannot pass fast enough. And in the meantime, any teeny slivers of emotional connection I still had left for my H is just gone. My wall is fully built up. I don't want to ever be hurt by him (or by anyone!) like that again. It's possible I'm now ready to be the "emotional robot" bballgirl talked about becoming when going through her divorce. I'm ready.