Post by workingonit on May 22, 2018 8:42:55 GMT -5
It is actually great to "hear" your voices again. It makes me realize how much I have changed. When I first came here I was looking for hope, chasing whys, resistant to the truth bombs coming from everyone here.
Now, I have been through so much in the last few months and I have come to some intense realizations. It seems so obvious now! And exactly what you guys were telling me, what I resisted hearing: my h and I are not compatible!!! Huh!!!
There is a peacefulness that I feel as I accept this reality. There is no more anger, no more pushing, no more stressing out about how to fix it and who to blame, no more wondering if something is wrong with me. It is what it is. We really worked hard (both of us, honestly) and dug deep into our lives, our psyches and our relationship to talk open and honestly about how we got here. It was beautiful work, really. A testament to the commitment and caring we have had with each other. It helped me see my part in making the SM and own it. We are able to communicate better because of it and there is an ease and flow of laughter and sharing between us that there was not before the work.
The thing no amount of effort has fixed, in the immortal words of northstarmom is that we do not want to fuck each other.
So, with the knowledge that THIS IS IT, this is the relationship that I can have with this man, what will I do?
Well, life is never as simple as that, is it? We do not make decisions in a vacuum. Given the totality of my reality I am choosing to stay for now.
Yes, I know I am risking illness, death, etc by staying and not leaving now. Yes, I know in one respect I am "putting off living" for now. I am not an outsourcer so I am effectively putting off a sex life and the possibility of finding someone I am compatible with. However, that is still my choice FOR ME.
FOR ME I do not want to deal with the stress and hassle of divorce while I am trying to manage an acute crisis with my 14 year old son. I want to focus on him and helping him and being the best mom I can be. It is not so much that I think he will go down hill with a divorce, I do believe in the resilient nature of children. It is more that I don't WANT to have to divide my attention and put energy elsewhere.
FOR ME I want to work hard and try to get our finances in better shape. I am also opening my own bank account and will be working on putting away some savings. It would be ideal to get rid of some debt as well.
FOR ME I want to wait 4 years until my h is done with his PhD and is headed to wherever he can get a position as a professor, my youngest son is (hopefully) graduating high school, my older son is wrapping up his college years. It feels like a good and right time to transition our family into a new stage of being a family. Because whatever else happens, we will still be a family. I will be a co parent with this man until I die.
As the wise yoda of ILIASM ( baza ) recently shared, this choice to leave or stay has to stand on its own. To me, it does. I am staying- or leaving slowly, whatever.
I honestly feel really at peace with this knowledge. It did hurt at first to realize there is no hope. Now I just feel that this level of acceptance is a gift.
Now, I have been through so much in the last few months and I have come to some intense realizations. It seems so obvious now! And exactly what you guys were telling me, what I resisted hearing: my h and I are not compatible!!! Huh!!!
There is a peacefulness that I feel as I accept this reality. There is no more anger, no more pushing, no more stressing out about how to fix it and who to blame, no more wondering if something is wrong with me. It is what it is. We really worked hard (both of us, honestly) and dug deep into our lives, our psyches and our relationship to talk open and honestly about how we got here. It was beautiful work, really. A testament to the commitment and caring we have had with each other. It helped me see my part in making the SM and own it. We are able to communicate better because of it and there is an ease and flow of laughter and sharing between us that there was not before the work.
The thing no amount of effort has fixed, in the immortal words of northstarmom is that we do not want to fuck each other.
So, with the knowledge that THIS IS IT, this is the relationship that I can have with this man, what will I do?
Well, life is never as simple as that, is it? We do not make decisions in a vacuum. Given the totality of my reality I am choosing to stay for now.
Yes, I know I am risking illness, death, etc by staying and not leaving now. Yes, I know in one respect I am "putting off living" for now. I am not an outsourcer so I am effectively putting off a sex life and the possibility of finding someone I am compatible with. However, that is still my choice FOR ME.
FOR ME I do not want to deal with the stress and hassle of divorce while I am trying to manage an acute crisis with my 14 year old son. I want to focus on him and helping him and being the best mom I can be. It is not so much that I think he will go down hill with a divorce, I do believe in the resilient nature of children. It is more that I don't WANT to have to divide my attention and put energy elsewhere.
FOR ME I want to work hard and try to get our finances in better shape. I am also opening my own bank account and will be working on putting away some savings. It would be ideal to get rid of some debt as well.
FOR ME I want to wait 4 years until my h is done with his PhD and is headed to wherever he can get a position as a professor, my youngest son is (hopefully) graduating high school, my older son is wrapping up his college years. It feels like a good and right time to transition our family into a new stage of being a family. Because whatever else happens, we will still be a family. I will be a co parent with this man until I die.
As the wise yoda of ILIASM ( baza ) recently shared, this choice to leave or stay has to stand on its own. To me, it does. I am staying- or leaving slowly, whatever.
I honestly feel really at peace with this knowledge. It did hurt at first to realize there is no hope. Now I just feel that this level of acceptance is a gift.