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Post by choosinghappy on May 5, 2018 21:31:06 GMT -5
My H suggested working on getting healthier together. I am getting healthier on my own. That’s great that he wants to too. But I have no interest in being parters with him in that way: checking in with one another about it, cheering each other on, exercising together.
No. I have gradually been pulling away from him and focusing on my OWN life. I am not interested in starting something that will connect us more. That ship has sailed.
I told him that he and I have different ways of getting healthy and losing weight (which is true) so I’d rather we both focus on our own ways. I also said that I already struggle with feeling criticized by him (which is ALSO true) so I don’t need to put myself in a position to be open to receiving feedback like that from him. I think he was a bit shocked. The sugarcoating is over. (Excuse the pun.)
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Post by solodriver on May 5, 2018 22:14:00 GMT -5
I understand exactly you feel. I feel the same way about my roommate.
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Post by hopingforachange on May 5, 2018 22:43:41 GMT -5
I totally understand, I'm getting healthier for me and don't care what the wife is doing.
The other day she saw my arms. Initially she complimented me but then said something about her being worried that I'm getting better in preparation to leave her. It took me a little bit to respond to that question. I couldn't get out even a white lie.
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Post by baza on May 5, 2018 22:59:08 GMT -5
One of the BIG things that emerge in the process is the fact that there is no longer (if there ever was) an "us" in play. There's just you, and there's him. And each has different - and incompatible - ideas about the relationship and its' future direction. What you do from here on in is your choice Sister choosinghappy . What he does from here on in is his choice. Apart from co-parenting and dealing with the joint assets, you are separate identities. He wants to exercise ? Good on him. Good choice. But nothing to do with you. You are already exercising ? Terrific. Good choice. But nothing to do with him. That is going to apply to a lot of things as this plays out to its' end. Your best longer term best interests are not necessarily the same as his. There's no "us".
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Post by greatcoastal on May 6, 2018 14:44:44 GMT -5
I'll play devils advocate for a moment, (then I'll probably correct myself!) Is it possible that your H is wanting to connect to you much more, but his way? is he even aware that you are pulling away? The silent treatment, busy with kids, other plans, too tired,these can all be things that a manipulator has done to us ,as we coast along unaware. In his eyes he went above and beyond to reach out and was rejected. ( my ex would 'reach out' to me by allowing me just enough, independence. a few choices around the house- furniture, food, my hobbies, an occasional tv show, home repairs- but the most obvious was including me along with so, so many of our "family trips". They where family alright! All kid oriented, leaving little room for "us" as a couple.
I remember my W's little sentence during therapy," I detached myself from you over two years ago". My response was " really? you've been so distant, and so much ,has been your way only, for so long I hardly noticed".(some of that blame has to come back on me, no matter how strongly I was manipulated)
Could your spouse have the same reaction? he may see it that way?
Now to correct myself. A controller can see no wrong in doing things their way only, and will manipulate, control, trick , deceive, a codependent like myself who was immersed in the FOG.
Your "getting healthier" together started a long time ago. Including all his counselling and you being left in the dark. A one way street paved with double standards.
Continue to follow your own path but their comes times to make it abundantly clear that these choices you are making have long term affects and he is very responsible for shouldering the blame. (he won't accept that), but you did more than your share by being honest and true about it. This gives you a clean slate for moving forward with your child.
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Post by choosinghappy on May 6, 2018 20:27:06 GMT -5
I'll play devils advocate for a moment, (then I'll probably correct myself!) Is it possible that your H is wanting to connect to you much more, but his way? is he even aware that you are pulling away? The silent treatment, busy with kids, other plans, too tired,these can all be things that a manipulator has done to us ,as we coast along unaware. In his eyes he went above and beyond to reach out and was rejected. ( my ex would 'reach out' to me by allowing me just enough, independence. a few choices around the house- furniture, food, my hobbies, an occasional tv show, home repairs- but the most obvious was including me along with so, so many of our "family trips". They where family alright! All kid oriented, leaving little room for "us" as a couple. I remember my W's little sentence during therapy," I detached myself from you over two years ago". My response was " really? you've been so distant, and so much ,has been your way only, for so long I hardly noticed".(some of that blame has to come back on me, no matter how strongly I was manipulated) Could your spouse have the same reaction? he may see it that way? Now to correct myself. A controller can see no wrong in doing things their way only, and will manipulate, control, trick , deceive, a codependent like myself who was immersed in the FOG. Your "getting healthier" together started a long time ago. Including all his counselling and you being left in the dark. A one way street paved with double standards. Continue to follow your own path but their comes times to make it abundantly clear that these choices you are making have long term affects and he is very responsible for shouldering the blame. (he won't accept that), but you did more than your share by being honest and true about it. This gives you a clean slate for moving forward with your child. greatcoastal I have a hard time relating to what you wrote because I do not think my H is a manipulator or a controller. We also are not codependent - in ways we are the reverse: We have ALWAYS done things on our own - things that many couples do together like shopping, food shopping, going to the movies... I have always done all of these things on my own. My sister actually recently told me that she and my brother in law have always found that very strange and I can't disagree now that I'm viewing our relationship from a different perspective. In ways we are more similar to what baza conferred: perhaps there never really HAS been an "us". I would say that since my H is so focused on his work it would be possible that he hasn't even noticed the change in me and how I relate to him. But he has made recent comments about wanting to sleep in the same bed again (to which I said "No because I already went through years of feeling rejected by him every single night and I didn't need that disappointment any longer), and he's been making more of a point to come to me to give me those damn pecks on the lips because I no longer attempt to kiss him. Eventually I will make it clear about long term effects and responsibility etc but I suspect that will be one conversation only; the convo when I tell him I'm filing for divorce.
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Post by greatcoastal on May 6, 2018 21:27:16 GMT -5
greatcoastal I have a hard time relating to what you wrote because I do not think my H is a manipulator or a controller. We also are not codependent - in ways we are the reverse: We have ALWAYS done things on our own - things that many couples do together like shopping, food shopping, going to the movies... I have always done all of these things on my own. My sister actually recently told me that she and my brother in law have always found that very strange and I can't disagree now that I'm viewing our relationship from a different perspective. In ways we are more similar to what baza conferred: perhaps there never really HAS been an "us". So how did it get that way? "we do things on our own-many things that couples do together". As you move forward what would you want your next relationship to be like? Will it be doing things together? Who initiated all this "independence"? (some would label it as controlling, or isolating) Will you be looking back and learning to not let that happen again? Will some of the blame be yours? (All things I have had to ask myself and continue to do) Do you find it helpful to see other healthy relationships? ( I do ,and it sounds like you do too) I heard this analogy once: You can say " it's not a donkey". you can say three times "it's not a donkey" But after a hundred people tell you, " it's a donkey". After a while you have to realize- "it's a donkey".
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Post by choosinghappy on May 6, 2018 21:35:42 GMT -5
Thanks greatcoastal. I definitely see your point. It got that way due to both of our needs for independence. But if I'm being honest it was more his choice than mine. He never wanted to do anything together so eventually I stopped asking and that became our "normal". Moving forward, I don't want this for my next relationship. I don't think we need to be attached at the hip, but it sure would be nice to be with someone who seemed to actually want to spend time with me, even if it's just to grab groceries together. Yes, I have learned not to let it happen again. And yes, I recognize that some of the blame is mine in this.
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Post by northstarmom on May 7, 2018 5:37:55 GMT -5
“The other day she saw my arms. Initially she complimented me but then said something about her being worried that I'm getting better in preparation to leave her. It took me a little bit to respond to that question. I couldn't get out even a white lie.”
You didn’t have to respond or lie. You could have said nothing or could have given a neutral reply like, “Oh.”
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Post by jim44444 on May 7, 2018 9:56:16 GMT -5
Love the pun and his criticism is something you definitely don’t need. Do your thing! And stay away from those overzealous personal trainers that break your back the first week and snuff any motivation you had to work out in the first place. Everyone has a different need in their trainer. I prefer the overzealous to keep me focused. A trainer who is not dominant will not provide the regimen I need. I will override them and impose my views (the lazy ones) upon the training goals.
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Post by Deleted on May 7, 2018 12:20:39 GMT -5
Hope and the rose colored glasses that come with it can keep you from seeing many things. In hindsight, I know that I saw what I wanted to see and felt what I wanted to feel. Forgive yourself for it because we can all only see the world through our own eyes, even the most empathetic person can’t fully understand someone else. The key is that once you adjust your perspective to realize that you have a choice. You’re making your choices with clear glasses on now and that’s a positive thing.
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