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Post by idgaf96 on Apr 30, 2018 12:54:12 GMT -5
Last week on thursday I told my husband that we need to talk about our relationship. He blew it off and I took off for a planned trip with the kids for a couple days. We came home and later that evening I reminded him that we needed to talk. He agreed and we went for a drive. I didn't want the kids to be around as I didn't know what would take place. I told him j didn't want to be with him anymore. He agreed that the marriage was over however he said he didn't want to leave. I told him I was seeing other people. He said he didnt care and to do whatever i needed. I said it would be wrong to keep up the ake show to the kids and stay in the same house. He said he didn't care he wasn't leaving. More was said but that's the gist of it. I left and stayed the night away. Came home later the next day and he is pretending everything is fine. Even going over the top and using pet names and tried to be intimate. I'm not really sure how to handle it. I told him no. I slept on the couch last night. I'm not really sure what to do. I'm looking into other housing options for me and the kids but I don't want to give up my home either. Ugggh. I think he just wants to keep up the fake relationship and not move on. I don't know what to do but I want him out. I want to be happy and not with him.
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Post by northstarmom on Apr 30, 2018 13:50:31 GMT -5
You need to talk to a lawyer. Often the first visit is free. Your lawyer can tell you how a divorce would shake out and how to proceed. Do not talk about the divorce again with your husband until after you have gotten legal advice.
This should have been done before you told your husband, in the US, your spouse can’t prevent your divorcing them.
In some places moving out without some legal paoerwork’s Being done is considered abandonment and would hurt you in the settlement or divorce.
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Post by jim44444 on Apr 30, 2018 14:08:46 GMT -5
I agree with northstarmom, get a lawyer now. Play nice and fake it if you must until you have a lawyer onboard. It is possible that he is faking being nice until his lawyer is ready to pounce. He could be hiding assets and/or running up debt. Get your legal process moving. His "I ain't leaving" indicated that he is not going to make this easy.
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Post by GeekGoddess on Apr 30, 2018 14:13:19 GMT -5
If you have any separate room, I’d move into it. If not, and the couch is ok, that may work (for only a little while tho - I couldn’t do it).
Do see a lawyer. See what the lawyer says first. I wouldn’t tell H about the lawyer visit. Take any financial info with you (value of house, how much is still owed on it, amount in savings, checking, stocks, bonds, retirement accounts, proof of incomes).
See what options you have. Meantime turn every refuser tactic he ever taught you back in his direction: avoidance, the pillow wall between you in bed, sleeping on the the first three inches of mattress edge to avoid any touching).
I was very grateful to have a guest room to move into. My H was very understanding (supportive, nearly) and when we had the talk, he dropped his denial and fantasy. Yours seems to have strengthened his! What strange behavior. I’m sorry you have to deal with it: on the one hand, admitting the truth, but back home playing like Ward Cleaver. How very odd.
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Post by idgaf96 on Apr 30, 2018 14:20:18 GMT -5
He works nights and is only home 2 nights a week so I'm ok gone or on the couch for 2 nights a week. Will do on consulting an attorney
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Post by choosinghappy on Apr 30, 2018 14:28:22 GMT -5
Wtf? Good luck IDGAF. I hope you'll be able to move through this phase soon and that a lawyer will help you with that. Congrats on being ready to move ahead.
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Post by greatcoastal on Apr 30, 2018 15:50:57 GMT -5
Actions, no more words, that's what you are going to need now. He refuses to face reality, and why should he, look how far it got him?
Once the first letters and subpoenas start arriving then reality will set in. Start with your attorney ,finances, and support network. (document everything)
Stay strong friend,you've got this.
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Post by baza on May 1, 2018 2:32:28 GMT -5
I hope this goes as well as you can reasonably expect Sister idgaf96 . Like a lot of posts, the underlying value can be in what others can learn from it. Here, it is highly advisable to get your legal advice and exit strategy and support network all figured out BEFORE you say a word about divorce. Reason being, you might have some great idea of *ordering* your spouse out of the house. Legally, you might not be able to do that. OTOH, you might have the idea to vacate the house yourself, but find you would be regarded as having abandoned the marriage which might go against you later on. It's best to check all this shit out before you commit to action. If you get it wrong, you can put yourself backward by quite a bit, and this stuff is hard enough to do as it is, let alone inadvertently making it more complicated by a lack of preparation.
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Post by WindSister on May 2, 2018 13:12:12 GMT -5
No advise, just wishing you the best as you move through this process!!
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Post by theexplorer on May 3, 2018 14:24:59 GMT -5
First off, I would definitely suggest speaking with a lawyer immediately. You need to learn about your options in order to make an informed decision. After mentioning divorce to your husband, who knows what might be doing behind your back. A visit to the lawyer is important! I attempt to look at major decisions from every possible viewpoint. I like to consider options that may not seem workable or practical at first glance. So lets do a thought exercise: Depending on your situation, staying with him and outsourcing is an option you MAY want to consider. In some situations, this can work out reasonably well. You have his approval to outsource. Since he is gone 5 days out of 7 you do NOT have to spend to much time with him. Perhaps you can find things to do so you will not be around him when he is home. (Let him keep the kids and you take care of the outsourcing! Find a job that requires you to work while he is home.) Staying with him may be better financially, socially, etc. It also means he can help with the children and it may disrupt their lives less. Living with one guy and having another as a lover has been done before. I would not tell the kids or your husband about the other guy. Spend time with the other guy while they are not around. There was a recent discussion that was somewhat similar to this subject: iliasm.org/thread/4387/bballgirl-option Good luck with whatever you decide!
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Post by elynne on May 13, 2018 6:17:06 GMT -5
You’ve already gotten all the advice you need. Just wanted to reach out and say, I’m sorry. Your stbx is ignoring and denying your experience yet again by pretending everything is ok.
That sucks. But so does a crappy marriage. Life can be better than this and good for you for taking action. Rock on. I’m still getting my shit (read: life plan) together and planning my future. I’ll be routing for you and cheering you on every step of the way.
You’ve got this.
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Post by tirefire on May 13, 2018 8:38:02 GMT -5
Last week on thursday I told my husband that we need to talk about our relationship. He blew it off and I took off for a planned trip with the kids for a couple days. We came home and later that evening I reminded him that we needed to talk. He agreed and we went for a drive. I didn't want the kids to be around as I didn't know what would take place. I told him j didn't want to be with him anymore. He agreed that the marriage was over however he said he didn't want to leave. I told him I was seeing other people. He said he didnt care and to do whatever i needed. I said it would be wrong to keep up the ake show to the kids and stay in the same house. He said he didn't care he wasn't leaving. More was said but that's the gist of it. I left and stayed the night away. Came home later the next day and he is pretending everything is fine. Even going over the top and using pet names and tried to be intimate. I'm not really sure how to handle it. I told him no. I slept on the couch last night. I'm not really sure what to do. I'm looking into other housing options for me and the kids but I don't want to give up my home either. Ugggh. I think he just wants to keep up the fake relationship and not move on. I don't know what to do but I want him out. I want to be happy and not with him. I can relate to so much of your situation. I think I might go with the car ride idea myself. Trouble nailing down a time to talk. Anyway, hang in there. I understand where you are.
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