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Post by MarianCali on Apr 20, 2018 12:08:17 GMT -5
As part of working on myself I need to learn how to let go of resentment for my H. No matter what happens with us we will always be in each others lives because of our children. At this time I am so annoyed by him that he can ask me a plain question and I just snap. Like last night I was watching him sleep as he was snoring and shaking and it annoyed me to no end. He has even noticed it as well over the past couple months that I'm constantly short with him. Sometimes were watching tv and he breathes too loud and I just want to leave the room. Has anyone been able to just let it go? I realize this is horrible for our children to witness as I'm coming off as this big bitch which by my actions I am acting like one. I feel bad after and apologize but my actions have already done the damage. Any advice, books, articles, blogs that have helped you?
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Post by shamwow on Apr 20, 2018 12:17:15 GMT -5
Anger is what happens quickly. For the most part it is a biological reaction to a fear or danger.
Resentment is what happens when that anger fossilizes and permanently lives in your heart. It is much harder to let go.
In my AA program I had to create a list of things I was resentful at. My ex had over a page dedicated just to her. It was a train wreck. In each of these resentments I also found where I shared some of the blame.
Meditation helps me a lot. Just slowing the fucking hamster wheel down in my head goes a long way towards melting away those resentment.
Because make no mistake, each resentment is like a layer of snow on a mountain. As they keep building an avalanche will occur. You don't know how or when but it will. And avelanches are kind of hard on the people living in the valley below.
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Post by northstarmom on Apr 20, 2018 12:24:15 GMT -5
“Has anyone been able to just let it go? “
I can relate. I’d see my h lying on the couch watching tv and I’d think he looked like a pregnant whale. I’d hear him whistling as he approached the front door and I’d roll my eyes. His very presence bothered me including his actions that I formerly found endearing.
All were signals that it was time for me to move on with my life and divorce him.
We divorced 5 years ago. He moved 9,000 miles away. Last month, I saw him for the first time in 5 years. We were at an event that one of our adult sons is involved with. My ex and I have each other warm his, the type you give when you see an old friend for the first time in a long time. We comfortably sat by each other and chatted about our son’s accomplishment. I felt no resentment. There was no reason for it. I’m no longer chained to him in a marriage that was irreparably broken.
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Post by bballgirl on Apr 20, 2018 12:42:03 GMT -5
I've been there and the resentment is not healthy for you. It's tied to emotions like anger. Emotions change and come and go. Sometimes I might be angry or frustrated about something but I realize it's an emotion and emotions come and go. I think for a lot of us, we have resentment over years lost over the wrong person but you can not go back in time or change history. A big part of me being over the resentment is I'm not married to him anymore and I'm happy with my lover. Maybe I took the lemons and made lemonade.
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Post by DryCreek on Apr 20, 2018 13:39:46 GMT -5
MarianCali, I have a lot of resentment, and it's hard for that to not translate into bitterness as you describe. I find that it can be managed, but not eliminated. For me, the key is trying to accept (and being at peace with) the idea that I'm making a trade; a conscious choice, in exchange for other facets of life that are great. It's like deciding that the expensive home you've always desired is worth the sacrifices, instead of living modestly and enjoying vacations abroad. In truth, we want "and", not "or". But accepting it is neither easy nor 100% effective. Especially when we see someone else who has the thing we don't. They may even be fortunate that it doesn't come at great sacrifice (or so it seems), which makes our own situation seem doubly unfair. The resentment still rears its head from time to time as wistfulness, sadness, and bitterness; it's easier to keep in check by reminding myself that I'm making a conscious choice. For others who are more trapped, I doubt this would be so manageable. I'm blessed in many areas of my life to "have my cake and eat it too". Passionate love / eros / amor is sadly not one of them, and the counterbalance to "fix" that is too great for me.
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Post by baza on Apr 20, 2018 18:33:48 GMT -5
Brother DryCreek makes a key point. It is you Sister MarianCali who is choosing - by your own free will - to remain in this sub-optimal situation. If you can accept that fact, take ownership of that fact, and abandon any victim thinking you might be indulging in, then you view the problem from a different perspective. You might then view this situation as a resolvable problem, which it is. And that, provides you with a bit of wriggle room. You *could* choose a different course of action. You *could* leave. You don't have to cop this bullshit. Removing yourself from the environment is a perfectly legitimate choice. As is staying in the environment. But if you accept that you are staying by your own choice then the pressure comes off a bit, because if you accept that you are choosing to stay, then you also accept that you *could* choose otherwise. In regard to your resentment levels, you'll need to own that too. Your spouses behaviour may well have caused your resentment levels, but it is your job to manage your resentment levels. No-one else will. Physical activity used to help me. (a) it got me away from the cause of my resentment for short periods (b) it worked off a fair bit of steam (c) it resulted in exhaustion so I could then sleep.
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