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Post by MarianCali on Apr 11, 2018 12:51:31 GMT -5
Since I’ve last posted I’m still a mess! Sorry for the long story and rambling but I’m at a loss.
I’ve talked to my husband and said I’m not sure if I want to continue in the marriage. I wanted to know what he wanted and how he was going to go about doing it. I gave him over a week to think about it. He doesn’t want me to leave and he didn’t have any idea about how logistically he would want anything to work regarding custody and living situation. I again suggested to open up the marriage and he of course didn’t like the idea but when I brought it up a week later, I had said I need sex. He said if he didn’t see or hear anything about it, which was already a given to me. He never said Yes but I took his answer as a yes.
I’m still constantly thinking about my forbidden lover and tried to reach out to him to no avail. Which is probably a good thing as continuing anything with him would only be good physically but would hurt everyone involved if we were to be found out. So I had to find someone else to help me get over my husband and the other guy. I went on CL and tried to meet a few people who were in the same situation and it didn’t go well at all. It felt so awkward and wrong. I’ve never done the online thing as I’ve been with my husband for so long it didn’t exist really when I was single. The problem is I can’t stop thinking about the other guy. It was so passionate and one of the best sexual experiences I’ve EVER had. It has me all twisted in the head thinking about how morally wrong it is that I’m obsessing over this other guy while I’m married and not only that but of who it is. I need help!
In the meantime I’ve tried to find a therapist and it is so difficult. I tried last year and called over 20 different therapist and they were either not taking new patients or not taking my insurance. So I’ve started again this week by calling 3 yesterday. I haven’t heard back but I guess I’ll keep trying. In the meantime I feel like a horny high school boy who is constantly looking to score. Lol!
The plan I have so far is to work on myself. Try to find myself again and change all the negativity I have around me. I’m going out with my friends more and meeting new people. I want to take up a hobby or class. Then work on my finances so I’m financially prepared to be on my own. Hopefully in 1-2 years I’ll be in a good place where I can be more sure of what to do. I can’t imagine staying in this relationship 10 years and have nothing change. Nor do I see an open relationship working in the long run but I’m not sure what else I could be doing. I’m just not 100% sure that a divorce is the answer as of yet. There are still some good times we have but the lack of physical contact and everything that comes with it may be clouding my judgement.
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Post by northstarmom on Apr 11, 2018 14:31:49 GMT -5
I’d bet money is the reason your husband wants to stay married Is he fears the costs of alimony and child support. An open marriage does not sound like what you really want. You want to be in a relationship with someone who truly loves you and acts like he loves you, not like you are an afterthought. An open marriage may provide sex but that doesn’t make up for an empty marriage. It would be wise to seek council from a lawyer. Often the first visit is free. It may not be to your advantage to get a job now. That could affect your alimony. Also check and find out about online therapists. There may be some that you can afford.
Lack of sex and physical affection is not a minor issue if you are willing and your partner isn’t. Sex binds couples and for most is what they do only with each other. If it’s not hsppening you might as well be living with your brother or a good friend or roommate.
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Post by rejected101 on Apr 11, 2018 17:20:06 GMT -5
I’d bet money is the reason your husband wants to stay married Is he fears the costs of alimony and child support. An open marriage does not sound like what you really want. You want to be in a relationship with someone who truly loves you and acts like he loves you, not like you are an afterthought. An open marriage may provide sex but that doesn’t make up for an empty marriage. It would be wise to seek council from a lawyer. Often the first visit is free. It may not be to your advantage to get a job now. That could affect your alimony. Also check and find out about online therapists. There may be some that you can afford. Lack of sex and physical affection is not a minor issue if you are willing and your partner isn’t. Sex binds couples and for most is what they do only with each other. If it’s not hsppening you might as well be living with your brother or a good friend or roommate. This sums things up very well. We (the people pursuing sex or more sex) are often branded as the ones who ‘have a problem’ or whom are ‘selfish’ or ‘sex obsessed’. But here is the deal, without sex, what is unique about the relationship between you and your spouse? How is it different to the relationship you can have with anyone?
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Post by baza on Apr 11, 2018 19:02:08 GMT -5
Same suggestion as last time Sister MarianCali - Start checking out that leave option, in depth. See a lawyer in your jurisdiction to establish how a divorce would shake out for you - theoretically. Within the legal limits of that, start putting a theoretical exit strategy together. Shore up your support network. Research everything you can about theoretically helping your kids transition through such an event. With this information, you will be in a position of being able to make a fully informed choice about your way forward.
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Post by ironhamster on Apr 11, 2018 19:23:00 GMT -5
It is ok if you are not seeing divorce as the answer, yet. Keep in mind that, unless sex is something you both like to do together, an open marriage is only a precursor to divorce. There are a lot of open marriage formats, and what works for @andie or what works for tiredoftears may not work for you. Ten years is a long test drive to see if anything changes. If you know what the problem is, you can determine a course of action that will either prove to you that it can get better, or it can't. Reset sex should not count in that. He should have a real desire for you, and want to love you the way you need to be loved, and that should not fade once the crisis is averted. I think you can figure out how that is going to shake out in a whole lot less than ten years.
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Post by Apocrypha on Apr 12, 2018 13:31:53 GMT -5
In talking about the open marriage in this context, you have made several completely understandable rookie mistakes.
1. You have taken on the burden of secrecy without knowing the consequence of failure, while also telegraphing your intention - so his vigilance will increase. He will actively look to see what you are up to. If he finds something, then you will have failed to keep your side of the deal, and he will have moral cause to invoke a consequence. That consequence will likely be the same as if you actually had an affair. An open marriage in the sense that most people think of it is not an affair; it's a relationship in which there is TRANSPARENCY around the fact that you take other lovers.
2. You have assumed that he won't participate by taking his own lover. Don't. A "don't ask don't tell" implies his own preference - and he is likely already doing that on his own, or considering it. You'd do well to think of how you feel about that. You both will need to discuss norms for sexual health and possibly pregnancy. If you find that he is doing that, you will not have a moral high ground sufficiently different from which to object. You have an open marriage after all.
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Post by shamwow on Apr 12, 2018 13:38:10 GMT -5
In talking about the open marriage in this context, you have made several completely understandable rookie mistakes. 1. You have taken on the burden of secrecy without knowing the consequence of failure, while also telegraphing your intention - so his vigilance will increase. He will actively look to see what you are up to. If he finds something, then you will have failed to keep your side of the deal, and he will have moral cause to invoke a consequence. That consequence will likely be the same as if you actually had an affair. An open marriage in the sense that most people think of it is not an affair; it's a relationship in which there is TRANSPARENCY around the fact that you take other lovers. 2. You have assumed that he won't participate by taking his own lover. Don't. A "don't ask don't tell" implies his own preference - and he is likely already doing that on his own, or considering it. You'd do well to think of how you feel about that. You both will need to discuss norms for sexual health and possibly pregnancy. If you find that he is doing that, you will not have a moral high ground sufficiently different from which to object. You have an open marriage after all. I would also add that you didn't hear him say "yes" but took what he said to mean yes. We all make assumptions in life but this is one I'd want spelled out clearly in black and white. It is probably pretty chilly sitting there with your ass in the wind...
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Post by MarianCali on Apr 12, 2018 15:03:10 GMT -5
It is ok if you are not seeing divorce as the answer, yet. Keep in mind that, unless sex is something you both like to do together, an open marriage is only a precursor to divorce. There are a lot of open marriage formats, and what works for @andie or what works for tiredoftears may not work for you. Ten years is a long test drive to see if anything changes. If you know what the problem is, you can determine a course of action that will either prove to you that it can get better, or it can't. Reset sex should not count in that. He should have a real desire for you, and want to love you the way you need to be loved, and that should not fade once the crisis is averted. I think you can figure out how that is going to shake out in a whole lot less than ten years. Yet, being the key word. I'm not ready to let go yet but I'm not giving it another 10 years. I'm thinking 1-2 years and my head should be clearer to make a decision either way. I just need to make sure I've exhausted everything before I call it quits.
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Post by MarianCali on Apr 12, 2018 15:16:39 GMT -5
In talking about the open marriage in this context, you have made several completely understandable rookie mistakes. 1. You have taken on the burden of secrecy without knowing the consequence of failure, while also telegraphing your intention - so his vigilance will increase. He will actively look to see what you are up to. If he finds something, then you will have failed to keep your side of the deal, and he will have moral cause to invoke a consequence. That consequence will likely be the same as if you actually had an affair. An open marriage in the sense that most people think of it is not an affair; it's a relationship in which there is TRANSPARENCY around the fact that you take other lovers. 2. You have assumed that he won't participate by taking his own lover. Don't. A "don't ask don't tell" implies his own preference - and he is likely already doing that on his own, or considering it. You'd do well to think of how you feel about that. You both will need to discuss norms for sexual health and possibly pregnancy. If you find that he is doing that, you will not have a moral high ground sufficiently different from which to object. You have an open marriage after all. Maybe open marriage wasn't the right wording. I plain and simply told him I need sex and going to get it. If he's not willing to do anything about it then what? It's not the first time I've told him this and I think he knows this time I'm for real as I've been going out more and talking about it with him more frequently. He has agreed to not let our kids know any of this, as it is not their business at all. I know he probably doesn't like that idea much but he also understands. He knows I've been unfaithful in the past and understood the reasoning why (which is the same as now) but the difference from then to now is our relationship is in jeopardy. If we can't save it then it will be over. Before it was just an one time incident (that he knows of). If he were to have an affair or anything outside of our marriage now. I would be fine with it but I would ask the same and ask for discretion. I'm already thinking our marriage is over we just can't really let go yet for many reasons. I think we both love each other but it just isn't enough anymore. I'm still searching for marital and individual therapist but its tough here but I'm not giving up yet.
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Post by ironhamster on Apr 12, 2018 16:35:19 GMT -5
"Open marriage" would work just fine as a term to describe it. They come in many flavors.
I have one friend that is polyamorous, and has several extramarital partners, because she cannot find one person that meets all her wants. Her husband also has sex outside the marriage, but I think this is more of a getting even thing. I see it as a bad model to follow for a long term solution.
I know another couple that openly "play" with others, but they have strict limits on what they will do with their other partners. They do this together, enjoy their separate play time, and their time together. I see this as a workable long term relationship.
There are some that have "don't ask don't tell" policies. That will get them by for a while.
One woman that used to grace this forum arranged with her husband one night a week that she could have her boyfriend sleep over. That helped for a while but eventually they did declare the marriage dead.
Some couples swing together, and swinging couples tend to not play with couples with marriage difficulties. They'd rather play with couples that also have strong relationships but also enjoy sex.
Then, there is the cuckold thing, where a guy will get excited about the pleasure his wife gets by being fucked by another man, and, the reverse of that, the cuckquean. Odd, but, workable, if everyone is getting their needs met.
There are plenty of other models. As I see it, seeking sex outside marriage without the cooperation and enthusiasm of the spouse is a recipe for divorce, which is not a bad thing. It is an honest thing, since the relationship is not meeting one partner's needs.
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Post by shamwow on Apr 12, 2018 16:40:00 GMT -5
It is ok if you are not seeing divorce as the answer, yet. Keep in mind that, unless sex is something you both like to do together, an open marriage is only a precursor to divorce. There are a lot of open marriage formats, and what works for @andie or what works for tiredoftears may not work for you. Ten years is a long test drive to see if anything changes. If you know what the problem is, you can determine a course of action that will either prove to you that it can get better, or it can't. Reset sex should not count in that. He should have a real desire for you, and want to love you the way you need to be loved, and that should not fade once the crisis is averted. I think you can figure out how that is going to shake out in a whole lot less than ten years. Yet, being the key word. I'm not ready to let go yet but I'm not giving it another 10 years. I'm thinking 1-2 years and my head should be clearer to make a decision either way. I just need to make sure I've exhausted everything before I call it quits. What do you expect to change in the next 1-2 years? Alternatively, what information do you expect to learn over the next 1-2 years?
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Post by baza on Apr 12, 2018 23:29:46 GMT -5
Just a comment on this Sister MarianCali - "I just need to make sure I've exhausted everything before I call it quits" You never achieve that *everything* as there is always one more thing to try. Potentially if you are going to chase that through, you'll not only use up the next 10 years, you'll use up either your (or his) allotted life span. The term - "run the clock on it" comes up a fair bit in this group, and it is a pretty sound principle. It requires YOU to mandate when the circus is to end and on what basis it is to end. It is a self imposed deadline you set yourself to hold yourself accountable. Setting that deadline is the thing. A former member here @vegas , argued that if 90 days was not enough time to fix a situation then it was not fixable at all...on ANY timeframe. And there is a huge body of evidence in this group that supports his position. 90 days ? 10 years ? Given the intractable nature of ILIASM shitholes, if you plump for 90 days, you'll save yourself 9.75 years.
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Post by tiredoftears on Apr 13, 2018 2:31:35 GMT -5
Just a comment on this Sister MarianCali - "I just need to make sure I've exhausted everything before I call it quits" You never achieve that *everything* as there is always one more thing to try. Potentially if you are going to chase that through, you'll not only use up the next 10 years, you'll use up either your (or his) allotted life span. The term - "run the clock on it" comes up a fair bit in this group, and it is a pretty sound principle. It requires YOU to mandate when the circus is to end and on what basis it is to end. It is a self imposed deadline you set yourself to hold yourself accountable. Setting that deadline is the thing. A former member here @vegas , argued that if 90 days was not enough time to fix a situation then it was not fixable at all...on ANY timeframe. And there is a huge body of evidence in this group that supports his position. 90 days ? 10 years ? Given the intractable nature of ILIASM shitholes, if you plump for 90 days, you'll save yourself 9.75 years. The 90 days reminded me of my dating rule growing up. I refused to be in a relationship for more than three months if there was a problem I saw as something that would continue to come up from a partner. In other words, if I was making compromises in the relationship and they weren't, it was over on the three month mark, and compromises have always been easy for me to make myself, but others rarely would. Even at the age of 14, I had this rule, and stuck by it. I agree, 90 days of saying something is a problem for it not to be resolved means it never will. Loving getting to play on the side though! Honesty was my best policy!
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Post by MarianCali on Apr 13, 2018 13:17:22 GMT -5
Yet, being the key word. I'm not ready to let go yet but I'm not giving it another 10 years. I'm thinking 1-2 years and my head should be clearer to make a decision either way. I just need to make sure I've exhausted everything before I call it quits. What do you expect to change in the next 1-2 years? Alternatively, what information do you expect to learn over the next 1-2 years? That is a good question. I would like to change myself. As stated in various post here that SM is not only about the sex or lack of but there are/were other issues. I'd like to work on the issues with myself and be happy with myself. If he decides he would like to join me and change then we may overcome this SM (seemingly doubtful) if not I hope to leave our relationship on a positive note. I also need to be financially prepared as it will be a huge change to be on my own. I need to prepare for as much as I can with whatever decisions are made emotional and financially. I also want to make sure this is the right decision for me. I think my judgement right now isn't clear or maybe it is but its something that I need time to deal with.
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Post by baza on Apr 13, 2018 19:08:26 GMT -5
OK Sister MarianCali . Has being in your ILIASM shithole enhanced your wish to change yourself so far ? Has being in your ILIASM shithole enhanced your sex life so far ? Has being in your ILIASM shithole enhanced those 'other issues' your refer to so far ? Has being in your ILIASM shithole enhanced your happiness with yourself so far ? Has being in your ILIASM shithole enhanced your financial position so far ? Has being in your ILIASM shithole enhanced your emotional well being so far ? Has being in your ILIASM shithole enhanced your judgement, choice making skills so far ? Now if the answers to the above are mostly "yes", then remaining in the ILIASM shithole would make a lot of sense. If however the answers to the above are mostly "no" then remaining in the ILIASM shithole environment would make no sense.
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