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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Apr 8, 2018 9:04:49 GMT -5
Probably too late for many of us here, but FWIW... www.npr.org/2018/04/08/600255711/no-one-meant-to-be-in-my-office-a-divorce-lawyers-tips-on-staying-together"I just tell people that they should just try to see the best version of themselves in whatever choice they make. It's really hard to stay together, and it's really hard to split up. And what I really try to tell people in the book, and certainly in the conclusion to the book, is whatever path you choose, try to remember that marriage was appealing to you and to your spouse because you both had a very human need for connection and for love, and for someone who was cheering for you in a world that feels very antagonistic sometimes. And my advice to everyone is, stay out of my office if you can, but if you need to come to my office, I hope I see the most compassionate, thoughtful version of you, I hope I see a version of you that focuses on your kids, and that focuses on ending your relationship with dignity."
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Post by bballgirl on Apr 8, 2018 9:54:52 GMT -5
Thanks for sharing that article. It resonates with me on a lot of different levels. As far as the divorce we did focus on the kids, we were fair to each other, the divorce was amicable, and the marriage ended with dignity.
The divorce was needed and it helped me to grow and become more independent as a woman. I agree with a lot that the author says about the nanny effect and how within the household we lose a lot of our own identity and independence due to a mortgage, bills, kids, as well we lose attraction and desire for our spouse.
Clearly my husband lost his desire for me way before I lost my desire for him. He was not honest and after years of trying to fix something that was not fixable I woke up, I stopped being a fish (reference to article) and I discovered the water. I also discovered what great sex is.
After the divorce I learned a lot about myself and what I want for this stage of my life. I wanted my family back together, I wanted financial security and stability, I didn't want to date, I didn't want any man around my kids other than their father, and of course my independence to do what I want for myself.
I would not be where I am today if I didn't get the divorce. It was needed.
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Post by greatcoastal on Apr 8, 2018 12:36:13 GMT -5
I'm going to echo bballgirl@ words with my own spin on it.
Marriage suited our needs well in the beginning.
However the sex, intimacy, respect, trust and communication part was quickly pushed aside.
The other things that made my wife comfortable in her life fell right into place. Tons of carreer abvancement, saving and investing money, large family, fake chritianity, family support ( father living with us) a suportive husband ,no sex or intimacy and full control.
All these things -that on her side- kept us staying together.
It was when we went to therapy for one of our children and the light was shined on "you greatcoastal, live a sad life". Then to discover that communication was going to ruin my Wifes control.
In her mind the only thing that needed changing was me. And why not? Without me she basically gets to keep all that we/she established and remain quite comfortable.
I was allowed to tag along for the ride as long as I stayed out of the way.
I'm glad I left and continue with my restoration.
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Post by lwoetin on Apr 8, 2018 14:04:23 GMT -5
"Sexton has personally witnessed the demise of more than a thousand marriages — but that's right folks, you guessed it — he still believes in love. Not only that, but his career helping people out of marriages inspired him to write a how-to book on staying together: If You're In My Office, It's Already Too Late. ....And my advice to everyone is, stay out of my office if you can". I've always felt that if I go to the office, then I have given up on my marriage. So that is not on my to do list and hopefully never will be.
He gives constructive tips to try to save marriage, "The core answer isn't that sexy. What it really is is, just stay connected with your spouse. Communicate with your spouse, remember that you fell in love with a person who had unique traits, and there were little things you just did for each other. You were cheerleaders for each other at some point. But when you're married it's very very easy to just not even see the person anymore, much less cheer for them."
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