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Post by justwant2bhappy on Apr 5, 2018 11:26:26 GMT -5
Long time lurker, here, that just decided to join and post. I apologize for the novel, but my marriage has deteriorated to the point where there is probably no coming back. My H and I have been married 17 years and all of it has been a SM. I knew something was off when were dating, but ignored it as I was ready for marriage and kids. Big mistake! After 5 years into our SM I left him(there was a point we went 2.5 years celibate during this time period). He promised he would change and blah blah blah so we ended up staying together. Now it has been 10 years of celibacy. For the past year, I’ve complained frequently and told him it would end if it didn’t get better. A month ago after one of our arguments, he told me if I wanted a divorce he would agree to do it amicably. I was floored by the response. It told me he would rather divorce than ever change. I was heartbroken. I ended up walking back that conversation, but the damage had been done. I feel like I’m on pins and needles constantly, wondering, if I’m going to be surprised with divorce papers. There is no trust or communication left. We have been civil with each other this month avoiding arguments as much as possible. He just feels so cold to me. No affection. Nothing. He only really wants me to do things for him. His mother makes excuses for him, also. Example: people that work don’t have the time or energy to be that interested, i read too many romance novels, maybe I need to keep the house cleaner, or try to make myself more attractive) None of this explains why our entire marriage has been a disaster or how one could 10 years completely without.
Anyways, we had a little argument yesterday about something and I could feel contempt coming from him. I ended up just shutting up. Not saying a whole lot to him today. Divorce would be difficult for me to initiate due to me being a stay at home mom that part time homeschools. Also, the kids may want to stay with him due to how his side of the family spoils them and they have a fairly good standard of living through him.
I’m looking into my options. I am afraid of the future and I waffle back and forth with indecision, unfortunately. I’m suspecting my time in this marriage is getting shorter. On top of it all, even though this marriage has been terrible, I still feel heartbroken. I’m so not ready for this financially or emotionally, but I am starting to face the facts.
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Post by hopingforachange on Apr 5, 2018 11:35:47 GMT -5
You got what most of us come to realize we wanted to hear from our spouses. He told you he will not change, he will not have sex. He told you he will be amicable during the divorce.
My suggestion would be to start showing up your friends and support network. Then plan out how you want the divorce to go.
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Post by hopingforachange on Apr 5, 2018 11:39:52 GMT -5
His mother is enabling his behavior and doesn't understand how much of a shit hole of a marathon you are in. The crap she is suggesting works for small libido differences. If he wanted it once a week and you three times, what she is suggesting might help get him up to wanting to please you and be intimate twice a week.
What she is suggesting is like filling the grand canyon one shove fill at a time.
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Post by northstarmom on Apr 5, 2018 11:46:31 GMT -5
Listen and believe what your husband told you. He had no plans to change. He would participate amicably in a divorce.
You can not change him. He doesn’t love you the way you wish. Stay with him and you are guaranteed misery. An amicable divorce out of an unhappy marriage is a good offer. Many here have to battle their way out of a bad marriage.
Therapy can help you through your grief over no longer having reason for hope your marriage will improve. A lawyer can help you know the financial costs of divorce and what you are entitled to.
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Post by bballgirl on Apr 5, 2018 12:14:04 GMT -5
Get yourself to an attorney like yesterday. Find out how a divorce will shake out for you. At least put yourself on the offensive and don't allow yourself to be a victim of divorce. If nothing else talking to an attorney will educate you. As far as the kids - they don't get to decide, you should be entitled to 50/50 and if he works a lot maybe more. As far as his family - you get to divorce them too.
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Post by Apocrypha on Apr 5, 2018 12:36:30 GMT -5
I’m suspecting my time in this marriage is getting shorter. What marriage? Honestly, you've both missed the whole thing. You want him to change. It's not the correct way to frame this problem. The problem is that he doesn't desire you and never did, and/or, didn't want to marry you - never got on board with it. So that the circumstance of marriage was a trap, and he felt captive in a mistake. He WILL have sex. So will you, eventually. But not with each other. What differentiates the two of you from amicable ex-spouses, presently?
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Post by ironhamster on Apr 5, 2018 12:46:45 GMT -5
If you are not ready, financially, get ready. You know what is coming. Get a job or go back to school, or both.
And, welcome to the club.
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Post by bballgirl on Apr 5, 2018 12:52:20 GMT -5
Open a checking account in your own name and don't get a job so quick. The less you make the more he will have to pay in child support and spousal support. In my state after 17 years of marriage you are entitled to alimony for life!!
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Post by justwant2bhappy on Apr 5, 2018 12:56:44 GMT -5
I plan to move forward with things and hope that the rug isn’t pulled out from under me prematurely. I am worried about pulling it all off, though. I’m hurting severely over this so if I can get therapy that would help. I don’t know if I trapped him into it though. We dated for a couple of months and he asked me to marry him. He had been married years ago that ended in divorce. I speculate that he married me because I was one of the few to put up with his neglectful attitude. He liked to play video games to the point of doing nothing else except work. I didn’t interfere with his past times. I did notice while we were dating that his sex drive wasn’t right. He had been divorced for around 10 years at that time. I think at that time I was still recovering from a breakup of a 3 year relationship and I think I felt that life was stagnant and I wanted to move on with the next phase of my life so I hopped on board. Terrible reasons to get married. He presented red flags then, I just ignored them.
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Post by GeekGoddess on Apr 5, 2018 13:19:57 GMT -5
Welcome to the group none of wished to qualify for. Get to a lawyer for a no-cost consultation. Get a therapist for yourself. I found a therapist who helped me very much in my decision-making processes. (I made the choices, but she helped guide me through the mixed emotions around those choices) Don’t give 2 cents over the MIL. She is not sleeping in your bed & doesn’t know what it’s like. Or - maybe she accepted a sexless marriage as normal, helping to set the stage. In any case, her opinions do not count. The kids: as pointed out, they may get some say on certain details but divorce law in your state will be the overriding factor in how custody & visitation schedules are drawn up. I agree with another response that agreeing to an amicable divorce is a good offer from him. Shore up your support network, get applicable legal advice, and take him up on it! This is already not a marriage. A divorce simply rectifies the paperwork to reflect that truth.
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Post by ironhamster on Apr 5, 2018 13:55:46 GMT -5
Be careful loading for more alimony or child support. My stbx is likely shitting a brick right now. I am leaving my current 3000 hour per year job and going to a 2000 hour per year job. More pay per hour, way fewer hours.
It was one thing busting my ass for my family, but I am not going to sacrifice my health so that my stbx can stay home any more. She will need to help figure out how to help support HER family.
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Post by bballgirl on Apr 5, 2018 14:57:17 GMT -5
I plan to move forward with things and hope that the rug isn’t pulled out from under me prematurely. I am worried about pulling it all off, though. I’m hurting severely over this so if I can get therapy that would help. I don’t know if I trapped him into it though. We dated for a couple of months and he asked me to marry him. He had been married years ago that ended in divorce. I speculate that he married me because I was one of the few to put up with his neglectful attitude. He liked to play video games to the point of doing nothing else except work. I didn’t interfere with his past times. I did notice while we were dating that his sex drive wasn’t right. He had been divorced for around 10 years at that time. I think at that time I was still recovering from a breakup of a 3 year relationship and I think I felt that life was stagnant and I wanted to move on with the next phase of my life so I hopped on board. Terrible reasons to get married. He presented red flags then, I just ignored them. "I am worried about pulling it all off though" Take it one step at a time like rungs in a ladder. I was not even looking for a new place to live until 2 months prior to moving. First talk to an attorney and they will guide you. It's not easy but it's worth it and you deserve better.
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Post by baza on Apr 5, 2018 17:33:23 GMT -5
Thanks for becoming a member after being a lurker Sister justwant2bhappy . Like anyone in an ILIASM shithole, the cornerstone of your way forward is establishing how a divorce would shake out for you. Gathering that information needs to be priority #1 as everything else you might do hangs off that. What you might then do with the information is another matter entirely, but you sure as shit are not going to be able to make a fully informed choice without the information. Set yourself a deadline would be my suggestion....to gather up all the financial information you can, and call a lawyer in your jurisdiction within a week and set up an appointment. That's it. That's all I suggest you do at this point. Once you've got that information, and digested it, there will be further things to do, but that ain't today. Like Sister bballgirl says, one step up the ladder at a time. Assume nothing. Get the facts. And, on that "assume nothing" basis, don't assume that he meant it when he offered an amicable divorce either.
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Post by h on Apr 5, 2018 17:56:13 GMT -5
You got what most of us come to realize we wanted to hear from our spouses. He told you he will not change, he will not have sex. He told you he will be amicable during the divorce. My suggestion would be to start showing up your friends and support network. Then plan out how you want the divorce to go. justwant2bhappyI'll second this. You have what most people here dream of: certainty. He won't change and admitted it. He agreed to an amicable divorce. Take it at face value. He was honest.
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Post by tirefire on Apr 5, 2018 20:45:07 GMT -5
Welcome. Take the divorce and never look back. Many of us struggle watching the sands flow through the hourglass. It _is_ hard to move forward but you can do it. We are here to support you. Tf
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