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Post by mypaintbrushes on Apr 2, 2018 13:25:09 GMT -5
Last March, I stayed out too late with friends and came home ro find my husband pacing in the kitchen, saying he couldn’t sleep and was “worried” (I had checked in and he’s texted back with “OK” but then left increasingly agitated voicemails while one of the friends I was with had confiscated my phone). That kicked off a period of about 2 months of him being the “perfect” husband.
My mom lives 20 minutes away and is going out of town for a few days. She’s asked me to house sit (she also has a cat).
I went to karaoke with some friends and when I came home after 1am, our kid was home alone. That afternoon, he’d grabbed my face and shouted that he loved me and always would, unless I screwed him over. That was a week ago.
Since then, he’s decided to be the “perfect” husband, which means he hovers a lot. Blocks me sometimes from exiting a room until I kiss him. He insisted last night that we “do something” but he was too tired to have sex with me, so he just teased me for a while (I did wake up in the middle of the night to him masterbating). He says his ED is due to job stress - he switched jobs, to a much less intense environment, a few months ago - and that I need to be more supportive.
I don’t know. The cat sitting is happening this weekend and he’s decided our son is only allowed to stay with me half the time. Also, he’s pretty much invited himself over to my mom’s House when I’m there.
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Post by northstarmom on Apr 2, 2018 13:52:06 GMT -5
"I went to karaoke with some friends and when I came home after 1am, our kid was home alone. That afternoon, he’d grabbed my face and shouted that he loved me and always would, unless I screwed him over. That was a week ago." He was being abusive -- verbally abusive and at the very least threatening physical abuse. Certainly his grabbing your face and shouting at you was threatening. " don’t know. The cat sitting is happening this weekend and he’s decided our son is only allowed to stay with me half the time. Also, he’s pretty much invited himself over to my mom’s House when I’m there." He is being very controlling. There are red flags that your husband may become physically dangerous to you. I've starred two that your post described. Warning signs of domestic abuse: Tells you that you can never do anything right Shows extreme jealousy of your friends and time spent away Keeps you or discourages you from seeing friends or family members Insults, demeans or shames you with put-downs Controls every penny spent in the household Takes your money or refuses to give you money for necessary expenses ****Looks at you or acts in ways that scare you**** ****Controls who you see, where you go, or what you do**** Prevents you from making your own decisions Tells you that you are a bad parent or threatens to harm or take away your children Prevents you from working or attending school Destroys your property or threatens to hurt or kill your pets Intimidates you with guns, knives or other weapons Pressures you to have sex when you don’t want to or do things sexually you’re not comfortable with Pressures you to use drugs or alcohol www.thehotline.org/is-this-abuse/abuse-defined/
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Post by bballgirl on Apr 2, 2018 15:01:56 GMT -5
This is very scary. An avoidant refuser is starting to sound good.
I would definitely lock away any guns or knives in the house.
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Post by mypaintbrushes on Apr 2, 2018 15:40:01 GMT -5
We have no guns in the house (that work, anyway). Just a few knives (we’re vegetarian).
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Post by Deleted on Apr 2, 2018 15:45:11 GMT -5
Lots of red flags in this type of physically controlling behavior.
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Post by surfergirl on Apr 2, 2018 16:42:15 GMT -5
How old is the child left alone until 1 am?
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Post by GeekGoddess on Apr 2, 2018 17:00:01 GMT -5
How old is the child left alone until 1 am? And where was H? I don’t understand this part. You were somehow in trouble but WHERE WAS HE?
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Post by mypaintbrushes on Apr 2, 2018 17:32:21 GMT -5
How old is the child left alone until 1 am? And where was H? I don’t understand this part. You were somehow in trouble but WHERE WAS HE? He’s 14, but I still didn’t like it. I got distracted before I finished my thought: h was out for a drive because he was depressed over me taking our son to go house sit.
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Post by northstarmom on Apr 2, 2018 18:04:24 GMT -5
" h was out for a drive because he was depressed over me taking our son to go house sit."
Your son is special needs and is 14? Is it safe for him to be home alone?
If your son is not safe home alone, your husband's being "depressed" is not an acceptable excuse for him to leave your son alone. That's another example of how your husband ducks his responsibilities. I remember how when your home was threatened by the California forest fire, your husband's response was to leave the house, leaving you to make all of the preparations to swiftly leave.
Your husband is an irresponsible, selfish, controlling, verbally and emotionally abusive person. Why do you want to have sex with him? What keeps you with him? Do you really believe that staying with such a man is better than being a single parent? Aren't you the main wage earner?
I think I remember that you were in therapy. Are you in therapy now? If not, why not? I remember that you had an abusive childhood. Therapy could help you heal and realize that you deserve much better than you're settling for.
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Post by ihadalove on Apr 2, 2018 22:54:50 GMT -5
I agree, this behavior is abusive, and perhaps even dangerous.
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Post by elynne on Apr 3, 2018 8:54:56 GMT -5
Just want to add preventing you from leaving a room is also abusive behavior. It’s often overlooked, but I know how frightening and frustrating it can be when a larger and stronger partner intimidates by blocking you from leaving the room or from going up the stairs.
I’m probably one of the most forgiving and laid back people. But even I think you shouldn’t even thinking about saving this but about an exit plan and your personal safety.
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Post by choosinghappy on Apr 3, 2018 9:28:11 GMT -5
I agree with the above posts. It sounds like his instability is escalating and it is likely only a matter of time before he becomes physically abusive. Please take care of yourself and your son.
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Post by northstarmom on Apr 3, 2018 12:13:55 GMT -5
Elynne said: "I’m probably one of the most forgiving and laid back people. But even I think you shouldn’t even thinking about saving this but about an exit plan and your personal safety."
And please do not tell your spouse you plan to leave! Abusers become even more abusive when their partners decide to break up. I know a woman who saw her abusive dad stab her mom to death after the mom announced she was divorcing him.
There are huge red flags that you have been ignoring about your husband's controlling and abusive behavior. Abusive behavior tends to worsen over time. Sure, there will be honeymoon periods when they may seem contrite, but those periods end with more abuse. Please read about abuse and how to leave abusers in as safe a way as possible.
This is an implied or direct threat of physical harm if you do something he doesn't agree with. That "something" could be deciding to leave him. Please take seriously our warnings that you are being abused and are in danger: "I went to karaoke with some friends and when I came home after 1am, our kid was home alone. That afternoon, he’d grabbed my face and shouted that he loved me and always would, unless I screwed him over. That was a week ago."
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Post by darktippedrose on Apr 3, 2018 17:02:13 GMT -5
That is not a new leaf. In my opinion, your freedom or confidence, may be triggering him to escalate to new heights.
trust me, this is not the new leaf that you look forward to.
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Post by baza on Apr 3, 2018 19:11:03 GMT -5
The run of stories as told by this person (3 different handles have been used) @dreamr4140 - dreamer29 - Dreamr4140 would be well worth your while reading Sister mypaintbrushes . They tell a tale of escalating confrontation, the most recent development being the members spouse buying a gun, then ..........nothing. No further posts since Jan 2017. What happened ? no-one knows. Please be careful, real careful Sister mypaintbrushes . Your deal seems to have blown past "dysfunctional" and has entered "dangerous".
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