saxby
New Member
Posts: 13
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Post by saxby on Mar 21, 2018 16:23:29 GMT -5
I feel like I have a 90 lb back pack on and way too many clothes.
It makes me feel restricted, makes other things a chore, zaps my energy, tires me out, exhausts me.
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Post by hopingforachange on Mar 21, 2018 16:33:48 GMT -5
It went hand and hand with my depression, so felt like I was 6ft under and waiting for the tractor to drop the dirt.
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Post by baza on Mar 21, 2018 18:19:27 GMT -5
I've been out of my particular ILIASM deal since October 2009, and a lot of the pain has been forgotten (except when a random story or comment in here starkly and sharply gives me a reminder)
But from that 9 year old perspective, my recollection is of how "baseless" I felt.
My marriage was NOT a safe haven that I could retreat to and re-charge from to face the world and the day to day issues that we all have to deal with. Quite the reverse. It was an energy and emotional desert which sucked up a lot of energy and emotion making it harder to deal with day to day stuff. I didn't feel that I had solid ground under my feet. I've used the term "baseless" above. It's not the "right" word, but I can't think of a better one at this moment.
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Post by WindSister on Mar 21, 2018 18:33:58 GMT -5
I've been out of a SM since late 2012. I recall depression, loneliness, and fear for my future. What Baza said resonates with me because I recall songs like "Home" from Michael Buble would grip my heart and fill me with so much pain. I didn't feel I had a "home." The one I tried to build with my ex was in ruins because I was the only one who cared about it, but I quit caring around 2009/2010.... weeds consumed my once beautiful garden; the perfect visual of the state of our marriage.
I have no regret leaving. Now I have a true love, a beautiful home and garden and we work on everything, including our relationship , together . Not that life, or we, are perfect, but, damn it, we are happy.
Results vary. I just knew leaving was my answer
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Post by sparkz on Mar 21, 2018 20:33:46 GMT -5
Feels like a crushing weight on my chest, or like being punched in the stomach, like the wind is being knocked out of me. It's amazing how emotions can cause such strong physical symptoms.
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Post by xpiatio on Mar 21, 2018 20:35:27 GMT -5
Feels like a crushing weight on my chest, or like being punched in the stomach, like the wind is being knocked out of me. It's amazing how emotions can cause such strong physical symptoms. You said it to a t.
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Post by choosinghappy on Mar 21, 2018 20:42:46 GMT -5
Suffocating on words unspoken. Always questioning, always biting my tongue. I am not ME in this SM.
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Post by DryCreek on Mar 21, 2018 21:34:13 GMT -5
Kind of like a shadow of the person I aspire to be. Living life on a 5 or 6, when I want to crank it to 11!
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Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on Mar 21, 2018 21:53:26 GMT -5
Hopeless.
And so I filed for divorce 2 weeks ago.
Lo and behold, in between the sadness, hope is beginning to creep back into my life. I think I’m going to love life again!
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Post by jim44444 on Mar 22, 2018 0:26:59 GMT -5
An SM to me is like IKEA furniture. Pleasant to behold but devoid of craft, superficial, hollow. Soulless.
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Post by elynne on Mar 22, 2018 1:00:00 GMT -5
I feel like I have a 90 lb back pack on and way too many clothes. It makes me feel restricted, makes other things a chore, zaps my energy, tires me out, exhausts me. It’s uncertainty and feeling not good enough. Constantly thinking about what I can do better. Always trying to hit a moving target. It’s like crossing a creek with slippery moss covered stones that shift under your feet. But falling in is a lot more fun with a real creek!
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kittymox
Junior Member
Just a dandelion
Posts: 32
Age Range: 41-45
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Post by kittymox on Mar 22, 2018 1:55:50 GMT -5
Feels like agonizing unrequited love for a roommate. Feels like never-ending gaslighting. Feels like I'm a hideous, unfuckable pile of garbage. (Pardon my language)
Edit: also feels like an exhausting, endless game with constantly-shifting goal posts. And madness.
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Post by h on Mar 22, 2018 4:37:16 GMT -5
It's made me feel hollow, like an empty shell of the person I used to be. On the outside, not much has changed since college. On the inside my hopes, dreams, self-confidence, self-image, self-esteem, and my personality in general slowly drained away until all that was left was a mindless drone waiting for the end and secretly hoping a terminal illness or fatal accident would make it sooner rather than later. I'm just now starting to get my sense of self back after being here a while, slowly plugging the holes and filling myself back up. It's a long process.
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Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on Mar 22, 2018 5:02:53 GMT -5
An SM to me is like IKEA furniture. Pleasant to behold but devoid of craft, superficial, hollow. Soulless. 😂 Thank you for the laugh jim44444. I have a love/hate relationship with IKEA. And this is a perfect analogy! I would add the following: it is programmed to fail due to poor quality. You know that shit is never gonna withstand any wear. It’s simply a matter of when the load becomes too great for it to bear and the whole thing falls apart. Just like SM. I will never be able to look at IKEA the same!
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Deleted
Deleted Member
Posts: 0
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Post by Deleted on Mar 22, 2018 5:07:12 GMT -5
Feels like I'm a hideous, unfuckable pile of garbage. Girl, remove this thought and this language from your vocabulary. It’s not serving you. Nothing to do with the French and everything to do with honoring yourself! I felt like that too, for years. Until I woke up and realized the truth. Start changing your language to reflect the love you deserve and feel for yourself and your whole life can change. Stay strong. Have hope.
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