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Post by flounder on Mar 17, 2018 20:28:51 GMT -5
This was my emotional breakdown yesterday...I was sitting at work listening to spotify. Randomly, the Maine's Am I Pretty came on. It hit so hard that I started crying. Crying turned to a nosebleed. I was a mess. Luckily, I was the only one in the office! Sadly, this sexless marriage has really hit my self esteem. It is hard to feel beautiful when you don't feel heard or wanted. It's difficult to watch others (being loved) and wish so hard that was your life. I want to be held, touched, loved so badly it literally causes physical pain. My heart aches nearly every day...and has for way too long. I know where I am headed. I am in the process of getting things together to finally leave. But now I wonder...who will want this broken girl? Is there hope after leaving...or will I simply be leaving one type of loneliness for another? I am so out of practice with anything...and I feel, at 44, time isn't on my side Hope. Hope is the one saving grace that came out of Pandora’s box. We all have those moments where we wallow in the dark place where we currently sit. Maybe we need those moments of despair and overwhelming grief to wipe the slate clean. I’ve crumpled to the floor, coat still on, bag still on my shoulder, and ugly cried for an hour after a text from my h. No need to be ashamed. But the next step - that’s the important one. Acknowledge the grief, the fear. Embrace it. Instead of trying to push it down ask yourself ‘ok. What’s the worst that can happen?’ Flesh it out. In the light of day, not in the depths of your subconscious, you can plan for the worst case scenario. AND handle it! When I’m at my absolute lowest, I tell myself things are dark. Things are hard and they’re probably going to get harder before they get better. But I have faith that there are better times on the other side of this rough patch. Why do I believe this? Because I’m not going to give up until I figure this out. Just because you can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel doesn’t mean it’s not there. You’ve got this. And you’re not alone. This is spot on.
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Post by saarinista on Mar 18, 2018 0:59:09 GMT -5
"Sadly, this sexless marriage has really hit my self esteem. It is hard to feel beautiful when you don't feel heard or wanted. It's difficult to watch others (being loved) and wish so hard that was your life. I want to be held, touched, loved so badly it literally causes physical pain. My heart aches nearly every day...and has for way too long." At 42, I felt the same way. At about 55, I hit rock bottom, thought I was having a heart attack, but it turned out, I was suffering from severe clinical depression. I got into individual therapy, accepted antidepressants, and began living my life for myself, not my husband. Independently, I pursued hobbies and interests that I'd either given up or had been intrigued by but thought I didn't have the talent to do. Sometimes when I did these things, I was the oldest person present. I made new friends, discovered abilities I didn't know I had. My self confidence improved. I also began dressing in a way that was more stylish -- I dressed to look good to me, not to my husband (who never commented on my looks). When I was 60, I woke up one day and realized I'd rather be single than remain in a marriage in which I was unappreciated. I also realized I'd be happier single than alone in a marriage. I asked for a divorce and got one. Due to my age, at best I was hoping to have mutually enjoyable sex one more time. I ended up-- to my surprise -- getting into a relationship with a man I'd known for years due to a hobby I'd taken up. We've now been together 5 years. He is unlike any man I've ever dated (An example of how unless one doesn't do some serious self exploration about why one got into and stayed in a SM, it's likely to happen again. You'd be likely to pick someone who may look different from your refuser, but have similar personality traits). We've now been together 5 years and he is the love of my life, returning my passion and love. Concentrate on yourself -- becoming the you who makes you happy. You're lucky that you're only in you're 40s when you've found this spot and can begin to take the steps to improve your life and your future. I was 61 when I found ILIASM's precursor. It was a week after my divorce was final. I'd have made faster progress if I'd had the good lucky you've had in finding so much support and information at such a young age. I'm 57 and also struggling about what to do with my SM. northstarmom your posts give me and other older members some perspective. Even a person with good self-esteem can still have legitimate concerns about finding another partner after leaving a sexless marriage. Let's face it-it's not always easy to judge the integrity and compatibility of new partners. That's especially true after you've done time in a relationship that was promised to meet your needs forever and ends up doing exactly the opposite. The subterfuge makes it harder to trust your instincts, even if you feel that you have a lot to bring to a new relationship. I think regardless of your age, it's terrifying emotionally for most all of us to walk away from even a bad marriage. It's also just plain difficult. The logistics of divorce and setting up separate living arrangements can be daunting thing and expensive. If you have children-I don't even know how those of you who have kids have been able to do it. I have great respect for those of you who have found the courage to leave. I think that are society is not supportive enough of the fact that sometimes divorce is the most courageous and the best thing to do for all concerned, although not the easiest. While I don't think divorce should be done thoughtlessly, I do think there are plenty of marriages out there that are bad for the world, as is proven by those of us on this forum.
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kittymox
Junior Member
Just a dandelion
Posts: 32
Age Range: 41-45
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Post by kittymox on Mar 18, 2018 2:04:05 GMT -5
I'm brand new. This is my first comment. I, too, feel crushed and near tears when I hear songs about desire and admiration or see depictions of it in movies, etc. My partner is so beautiful to me and intimacy with him (back when it still existed) was the most intense I'd ever known. It makes me incredibly sad that he doesn't feel about me the way I feel about him, and it makes me feel so bitter that he has been given the gift of a cute, libidinous, adventurous woman who adores him from head to toe, and he just shits on it. "Do you know what some of us would do to have someone feel about us the way I feel about you?!" I silently scream at him. These are the thoughts that go through my mind when I hear a love song. Such things used to make me think of him in a warm, fuzzy way; it's depressing how things can change :/
So there's my first melodramatic post. I hope it's ok that I'm not married, but in a LTR. I'm sure we'll be married at some point... If we ever get this sex thing sorted out (I am increasingly skeptical; it's been an issue for the last 3 years with no signs of improving).
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Post by DryCreek on Mar 18, 2018 2:16:27 GMT -5
It makes me incredibly sad that he doesn't feel about me the way I feel about him, and it makes me feel so bitter that he has been given the gift of a cute, libidinous, adventurous woman who adores him from head to toe, and he just shits on it. "Do you know what some of us would do to have someone feel about us the way I feel about you?!" I silently scream at him. It feels criminal, I know. Like amazing food is being left to rot while other people starve. I won't spoil the ending for you, but you'd best read a couple thousand stories here before committing to that path.
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kittymox
Junior Member
Just a dandelion
Posts: 32
Age Range: 41-45
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Post by kittymox on Mar 18, 2018 2:24:29 GMT -5
It makes me incredibly sad that he doesn't feel about me the way I feel about him, and it makes me feel so bitter that he has been given the gift of a cute, libidinous, adventurous woman who adores him from head to toe, and he just shits on it. "Do you know what some of us would do to have someone feel about us the way I feel about you?!" I silently scream at him. It feels criminal, I know. Like amazing food is being left to rot while other people starve. I won't spoil the ending for you, but you'd best read a couple thousand stories here before committing to that path. I hear ya. I vacillate between feeling just too damn old and lazy to start all over again, and thinking that I shouldn't waste my last few years of middle age in this mess. I still cling to the hope that if things can change so dramatically, surely they can change back...then I read stories here of people who put up with it for decades and it never changes
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Post by baza on Mar 18, 2018 2:40:16 GMT -5
By the most optimistic data available Sister kittymox , the chances of 180'ing an ILIASM shithole are 4% based on random sampling in this group. Past sampling puts it at 00.20%. Suffice to say, the chances of a turnaround are abysmal.
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Post by lwoetin on Mar 18, 2018 3:25:57 GMT -5
I silently scream at him. I think it's what I've been doing for years now. ( him her) Adoration from head to toe might be an issue.
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Post by lwoetin on Mar 18, 2018 3:50:55 GMT -5
My daughter is going to the prom without a date and she looks beautiful in her dress. Alessia Cara - Scars To Your Beautiful
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Post by elynne on Mar 18, 2018 3:58:12 GMT -5
By the most optimistic data available Sister kittymox , the chances of 180'ing an ILIASM shithole are 4% based on random sampling in this group. Past sampling puts it at 00.20%. Suffice to say, the chances of a turnaround are abysmal. I second this. If it’s this bad prior to marriage, tying the knot will only make it worse. Then he’s got you committed and he doesn’t have to try to impress you anymore. This. Right now. This is his him putting his best foot forward. Here’s my unsolicited advice. Get yourself to a good therapist. Figure out why you’re willing to put up with receiving so much less than you give. Work on you. Accepting yourself. Recognizing how unique and incredible you are. When you truly get that, when you feel that through and through, you discard the things from your life that don’t fit your self image and draw people towards you who feel about you the same way you feel about yourself. It’s all about healing from the inside out. I strongly suspect your current partner will either not fit with your new self image or will be challenged to grow and evolve as a person. (My experience has been these folks find it very difficult to evolve).
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Post by bballgirl on Mar 18, 2018 5:30:57 GMT -5
I'm brand new. This is my first comment. I, too, feel crushed and near tears when I hear songs about desire and admiration or see depictions of it in movies, etc. My partner is so beautiful to me and intimacy with him (back when it still existed) was the most intense I'd ever known. It makes me incredibly sad that he doesn't feel about me the way I feel about him, and it makes me feel so bitter that he has been given the gift of a cute, libidinous, adventurous woman who adores him from head to toe, and he just shits on it. "Do you know what some of us would do to have someone feel about us the way I feel about you?!" I silently scream at him. These are the thoughts that go through my mind when I hear a love song. Such things used to make me think of him in a warm, fuzzy way; it's depressing how things can change :/ So there's my first melodramatic post. I hope it's ok that I'm not married, but in a LTR. I'm sure we'll be married at some point... If we ever get this sex thing sorted out (I am increasingly skeptical; it's been an issue for the last 3 years with no signs of improving). I was in a SM for 23 years. I filed for divorce in 2015 and moved out. I am back in a relationship with him now but we are not married. We don't have sex - he has a lot of medical issues and is not capable of it, I have a lover and I'm not interested in sex with the ex. To me marriage includes sex, DO NOT marry that man - it will only complicate things. He has nightmares that you are cheating? Good he should have nightmares because it's wrong to impose celibacy on someone. Focus on yourself and figure out what you want for yourself.
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Post by DryCreek on Mar 18, 2018 11:17:27 GMT -5
Adoration from head to toe might be an issue. It surely contributes. We're putting on a game face, lest we kill off any chance at intimacy. On the other side of the table, they see that everything seems great except for the occasional complaint about needing more intimacy. Once we turn that corner to being openly pissed off at the situation, that crosses into territory that's hard to come back from.
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Post by northstarmom on Mar 18, 2018 11:32:35 GMT -5
"It makes me incredibly sad that he doesn't feel about me the way I feel about him, and it makes me feel so bitter that he has been given the gift of a cute, libidinous, adventurous woman who adores him from head to toe, and he just shits on it. "Do you know what some of us would do to have someone feel about us the way I feel about you?!" I silently scream at him.:
At some point, I hope you realize the futility of loving someone who doesn't love you. If you ever get to the point of loving yourself more than you love him, you'll be able to let go of a relationship that is toxic for you. And some day, you'll look back at your marriage and you'll wonder why you stayed so long.
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Post by snowman12345 on Mar 18, 2018 15:23:52 GMT -5
I don't know how much this will help... I ran into a woman last night that I went to high school with. She watched as her husband blew his brains out in front of her. A little broken? Ya think? Well the men still seemed to swarm around her - yours truly included. Every person on this board knows what it's like to not feel wanted, loved or desired. I hope you discover that the true beauty of a person lies in their power to overcome. Put on your "I really don't give a fuck" face and march on. Someone out there will see it and want to love it. Good luck to you and I hope you find peace.
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Post by Admin on Mar 18, 2018 21:15:14 GMT -5
I hope it's ok that I'm not married, but in a LTR. Dealing with sexlessness in marriages and LTRs have the same issues, and both are welcomed discussions here.
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Post by solodriver on Mar 19, 2018 2:05:29 GMT -5
Potentially, the question of "who would want me" is an exciting question. Of all the eligible blokes out there, which one(s) might you consider allowing into your orbit ? Potentially, the exact same question might be a bear trap. Under that line of thinking you might allow the first bloke who expresses some interest in you into your orbit. Being "the first bloke to express some interest" ain't necessarily indicative of him being the right bloke. You are entitled to be choosy Sister tiredofbeinglonely ... in fact it is imperative that you are choosy. Meantime, there is your ILIASM shithole to bring to conclusion. I see what you mean. I think I will be the opposite...too afraid to allow someone in who might hurt me again. I might let some good ones pass me by...afraid of being hurt, assuming the worst, questioningv intentions. Again, this marriage has really played a number on my self esteem. I have decided that if I get another chance with someone I will take that chance, even if I get hurt again. At least for the time that it lasts, I will have someone to share and enjoy sex and love with again, which I don't have right now. I feel I deserve another chance to love and be loved and not let my refuser completely destroy my self esteem to the point that I would never allow myself to love someone again. In my mind, at least, someone is out there waiting for me to love. I just have to be patient enough to find her.
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