Post by elynne on Mar 5, 2018 3:11:13 GMT -5
Keep in mind also that treatment's "working" may mean something like the following results: your husband discovers that due to his past trauma he deliberately picked a woman he doesn't find sexually appealing; your husband discovers he is asexual; your husband discovers he is gay; your husband discovers that due to his trauma, he is so sexually averse that he would prefer a divorce to continuing to go through the pain of addressing his trauma.
Your idea of "treatment's working" may not match what your husband wants or needs. The purpose of his individual therapy is not to make him a better husband for you, but to make him a person who lives the kind of life that he finds most fulfilling. No matter why he thinks he went to treatment, no therapist is going to use a patient's treatment to make the person into what the person's spouse considers an ideal mate.
I wish I had more to offer you in terms of certainty or hope. I have neither to give. I think if you ‘get in the ring’ so to speak and really try to work on things your odds of finding a solution are better.
If you h won’t engage then all of your trying on your own can’t build a relationship. It takes two.
If this were a business and not your emotions a very reasonable plan would give a period of 6 months to attempt a turn around while creating a decent plan B so you don’t go under. In 6 months reevaluate. See if there has been any change and improvement.
If your relationship with your h is stable enough tell him. I want to make this work. I’m going to do everything I can to connect with you. To build an environment with you where we both feel safe. The kind of relationship with you that provides connection and love and belonging. Where we inspire and challenge each other. Where we’re better because we’re together.
This is the future I want with YOU. I’m going all in for the next 6 months. I’m giving it everything I’ve got. I expect you to do the same if you want a future with me.
If that’s not something you want I deserve to know that now.
Over the next 6 months we’ll do status updates to see where we stand and see if we’re making progress. At the end of this period we can reevaluate, look at our progress. Make our go/no go decision. If we decide to part we can do it with the knowledge that we gave it our best shot. If we decide to stay together we’ll have a good idea of the amount of effort and energy we need to put in to creating and sustaining a healthy relationship.
Often an action plan - no matter what it is - is better than limbo.