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Post by elynne on Mar 2, 2018 5:24:47 GMT -5
Hi. I’m new here. Perhaps this has already been discussed at length. I’m wondering how many of the refused in a sexless marriage suspect that their partner is high on a scale of narcissistic personality traits? As I continue puzzling through how in the world I ended up here it occurs to me that the hubby and I both had narcissistic mothers. At least in my family, I had the distinct impression that my poor dad never got any and that he was (and probably still is) suffering from a lack of affection and intimacy as well as physical touch. Does this sound familiar? The other term I came across in trying to figure out why I was so unhappy in my marriage is ‘Intimacy Anorexic’. Here’s an explanation of what it is: www.yourtango.com/experts/argie-spuck/7-tell-tale-signs-your-partner-suffers-from-intimacy-anorexiaThis seems to describe the problems I see in my marriage exactly. You guys too?
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Post by ironhamster on Mar 2, 2018 5:56:12 GMT -5
1) Too busy to connect. 2) Play the blame game. 3) Withhold praise, love, or even sex. 4) Refuse to express their feelings. 5) Constantly criticize. 6) Use the silent treatment. 7) Use money to control.
Mine scores four out of seven. 1, 2, 3, and 5, in particular.
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Post by baza on Mar 2, 2018 6:02:32 GMT -5
This particular "why" (and many many others) are regularly discussed in here Sister elynne and the NPD comes up a lot.
Thing is however, that "why chasing" is a pretty unproductive passtime. You usually won't find the answer as to "why" they act as jerks, and even if you did find the answer as to "why" they act like jerks...it changes nothing. They will still act like jerks. You knowing the "why" or not knowing the "why" doesn't make any material difference to the facts on the ground.
Some "why" chasing is unavoidable in our common situations, it is best kept to a minimum. It's a dead end. Takes you no-where.
Your choices don't alter at all whether you know the "why" or you don't. You stay...or You cheat...or You leave
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Post by elynne on Mar 2, 2018 6:12:56 GMT -5
1) Too busy to connect. 2) Play the blame game. 3) Withhold praise, love, or even sex. 4) Refuse to express their feelings. 5) Constantly criticize. 6) Use the silent treatment. 7) Use money to control. Mine scores four out of seven. 1, 2, 3, and 5, in particular. Mine scores a whopping 7 out of 7. Though to be completely fair, now that I see it a bit more clearly I don’t really want these things from him anymore. I’m angry and feel misled. Early on we had sex multiple times a week! But I wonder how much of that was a trap to lure me in! Once we were married sex became infrequent, cuddling discouraged. Kissing stopped. I wasn’t allowed to touch him in bed anymore. I used to beg for a kiss. Kiss me, I’d say with a smile. You’ve already had a kiss today was the standard reply. But kiss me again? I’d ask. Slowly. Softly... Yeah, right. Never happened. I’m afraid that door has closed. I’m freakin’ horny. I’ve turned to porn to masturbate. Almost daily. But I don’t even want to get dressed in front of my husband these days. I think he finds me repulsive. And whatever, dude. Your loss. Just too bad that I blamed myself for 10 years, trying to figure out what was wrong with me, what I was doing wrong. That was a big turning point! Realizing that I’m not perfect and I’m never going to be, and that’s ok. But when it comes to intimacy- there’s nothing wrong with me. Except perhaps for my ability to put up with my husband’s bullshit for way too long without standing up for myself.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 2, 2018 6:33:10 GMT -5
Welcome! I’m sorry you need us but glad you found us.
All 7 for my H.
Agree with Baza this is why-chasing that is ultimately unproductive. But, I still think it’s a stage we go through, trying to understand the incomprehensible (to us).
I’ve wondered and been told that my H has narcissistic behaviors, but he also struggles with substance dependence, and it’s difficult to parse those 2, as the behaviors are similar.
Just yesterday, a therapist friend mentioned Obsessive Compulsive personality disorder as a possibility. I haven’t had time to google it, but it sounds a lot like intimacy anorexia.
They won’t change. So it’s up to us to choose our fate. I’ve chosen mine and will be leaving.
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Post by elynne on Mar 2, 2018 7:00:17 GMT -5
Welcome! I’m sorry you need us but glad you found us. All 7 for my H. Agree with Baza this is why-chasing that is ultimately unproductive. But, I still think it’s a stage we go through, trying to understand the incomprehensible (to us). I’ve wondered and been told that my H has narcissistic behaviors, but he also struggles with substance dependence, and it’s difficult to parse those 2, as the behaviors are similar. Just yesterday, a therapist friend mentioned Obsessive Compulsive personality disorder as a possibility. I haven’t had time to google it, but it sounds a lot like intimacy anorexia. They won’t change. So it’s up to us to choose our fate. I’ve chosen mine and will be leaving. Thank you for sharing your experience with me. I think I’m still in the unproductive ‘why-chasing’ phase. I think it’s partly to convince myself that I’ve done all I’m willing to do to try to fix the situation. The next step is to leave. I’m figuring out the legal and financial aspects of doing that. I’ve got two girls, 8 and 10 and figuring out how best to parent and protect them is one more piece of the puzzle I need to sort out. I think our family dynamics don’t lead to a safe and happy environment for the girls to grow up in. But I also strongly suspect that the hubby will take a ‘scorched earth policy’ with me regarding divorce. I need to be braced and prepared for the onslaught. He currently blames me for absolutely everything regardless of how convoluted the logic might be to place the blame on me. In the event of a divorce I expect the trend to continue. And I’ll be tarnishing his image by leaving him - he’ll feel the need to avenge that by hurting me however he can. So - I know leaving is the right thing. But I need to find the guts to take the plunge. It’s not so different from being a little kid at the top of the high dive for the first time. You know staying at the end of the board isn’t an option. Climbing back down isn’t an option either. You know you you’ll survive the jump, but it doesn’t make it any less scary.
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Post by Deleted on Mar 2, 2018 7:16:48 GMT -5
The next step is to leave. I’m figuring out the legal and financial aspects of doing that. I’ve got two girls, 8 and 10 and figuring out how best to parent and protect them is one more piece of the puzzle I need to sort out. I think our family dynamics don’t lead to a safe and happy environment for the girls to grow up in. But I also strongly suspect that the hubby will take a ‘scorched earth policy’ with me regarding divorce. I need to be braced and prepared for the onslaught. He currently blames me for absolutely everything regardless of how convoluted the logic might be to place the blame on me. In the event of a divorce I expect the trend to continue. And I’ll be tarnishing his image by leaving him - he’ll feel the need to avenge that by hurting me however he can. So - I know leaving is the right thing. But I need to find the guts to take the plunge. It’s not so different from being a little kid at the top of the high dive for the first time. You know staying at the end of the board isn’t an option. Climbing back down isn’t an option either. You know you you’ll survive the jump, but it doesn’t make it any less scary. My H is the same as yours. But at some point, you will snap and scorched earth will look better than what you currently have. It’s a process. For me, a multi-year one. Be patient with yourself. You’ll KNOW when it’s time. It will hit you like a ton of bricks that you have no choice but to leave. In the meantime, be good to yourself and know that you are worthy of love and affection. Yes, it’s your H’s loss entirely. Maybe make a plan; dig around here for ideas. Save money, go back to school, get therapy, etc.
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Post by bballgirl on Mar 2, 2018 8:03:44 GMT -5
Make a plan and get out. Life with a narc is not pleasant.
People should be in our lives to make it better not worse. Narcs are takers.
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Post by shamwow on Mar 2, 2018 9:27:46 GMT -5
The next step is to leave. I’m figuring out the legal and financial aspects of doing that. I’ve got two girls, 8 and 10 and figuring out how best to parent and protect them is one more piece of the puzzle I need to sort out. I think our family dynamics don’t lead to a safe and happy environment for the girls to grow up in. But I also strongly suspect that the hubby will take a ‘scorched earth policy’ with me regarding divorce. I need to be braced and prepared for the onslaught. He currently blames me for absolutely everything regardless of how convoluted the logic might be to place the blame on me. In the event of a divorce I expect the trend to continue. And I’ll be tarnishing his image by leaving him - he’ll feel the need to avenge that by hurting me however he can. So - I know leaving is the right thing. But I need to find the guts to take the plunge. It’s not so different from being a little kid at the top of the high dive for the first time. You know staying at the end of the board isn’t an option. Climbing back down isn’t an option either. You know you you’ll survive the jump, but it doesn’t make it any less scary. My H is the same as yours. But at some point, you will snap and scorched earth will look better than what you currently have. It’s a process. For me, a multi-year one. Be patient with yourself. You’ll KNOW when it’s time. It will hit you like a ton of bricks that you have no choice but to leave. In the meantime, be good to yourself and know that you are worthy of love and affection. Yes, it’s your H’s loss entirely. Maybe make a plan; dig around here for ideas. Save money, go back to school, get therapy, etc. Look back at old photos of famous battlefields. Gettysburg, Stalingrad, hell all of the trenches of WWI. The evening before the devestation I'm sure all parties looked toward the battle in dread. The battle was horrific. Carnage was unreal. The cleanup took time and was equally traumatic. But in all these cases things returned to normal. Life returned. Things healed. Dare I say it, they got better. If Hiroshima can return to be a thriving metropolis after scorched earth then so too can we heal after divorce. Oh on the NPD question. My ex was a 6 of 7. ballofconfusion is a 0. Guess this is scored like golf 😉
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Post by greatcoastal on Mar 2, 2018 9:48:01 GMT -5
Sorry I can't make a big comment today. My email and phone have been going like crazy the past few days. Mon. is court day against my NPD. As suspected it's scorch earth, things are getting ugly, and my STBX (and her attorney) are playing dirty. What could have been settled 20 months ago is now being settled in hours, now that the poop hits the paddle!! Just more confirmation that I was married to a true Narc.
However I am going to be free. Free to be my true self again.
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Post by tamara68 on Mar 2, 2018 9:54:03 GMT -5
Sorry I can't make a big comment today. My email and phone have been going like crazy the past few days. Mon. is court day against my NPD. As suspected it's scorch earth, things are getting ugly, and my STBX (and her attorney) are playing dirty. What could have been settled 20 months ago is now being settled in hours, now that the poop hits the paddle!! Just more confirmation that I was married to a true Narc. However I am going to be free. Free to be my true self again. Best of luck to you!
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Post by shamwow on Mar 2, 2018 10:01:29 GMT -5
Sorry I can't make a big comment today. My email and phone have been going like crazy the past few days. Mon. is court day against my NPD. As suspected it's scorch earth, things are getting ugly, and my STBX (and her attorney) are playing dirty. What could have been settled 20 months ago is now being settled in hours, now that the poop hits the paddle!! Just more confirmation that I was married to a true Narc. However I am going to be free. Free to be my true self again. Ending with a bang not a whimper, eh? Good luck brother.
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Post by elynne on Mar 2, 2018 10:12:28 GMT -5
Sorry I can't make a big comment today. My email and phone have been going like crazy the past few days. Mon. is court day against my NPD. As suspected it's scorch earth, things are getting ugly, and my STBX (and her attorney) are playing dirty. What could have been settled 20 months ago is now being settled in hours, now that the poop hits the paddle!! Just more confirmation that I was married to a true Narc. However I am going to be free. Free to be my true self again. I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through. But confirmation that you’ve made a good decision. Celebrate your successes. With an NPD spouse or ex they are very hard won. If you’re going to be co-parenting with a narcissistic ex I can send you some resources on how to manage your expectations and minimize the difficulty of having to maintain contact with the ex. If you want it, send me a message. I’ll send you some links.
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Post by choosinghappy on Mar 2, 2018 10:35:06 GMT -5
If you’re going to be co-parenting with a narcissistic ex I can send you some resources on how to manage your expectations and minimize the difficulty of having to maintain contact with the ex. If you want it, send me a message. I’ll send you some links. elynne would you be willing to post those links in a new thread in the Resources folder?
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Post by elynne on Mar 2, 2018 11:16:39 GMT -5
If you’re going to be co-parenting with a narcissistic ex I can send you some resources on how to manage your expectations and minimize the difficulty of having to maintain contact with the ex. If you want it, send me a message. I’ll send you some links. elynne would you be willing to post those links in a new thread in the Resources folder? Will do!
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