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Post by vwmk5j on Feb 21, 2018 2:53:32 GMT -5
Hi, I'm glad I found this forum and just cannot seem to figure out how to help my marriage issue. Just looking for support and some venting. Makes me feel better that I can speak freely and this is somewhat unanimous. My wife and I have been together for roughly 10 years. Before we got together I always had major crush on her. She's the absolute love of my life. I've always wanted her. Our relationship first started off with the sex being great, it was frequent and there was chemistry, and passion. At some point it slowly dwindled away to maybe once a month to maybe every 3 months to once a year and our longest stretch of 2 years. At that point things started to go array. I was constantly pressuring her for sex and letting her know how unhappy I was. Countless conversations of how sex is a must for me and I cannot live without it. We got passed it and things got slightly better. We got married and it started to go downhill again. I basically have to beg and plead "it'll be quick, we don't even have to do foreplay" just to satisfy the physical need and now it's still about the same. I'm constantly doing everything for her, I cook, I clean, I do dishes, take care of the baby, go food shopping, go get her breakfast. It makes me feel like in unappreciated and although I don't do those things for sex, I can't help but think I'm doing all this for her and yet, she can't change the one thing I need. She claims to have zero sex drive, yet she masturbates, and I have found old liengere from passed relationships. Those two things have taken this whole issue and catapulted it into a wildfire of anxiety for me. Almost daily the progression of thoughts go through my head, why aren't i good enough for her? what is wrong with me? Am I not equipped enough? Do I not last long enough in bed (I do suffer from premature ejaculation, however, I can organs multiple times and stay erect), I must be ugly to her. What did those other guys have that I don't? I must be horrific in bed. These thoughts manifest Alllllllll daaayyyyyy looonnnnggggg... I absolutely LOVE my wife and it's not that i can't live without her, its that I don't want to. We've had multiple conversations about the issue and she always says to lay off the pressure. She says that when I'm walking around miserable all the time, it doesn't make her want me, and if I were to act happy and be nice, things might change. I understand her point, however, it's near impossible for me to slap on a happy face when I feel like that all day. It's such an ugly catch 22. There is basically zero physical contact because she always thinks I'm looking for sex when I'm being physical and for me, I have lost the touch and don't feel comfortable being physical. We have been trying to take things slow these passed 2 months. She's been cuddling more and I've been trying to be happy, but after so long of this, I don't have the patience to move this slow. I need it yesterday, not sox months from now. I'm going against the advice she's giving me cause I can't turn off my testosterone and learn how to be patient. It's a serious rock and hard place. For those who are in a sexless marriage, what remedies have you found that helps with your sexual needs?
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Post by baza on Feb 21, 2018 5:18:12 GMT -5
It reads like the post of a desperate man Brother vwmk5j . There are but 2 ways you can bring the problem of being in an ILIASM shithole to resolution. #1 - is where a seismic shift in both your (and your spouse's) attitude occurs. #2 - is where you vacate the ILIASM shithole environment. #1 - involves two people having the capability of changing. You may have the capability to change your end of the deal - or you may not have that capability. Your spouse may have that capability, or may not have that capability. Resolution #1 is heavily reliant on factors mostly out of your control. In particular your spouses' capability of changing, and that is the glaring weakness in resolution method #1. It is also reliant on YOUR ability to change, and YOU might not have that capability. (You and/or your spouse not having the capability to change pretty much eliminates resolution method #1 as a realistic option) #2 - involves one person - you - and does not involve the assistance, approval or co-operation of your spouse. This method - resolution #2 - you can push through yourself if need be. Getting out of an ILIASM shithole WILL resolve the problem of being in an ILIASM shithole. Guaranteed. But let's back up a little here. Before you even think too much on resolution method #1 or resolution method #2, there is a critical issue to address. That being whether you regard the whole issue of being in an ILIASM shithole critical enough to warrant you going "all in" and being prepared to put the marriage on the line. That is the key question and there is no *correct* answer. Both resolution methods hinge on whether you are prepared to put the marriage on the line. In resolution method #1, your spouse needs to know that there is a serious and credible threat to the marriage, and putting it on the line will certainly get their attention and might also provoke some action. In resolution method #2, it is the sequential action in the case of the failure of resolution method #1. But the cornerstone of all this is whether you are prepared to put the marriage on the line. That's the first thing. If you are prepared to do that, then you CAN resolve your problem. If you are NOT prepared to go all in, and put the marriage on the line, then resolution method #1 and/or resolution method #2 can't work. And that is going to result in you being without any resolution methods at all. Your ILIASM deal IS resolvable........if you are prepared to put the marriage on the line, if you are prepared to run that risk. Footnote Not being prepared to go all in and put the marriage on the line is a perfectly legitimate choice. Indeed I think that just about *everyone* here starts off from that position. Even people who have subsequently resolved their problem of being in an ILIASM shithole - WindSister , shamwow , @bbgirl , northstarmom , greatcoastal , @time4living2 * , and numerous others. *@time4living2 being the most notable case where resolution method #1 worked.
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Post by snowman12345 on Feb 21, 2018 6:26:02 GMT -5
baza is right as usual. You seem to be at what is termed here as the "why" phase. "Why doesn't she want me? I must find that answer so I can "fix" the problem! You will have to come to grips with the fact that the "why" does not matter - the outcome is the same. It sounds as though she likes sex - with herself (and perhaps other people) - just not with you. baza suggests there are two ways to resolve your dilemma: Resolve the issue or leave the issue. There is a third alternative: stay and "cheat". Find someone else to fuck. A time honored method of staying sane while carrying on the façade of a happy, stable marriage. If you read any amount on this forum you will see your choices are clear. Stay and suffer. Stay and cheat. Leave. Which one you pick is up to you and your situation. Good luck to you, I hope you find peace.
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Post by cagedadventurer on Feb 21, 2018 19:25:15 GMT -5
Well contrary to what most clueless counselors and sexless partners claim, no matter how awesome you are and how much you help around the house, you still don't and won't get laid. Change to be whomever you think she needs you to be, but to no avail. You're another example of the perfect domesticated husband. I'm sure you not only can take care of household tasks as you state, but could take down a tree one handed with a chainsaw. Regardless of your "manliness" or gentle displays of love, you are platonic live togethers and do not expect reciprocation. I'm typing from my phone so will keep this short. You will need to leave. Just make plans now and make it happen. You'll live and learn about reset sex, false promises, etc.The sooner the better though. But ultimately, this gets no better. It really does not. And I'm truly an optimistic person about life overall. BTW..no kids?
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Post by Deleted on Feb 21, 2018 19:40:41 GMT -5
While you say you love her, vwmk5j, you haven't said that you know she loves you. Even so, the first thing you need to do is get into counseling with her. There is a big gap in communication right now and that should be worked on before calling up the divorce lawyer. If she refuses to go to counseling, then you have much bigger problems than being sexless.
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Post by ironhamster on Feb 21, 2018 19:41:10 GMT -5
Remedies? Jacking off a lot helped in the most obvious way. Telling myself this was just temporary helped, whether I chose to figure eventually her sexual needs would peak or mine would wane. Neither happened. Trying to figure out her needs helped placate me, but did not change the situation. Realizing the issue was not me, and was never going to get better, led the way to the ultimate remedy.
When a machine is broken, you need to figure out what makes sense. You can fix it, or replace it. Sadly, some things cannot be fixed.
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Post by cagedadventurer on Feb 21, 2018 19:56:45 GMT -5
While counseling is a great move to open communication, unfortinately she has already spoken LOUDLY. 1 retained lingerie 2 masterbation 3 ignores open, honest, heart felt pleas.
Life's too comfortable now and she's just not interested.
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Post by TheGreatContender -aka Daddeeo on Feb 21, 2018 22:03:02 GMT -5
First, welcome to the club that nobody wants to be a part of.
Sorry that you found yourself here but since you are here, we hope you find some good advice and support. Have a look aroud and stay awhile.
Thanks for sharing your story. You have gotten some decent advice so far. In some ways, I saw myself reflected in your story. While Im still in my situation, the dynamics have shifted significantly. Over the course of the past 8 or 9 months, I found my voice here and found validation for the things that I felt. It changed the conversation with my W. After close to 20 years together, I am now mostly it for the kids (the college plan). My W is still trying to process what has changed.
That has been my experience. I hope that you find enlightenment or at least some peace. And of course the banter is always good on this forum.
Feel free to reach out if you have any questions. All the best in this new chapter of your journey.
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Post by lwoetin on Feb 24, 2018 3:00:19 GMT -5
For those who are in a sexless marriage, what remedies have you found that helps with your sexual needs? How about telling her: If you don't have sex with me, then I'll find someone who will. Not sure how that will end up, but just a thought I had.... The manner I'm using is to join a Christian praise and worship group. It's focused on the spirit instead of the flesh. The fellowship and food are nice too.
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Post by tirefire on Feb 24, 2018 9:19:01 GMT -5
First off, welcome! Your userid doesn't roll off the tongue like ironhamster but whatever. 😁 vwmk5j, is that an old model of Volkswagen?
Keep this at the forefront of your thoughts: You only get one life. Every day you are giving up one of your irreplaceable days.
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Post by Deleted on Feb 24, 2018 21:35:32 GMT -5
If I follow, you had a sex life that was great. Then it went bad. Then it got a little better. Then you got married. now you want the sex to be great or at least to exist.
What can I say expect why would you expect her to want to have sex with you when it was clear that she does not want to before you were married....
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Post by ggold on Feb 24, 2018 22:32:05 GMT -5
So sorry you are going through this. It’s all too familiar. You can’t change her. You can try to convince her to go to therapy, go to her Dr to see if there are medical reasons for lack of desire. You can beg, plead, write her letters pouring out your heart and soul. You can continue to be the domesticated, helpful man that your are with chores and with your baby.
Here’s the reality: She May NEVER change. Can you accept this? Can you see yourself living this way for another 10 years?
I have been married almost 25 years. Don’t be me.
You are in a good place here. Good luck!
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Post by obobfla on Feb 25, 2018 1:19:19 GMT -5
Well vwmk5j, after reading your story two or three times, I can think of one thing that helped me that I think would help you greatly - seeing a counselor. I don’t mean a marriage counselor. I mean a personal counselor to help you through the stress of dealing with your life as it is. You are doing everything in the house to please your wife. Not only doesn’t she appreciate it, but she seems to be less interested in you. Right now, you are beating yourself up over it and dropping down into a hole of self-pity. Not only does self-pity make you less desirable to her, it is a very dangerous place to be. Combine self-pity with alcohol or drugs, and you may never leave that hole. Instead of trying to please your wife, make yourself happy. Ever want to learn something new or take up a new hobby? Do it! Take a day trip by yourself. Rent a boat or go horseback riding. Just don’t do it with her. Make yourself so happy that she will think you are having an affair. I suggested counseling not because I think there is something wrong with you, except the fact that you think something is wrong with you. Instead of you determining your self worth, you rely on your wife to set it. Counseling will help you see that you are far better than what your wife sees. I don’t know if it will be enough to save your marriage, but taking control of your own self-worth will at least earn her respect.
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Post by saarinista on Feb 25, 2018 6:15:07 GMT -5
Well vwmk5j, after reading your story two or three times, I can think of one thing that helped me that I think would help you greatly - seeing a counselor. I don’t mean a marriage counselor. I mean a personal counselor to help you through the stress of dealing with your life as it is. You are doing everything in the house to please your wife. Not only doesn’t she appreciate it, but she seems to be less interested in you. Right now, you are beating yourself up over it and dropping down into a hole of self-pity. Not only does self-pity make you less desirable to her, it is a very dangerous place to be. Combine self-pity with alcohol or drugs, and you may never leave that hole. Instead of trying to please your wife, make yourself happy. Ever want to learn something new or take up a new hobby? Do it! Take a day trip by yourself. Rent a boat or go horseback riding. Just don’t do it with her. Make yourself so happy that she will think you are having an affair. I suggested counseling not because I think there is something wrong with you, except the fact that you think something is wrong with you. Instead of you determining your self worth, you rely on your wife to set it. Counseling will help you see that you are far better than what your wife sees. I don’t know if it will be enough to save your marriage, but taking control of your own self-worth will at least earn her respect. Great advice. Make you happy. Don't worry about her. She's being mean. Ugh.
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Post by flounder on Feb 25, 2018 7:46:21 GMT -5
I know all to well the feelings of rejection you feel. Your story is almost identical mine. I too,do most of the housework around the house,although it’s probably because I’m a bit of a perfectionist. On top of 50 + hour work weeks. She does help,and she takes care of the kids more than I. I am thankful that even though she is not very good at being a wife,she is an excellent mother.
I took up a hobby. I like gardening. I play golf a couple times a week,weather permitting. I agree about counseling. Your self esteem takes a big hit in this type of relationship.
Her rejection of you will cause resentment of her.
A good counselor can help you. You have to fix yourself before you can attempt to fix her.
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