Post by surfergirl on Feb 9, 2018 10:48:03 GMT -5
Rarely, do we get to hear the other side, so I thought I'd post Mr. Surfergirl's interactions with me. (I'd call him Surfer Boy, but he doesn't surf.) For those following my story, I filed for divorce, got into therapy, and I'm currently navigating The Reset. I'd like to point out that we've had sex 1.5 times in the last six weeks (which is when I started counting, don't know how long before that). To be fair to him, we've only seen one another one week since Christmas.
Any feedback is helpful to me: I don't want to be a cold-hearted bitch, but actions are the only thing that matter. But how does he do actions if I'm stonewalling him? Do I go a few more rounds? To see if THIS TIME is real?
Mr. SurferGirl writes:
I’m sorry we have not been able to talk these past few days.
I just want to affirm that I love you and that I want to do this, life, marriage, everything, with you.
I think we both want the same things – to be loved, to not be alone. I feel this so deeply. The other night I even clicked on an online dating web site that popped up and tried to enter some fake information and look around because I just want to know that I’m not going to be alone the rest of my life. I’m not looking for someone else - I’m wanting to be with you and I’m wanting to know we are in life together, even if I wasn’t in it with you from the beginning.
I know as I say that I have not been in it with you. There are so many years of hurt and pain that I caused you, but I want to work together on healing. I have a lot of hurt and pain and deficiencies, whether you see that as legitimate or not or as significant as yours or not, it is who I am. And I want to heal with you, together.
I know you feel so much hurt. I know I did that to you. I know we can do this together like we have done so much together over the years.
I love you.
Surfergirl responds:
Thanks for the note.
I’ve felt from the beginning that you are not attracted to me. This is not an accusation, just an acknowledgment of how bad I feel for your struggle. It does not surprise or bother me that you are looking elsewhere. I understand and sympathize. I want you to be happy. I’m not mad; I genuinely care about you. I can understand that you want a companion; I’ve always wanted that too. There is no shame in that.
How about a six month separation with the understanding that you can date? Look around. Go out. Get honest with yourself about what you really want and need. If you decide that you need more time, we can reevaluate then. It does neither of us or our kids any good to continue the charade. They are learning very bad relationship skills by watching us. Did your parents’ perfect marriage help you in your own? That’s what I mean. Our kids deserve to watch both of us relating well to one another and the opposite sex. Our 21 years of very bad and unhealthy interactions have not served them well. The divorce will not hurt them — it’s the unhealthy relating that will hurt them, and we’ve already done that to them. They are already wounded, and there’s no undoing that.
You keep saying, “I have not been in it with you,” and that you need me to work with you now. You always have power and control over yourself. You don’t need me to cooperate be a good, kind guy. Next month, it will be two years since I woke up. I have been in the struggle alone for 19 years and in the struggle together with you for 2 years. Please don’t blame or beg me now that I’m sick of it and unwilling to go another few rounds. 21 years is a very long time.
xoxo.
Mr. SurferGirl replies:
I am so very sorry that you have felt from the beginning that I am not attracted to you. That is a terrible thing, but it is not about a struggle for me – it is about what I’ve done and about how I’ve made you feel. I’ve had issues – but they are not about being attracted to you. I WANT to be with you. I’m asking you to continue to be with me.
I want to be clear about what I was saying in the last email. I was not saying I want to look around. I am not looking to date other people. I don’t want to be with anyone else. What I said was that I want to know I’m not going to be alone the rest of my life. When you say we are done, we have been done for two years, that there was not chance for us and it was all about other things, reputation or kids, it sinks in and I realize what is really going on and I lose hope. I want to be with you, but what I hear you saying is that there is no chance of that, and that is why I get afraid of being alone. But, I don’t want a separation so I can date. I don’t want to date other people. I want to be with you.
I genuinely care about you and I want you to be happy. I want us to be companions. And, I think that the best thing we can teach our kids about relationship skills is bringing us back together - showing them what love looks like – together. Please understand – in saying I want to do this with you – I’m not blaming. I do have the power to control myself and to work on myself. I will do that. I have done that. I continue to do that. I’m also not begging – I’m appealing to what I know we can do together, to what we can be together.
I love you and I want to be with you.
Any feedback is helpful to me: I don't want to be a cold-hearted bitch, but actions are the only thing that matter. But how does he do actions if I'm stonewalling him? Do I go a few more rounds? To see if THIS TIME is real?
Mr. SurferGirl writes:
I’m sorry we have not been able to talk these past few days.
I just want to affirm that I love you and that I want to do this, life, marriage, everything, with you.
I think we both want the same things – to be loved, to not be alone. I feel this so deeply. The other night I even clicked on an online dating web site that popped up and tried to enter some fake information and look around because I just want to know that I’m not going to be alone the rest of my life. I’m not looking for someone else - I’m wanting to be with you and I’m wanting to know we are in life together, even if I wasn’t in it with you from the beginning.
I know as I say that I have not been in it with you. There are so many years of hurt and pain that I caused you, but I want to work together on healing. I have a lot of hurt and pain and deficiencies, whether you see that as legitimate or not or as significant as yours or not, it is who I am. And I want to heal with you, together.
I know you feel so much hurt. I know I did that to you. I know we can do this together like we have done so much together over the years.
I love you.
Surfergirl responds:
Thanks for the note.
I’ve felt from the beginning that you are not attracted to me. This is not an accusation, just an acknowledgment of how bad I feel for your struggle. It does not surprise or bother me that you are looking elsewhere. I understand and sympathize. I want you to be happy. I’m not mad; I genuinely care about you. I can understand that you want a companion; I’ve always wanted that too. There is no shame in that.
How about a six month separation with the understanding that you can date? Look around. Go out. Get honest with yourself about what you really want and need. If you decide that you need more time, we can reevaluate then. It does neither of us or our kids any good to continue the charade. They are learning very bad relationship skills by watching us. Did your parents’ perfect marriage help you in your own? That’s what I mean. Our kids deserve to watch both of us relating well to one another and the opposite sex. Our 21 years of very bad and unhealthy interactions have not served them well. The divorce will not hurt them — it’s the unhealthy relating that will hurt them, and we’ve already done that to them. They are already wounded, and there’s no undoing that.
You keep saying, “I have not been in it with you,” and that you need me to work with you now. You always have power and control over yourself. You don’t need me to cooperate be a good, kind guy. Next month, it will be two years since I woke up. I have been in the struggle alone for 19 years and in the struggle together with you for 2 years. Please don’t blame or beg me now that I’m sick of it and unwilling to go another few rounds. 21 years is a very long time.
xoxo.
Mr. SurferGirl replies:
I am so very sorry that you have felt from the beginning that I am not attracted to you. That is a terrible thing, but it is not about a struggle for me – it is about what I’ve done and about how I’ve made you feel. I’ve had issues – but they are not about being attracted to you. I WANT to be with you. I’m asking you to continue to be with me.
I want to be clear about what I was saying in the last email. I was not saying I want to look around. I am not looking to date other people. I don’t want to be with anyone else. What I said was that I want to know I’m not going to be alone the rest of my life. When you say we are done, we have been done for two years, that there was not chance for us and it was all about other things, reputation or kids, it sinks in and I realize what is really going on and I lose hope. I want to be with you, but what I hear you saying is that there is no chance of that, and that is why I get afraid of being alone. But, I don’t want a separation so I can date. I don’t want to date other people. I want to be with you.
I genuinely care about you and I want you to be happy. I want us to be companions. And, I think that the best thing we can teach our kids about relationship skills is bringing us back together - showing them what love looks like – together. Please understand – in saying I want to do this with you – I’m not blaming. I do have the power to control myself and to work on myself. I will do that. I have done that. I continue to do that. I’m also not begging – I’m appealing to what I know we can do together, to what we can be together.
I love you and I want to be with you.