Psychology Today: Why Unhappy Couples Stay Together
Jan 26, 2018 21:13:51 GMT -5
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Post by northstarmom on Jan 26, 2018 21:13:51 GMT -5
"Taking expectations into account, and not just current level of satisfaction, can help us understand why some people stay in unhappy marriages, while others cut themselves free. The data that Baker and colleagues have collected seems to suggest the following trends:
People tend to leave unhappy marriages when (a) they expect the relationship will not improve, and (b) they expect they can find a better alternative. (“She’s never going to change, and there are plenty of fish in the sea.”)
People tend to stay in unhappy marriages when (a) they expect the relationship will improve, or (b) they expect they can find no better alternative. (“We’d be happy if he’d just stop drinking, and who wants an old housewife like me anyway?”)
Researchers often think of “alternatives” as other potential romantic partners. But it’s also important to factor in a whole array of social issues. For some people, the choice of living alone is better than the married hell they’re going through. For others, a solitary life would be a fate worse than death — and maybe even worse than a loveless marriage.
Despite the social ideal of marriage as a union of soulmates, it’s still at its most basic level an economic arrangement for raising a family. And, so, some unhappy couples do stay together for the sake of the kids. They work out an uneasy truce, such as separate bedrooms or bank accounts, because they view the prospect of divorce and dividing the children between two homes to be an even worse scenario.
Religious attitudes about divorce can also play a role. If I leave my unhappy marriage, my church community may shun me, and I'll lose the only social support I've got. Or I'll be so wracked with guilt about having failed that I couldn't live with myself. Again, in this case the decision to stay or leave is based not on present conditions, but on what’s expected for the future.
Once it’s clear that they won’t be married happily ever after, people evaluate their prospects for the future. If they believe they have a good chance of finding something better, they’re apt to leave and start anew. Perhaps that's why young married couples are much more likely to divorce: They know they’ve still got the goods to compete in the mating market.
But when people can’t envision an alternative that’s better than the unhappy arrangement they’re in, they may stay and try to make the best of a bad situation. These couples find ways to mitigate the strife in their marriage, ending up as housemates rather than soulmates. They may derive little happiness from their relationship, but they don’t expect it, either. And some, perhaps many, still find sufficient happiness from friendships or other activities in their lives."
www.psychologytoday.com/blog/talking-apes/201705/is-why-miserable-couples-stay-together?utm_source=FacebookPost&utm_medium=FBPost&utm_campaign=FBPost
People tend to leave unhappy marriages when (a) they expect the relationship will not improve, and (b) they expect they can find a better alternative. (“She’s never going to change, and there are plenty of fish in the sea.”)
People tend to stay in unhappy marriages when (a) they expect the relationship will improve, or (b) they expect they can find no better alternative. (“We’d be happy if he’d just stop drinking, and who wants an old housewife like me anyway?”)
Researchers often think of “alternatives” as other potential romantic partners. But it’s also important to factor in a whole array of social issues. For some people, the choice of living alone is better than the married hell they’re going through. For others, a solitary life would be a fate worse than death — and maybe even worse than a loveless marriage.
Despite the social ideal of marriage as a union of soulmates, it’s still at its most basic level an economic arrangement for raising a family. And, so, some unhappy couples do stay together for the sake of the kids. They work out an uneasy truce, such as separate bedrooms or bank accounts, because they view the prospect of divorce and dividing the children between two homes to be an even worse scenario.
Religious attitudes about divorce can also play a role. If I leave my unhappy marriage, my church community may shun me, and I'll lose the only social support I've got. Or I'll be so wracked with guilt about having failed that I couldn't live with myself. Again, in this case the decision to stay or leave is based not on present conditions, but on what’s expected for the future.
Once it’s clear that they won’t be married happily ever after, people evaluate their prospects for the future. If they believe they have a good chance of finding something better, they’re apt to leave and start anew. Perhaps that's why young married couples are much more likely to divorce: They know they’ve still got the goods to compete in the mating market.
But when people can’t envision an alternative that’s better than the unhappy arrangement they’re in, they may stay and try to make the best of a bad situation. These couples find ways to mitigate the strife in their marriage, ending up as housemates rather than soulmates. They may derive little happiness from their relationship, but they don’t expect it, either. And some, perhaps many, still find sufficient happiness from friendships or other activities in their lives."
www.psychologytoday.com/blog/talking-apes/201705/is-why-miserable-couples-stay-together?utm_source=FacebookPost&utm_medium=FBPost&utm_campaign=FBPost