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Post by tglenderson on Dec 19, 2017 9:01:30 GMT -5
Hello, I have been following the forum for a little while and decided to post my situation as I would be extremely grateful for your input.
Although I am not married we have been together for 5 and from day one she has never been into having sex. In the 5 years she has never once initiated sex or given any suggestion she is interested.
We have spoke many many times about how it's important for me and us as a couple to bond and how I feel undesired by her lack of affection and ability to always write sex off. She has openly said it's not something that interests her and never has.
We have sex but 90% of the time it's either deferred or declined but we eventually have sex, but it seems pointless when she doesn't want to be there.
I have burried my head in the sand for 5 years as I genuinely love her but have always said that I feel that we are more like flat mates as we rarely have Sex and when we do it's all me.
We are currently seeking counselling although I can't see anything changing as 6 weeks in we are no further.
What do I do, as I know I can't continue with someone love term who never wants to have sex and is uninterested (she has even told me that if she never had sex again it wouldn't bother her) I know she loves me which makes it so much harder, as I don't want to leaver her but I can't see an alternative.
Thanks for any replies.
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Post by hopingforachange on Dec 19, 2017 9:08:37 GMT -5
As someone married with the SM shit going on, it only gets worse over time. Get out now while you are not married and don't have any kids. If she attempts a reset sex period, make sure you use condoms that have been with you the entire time.
Manipulation and trapping spouses is not above many of the spouses here. The last thing you want is to be on the edge of leaving and have her bring in the test with the "+" sign.
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Post by M2G on Dec 19, 2017 9:17:10 GMT -5
Ditto what hopingforachange said - get out before you have a marriage, financial entanglements, kids and no sex for 10's to 20's of years. You two sound totally incompatible in the sex drive department. Do some reading here, and you will see how many trapped men and women will tell you: "I should have seen this coming, all the signs were there." Both you and your partner need to find others who share the same importance/unimportance as each of you, when it comes to intamacy. It will not change if you get married.
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Post by tglenderson on Dec 19, 2017 9:18:57 GMT -5
Thanks for your response.
The difficult thing is she is amazing in every other way. This is the only issue we have.
I struggle to comprehend how you wouldn't want to have Sex with someone you love.
Would leaving someone who is so perfect in every other way be reasonable? I ask as although it gets me down when imagine being with someone else I feel they wouldn't be as perfect but may have a higher sex drive - is it worth the trade off!?
I feel isolated, rejected and undesired - and that ultimately we are flat mates - perhaps ending it is the thing to do?
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Post by bballgirl on Dec 19, 2017 9:26:18 GMT -5
See if she will open it up or just be friends and date others. It doesn't get better in terms of sex.
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Post by M2G on Dec 19, 2017 9:57:57 GMT -5
Thanks for your response. The difficult thing is she is amazing in every other way. This is the only issue we have. I struggle to comprehend how you wouldn't want to have Sex with someone you love. Would leaving someone who is so perfect in every other way be reasonable? I ask as although it gets me down when imagine being with someone else I feel they wouldn't be as perfect but may have a higher sex drive - is it worth the trade off!? I feel isolated, rejected and undesired - and that ultimately we are flat mates - perhaps ending it is the thing to do? I hear you tglenderson - My W is one of the most intelligent, wise, strong, helpful and giving people I've ever known. We've been together since 1980. My best friend in the world. Sex at the beginning was amazing as well. But - we haven't had regular sex for about 20 years - no sex at all in the past 6. Is that what you want out of a marital relationship? Certainly no one here would fault you on that choice. Just be clear headed about what that means going forward to the end of your days...
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Post by tglenderson on Dec 19, 2017 10:28:31 GMT -5
Thanks for your response. The difficult thing is she is amazing in every other way. This is the only issue we have. I struggle to comprehend how you wouldn't want to have Sex with someone you love. Would leaving someone who is so perfect in every other way be reasonable? I ask as although it gets me down when imagine being with someone else I feel they wouldn't be as perfect but may have a higher sex drive - is it worth the trade off!? I feel isolated, rejected and undesired - and that ultimately we are flat mates - perhaps ending it is the thing to do? I hear you tglenderson - My W is one of the most intelligent, wise, strong, helpful and giving people I've ever known. We've been together since 1980. My best friend in the world. Sex at the beginning was amazing as well. But - we haven't had regular sex for about 20 years - no sex at all in the past 6. Is that what you want out of a marital relationship? Certainly no one here would fault you on that choice. Just be clear headed about what that means going forward to the end of your days... I presume from your answer you are still married to your wife? If so, how do you cope with the isolation and lack of desire, is this something that you learn to live with? Also I just wanted to check that my longing for being desired by my partner and wishing she wanted Sex with me is normal and not something that typically lasts for the "honey moon phase"? I ask as I'm concerned that if I left this relationship I would be leaving something which is quite common over time ie interest in sex dying out?
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Post by M2G on Dec 19, 2017 10:36:07 GMT -5
Still married and sex is more a thing to learn to live without, than live with. It's on my mind constantly. It eats into my soul every day.
Haven't outsourced but think about it all the time. Never found the right AP -mostly because I'm not actively looking.
Got lots of other issues too that really aren't really pertinent to you guys, in your relationship as described above.
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Post by wastedyears on Dec 19, 2017 10:43:29 GMT -5
Thanks for your response. The difficult thing is she is amazing in every other way. This is the only issue we have. I struggle to comprehend how you wouldn't want to have Sex with someone you love. Would leaving someone who is so perfect in every other way be reasonable? I ask as although it gets me down when imagine being with someone else I feel they wouldn't be as perfect but may have a higher sex drive - is it worth the trade off!? I feel isolated, rejected and undesired - and that ultimately we are flat mates - perhaps ending it is the thing to do? I think it is perfectly reasonable to expect to spend your life with someone you are sexually compatible with. The feelings of loneliness and rejection do not go away with time, they only get worse. You may learn to "live with it", but not in the comfortable, easy way that you think. In order to live with it, you have to deny a part of yourself. You have to change who you are. It is something that will plague you every single day.
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Post by hopingforachange on Dec 19, 2017 10:51:20 GMT -5
My marriage in the being was great, except for the sex, but it was like taking poison every night, it slowly buried me alive.
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Post by james on Dec 19, 2017 11:37:25 GMT -5
Hi tglenderson I am sorry you have found yourself here, welcome all the same. The things that your partner is saying make me concerned that she is asexual. Others on this site might make the point that all we know for sure is that she lacks sexual desire *for you* but in practical terms it makes little difference. If you try the thought experiment of imagining yourself having sex with a man twice a week for the rest of your life (assuming you are not bisexual lol), that might give you some idea of the chances of your partner becoming an enthusiastic participant in your sex life anytime soon. The other point to make is that your desire for a fulfilling sex life will *not* go away, if anything it will get worse. Or perhaps to be more specific, your desire for sex will likely remain about the same, but what will gradually go is your preparedness to put up with an asexual existence. I think that you are possibly in the relatively unusual position amongst individuals on this site of knowing exactly where your partner stands on the issue. Given that neither of you is capable of changing how you feel (you can take that as a given), then the only question is: what are you going to do about it? Staying for kids is a common theme here. You don't seem to have that problem. Might be a good plan to accept that you are incompatible and move on.
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Post by rejected101 on Dec 19, 2017 12:06:24 GMT -5
Hello, I have been following the forum for a little while and decided to post my situation as I would be extremely grateful for your input. Although I am not married we have been together for 5 and from day one she has never been into having sex. In the 5 years she has never once initiated sex or given any suggestion she is interested. We have spoke many many times about how it's important for me and us as a couple to bond and how I feel undesired by her lack of affection and ability to always write sex off. She has openly said it's not something that interests her and never has. We have sex but 90% of the time it's either deferred or declined but we eventually have sex, but it seems pointless when she doesn't want to be there. I have burried my head in the sand for 5 years as I genuinely love her but have always said that I feel that we are more like flat mates as we rarely have Sex and when we do it's all me. We are currently seeking counselling although I can't see anything changing as 6 weeks in we are no further. What do I do, as I know I can't continue with someone love term who never wants to have sex and is uninterested (she has even told me that if she never had sex again it wouldn't bother her) I know she loves me which makes it so much harder, as I don't want to leaver her but I can't see an alternative. Thanks for any replies. You are not married, that’s a bonus as there’s no paperwork or cost. No children together? If that’s the case, leave her. That’s a little harsh sounding but you have to love yourself as well as your partner. Your happiness counts too! What you haven’t said is how often you are expecting sex not how often it happens.
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Post by rejected101 on Dec 19, 2017 12:08:34 GMT -5
My marriage in the being was great, except for the sex, but it was like taking poison every night, it slowly buried me alive. Great analogy! Small amounts of poison each night. Not enough to kill outright but taken over a number of years, it destroys you.
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Post by northstarmom on Dec 19, 2017 12:18:28 GMT -5
“What do I do, as I know I can't continue with someone love term who never wants to have sex and is uninterested (she has even told me that if she never had sex again it wouldn't bother her) I know she loves me which makes it so much harder, as I don't want to leaver her but I can't see an alternative. “
She is only capable of loving you like a sister or mother would love you. You would not try to romantically live with your mom or sister. It is just as impossible and time wasting to attempt that with your current girlfriend. At best, she and you can be close friends. You will never be compatible lovers.
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Post by rejected101 on Dec 19, 2017 12:37:16 GMT -5
“What do I do, as I know I can't continue with someone love term who never wants to have sex and is uninterested (she has even told me that if she never had sex again it wouldn't bother her) I know she loves me which makes it so much harder, as I don't want to leaver her but I can't see an alternative. “ She is only capable of loving you like a sister or mother would love you. You would not try to romantically live with your mom or sister. It is just as impossible and time wasting to attempt that with your current girlfriend. At best, she and you can be close friends. You will never be compatible lovers. Excellent answer found above!
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