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Post by tglenderson on Dec 19, 2017 12:50:29 GMT -5
Hello, I have been following the forum for a little while and decided to post my situation as I would be extremely grateful for your input. Although I am not married we have been together for 5 and from day one she has never been into having sex. In the 5 years she has never once initiated sex or given any suggestion she is interested. We have spoke many many times about how it's important for me and us as a couple to bond and how I feel undesired by her lack of affection and ability to always write sex off. She has openly said it's not something that interests her and never has. We have sex but 90% of the time it's either deferred or declined but we eventually have sex, but it seems pointless when she doesn't want to be there. I have burried my head in the sand for 5 years as I genuinely love her but have always said that I feel that we are more like flat mates as we rarely have Sex and when we do it's all me. We are currently seeking counselling although I can't see anything changing as 6 weeks in we are no further. What do I do, as I know I can't continue with someone love term who never wants to have sex and is uninterested (she has even told me that if she never had sex again it wouldn't bother her) I know she loves me which makes it so much harder, as I don't want to leaver her but I can't see an alternative. Thanks for any replies. You are not married, that’s a bonus as there’s no paperwork or cost. No children together? If that’s the case, leave her. That’s a little harsh sounding but you have to love yourself as well as your partner. Your happiness counts too! What you haven’t said is how often you are expecting sex not how often it happens. You are right, I should consider my own happiness too. In terms of how often I expect it - I am very compromising. However it's less a case of how often and more a case of her not wanting it but still having it. It's disheartening to first have to almost beg then once she agrees to know she doesn't want to be there. I don't mind how much we have sex, I just don't like that she has no interest in sex and is only doing it to keep me please me - ultimately it's not pleasant to have sex with someone who would rather not be there.
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Post by Apocrypha on Dec 19, 2017 14:30:51 GMT -5
The difficult thing is she is amazing in every other way. This is the only issue we have. I struggle to comprehend how you wouldn't want to have Sex with someone you love. Would leaving someone who is so perfect in every other way be reasonable? I ask as although it gets me down when imagine being with someone else I feel they wouldn't be as perfect but may have a higher sex drive - is it worth the trade off!? I feel isolated, rejected and undesired - and that ultimately we are flat mates - perhaps ending it is the thing to do? What are you ending that hasn't already ended, or that never existed? You imagine about being with someone else, but you feel they wouldn't be as "perfect". Perhaps not as perfect as this person who isn't into you, but as great a person as she is, she's not into you that way. You aren't with her. She doesn't desire you. You say that you can't comprehend how you wouldn't want sex with someone you love, but you know that isn't true. Consider your mother, father, sister, child, dog, a close roommate, coworker, or your best friend. I'm sure she has many laudable qualities, just as you say, but this one isn't into you. Think of someone who might have wanted you, but you did not reciprocate - that's how she feels about you. If she wanted you, you'd find a way to have sex, even if it was difficult. Your feeling isolated, rejected, and undesired is an accurate reflection of your present situation. That doesn't mean she doesn't love you or appreciate the other benefits of your association including your intimate friendship and company. In fact, she's probably just as afraid as you are of losing those other benefits and that's why she isn't walking away - same as you. You don't have a sexual relationship with a person who desires you, so what exactly would you be ending? The pretense?
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Post by ironhamster on Dec 19, 2017 17:05:17 GMT -5
There is not much I can add. What is the essence of my experience has already been shared by those in similar situations. If I had it to do over again, I would have gotten out early.
Go back to "friends" status. That is something she can be good at. If she cannot accept that, break it off completely. This sexual connection will never get better. It will make you far more miserable in the long run than ending now something that should not be.
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Post by shamwow on Dec 19, 2017 18:17:17 GMT -5
Hello, I have been following the forum for a little while and decided to post my situation as I would be extremely grateful for your input. Although I am not married we have been together for 5 and from day one she has never been into having sex. In the 5 years she has never once initiated sex or given any suggestion she is interested. We have spoke many many times about how it's important for me and us as a couple to bond and how I feel undesired by her lack of affection and ability to always write sex off. She has openly said it's not something that interests her and never has. We have sex but 90% of the time it's either deferred or declined but we eventually have sex, but it seems pointless when she doesn't want to be there. I have burried my head in the sand for 5 years as I genuinely love her but have always said that I feel that we are more like flat mates as we rarely have Sex and when we do it's all me. We are currently seeking counselling although I can't see anything changing as 6 weeks in we are no further. What do I do, as I know I can't continue with someone love term who never wants to have sex and is uninterested (she has even told me that if she never had sex again it wouldn't bother her) I know she loves me which makes it so much harder, as I don't want to leaver her but I can't see an alternative. Thanks for any replies. Well, it isn't a bait and switch kind of thing. No bait. If enforced celibacy isn't your thing (for some it's OK), my advice is to run while you can. For the love of God do not have children with this person. You are dating someone who essentially asexual. You cannot force desire in another person. Especially someone who is not sexual in the first place. No kids? No ring? Bothered enough that you ended up here and posted? Yup. Run.
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Post by baza on Dec 19, 2017 18:29:14 GMT -5
In my jurisdiction, if you have been co-habitating for 5 years as you say, the law regards you as in effect being married with all the rights and obligations that go with it.
So I would suggest you consult a lawyer in your jurisdiction to establish what implications there might be for you.
Once you have done that, then proceed in orderly fashion toward the exit, do not pass go and do not collect $200
Then, conducting a full autopsy on the deal would be a good idea, to learn what you can out of the experience, in particular your own role in what happened, and put it into the memory bank so whatever errors of judgement you may have made are not repeated "next time".
And good luck for "next time".
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Post by shamwow on Dec 19, 2017 20:38:53 GMT -5
In my jurisdiction, if you have been co-habitating for 5 years as you say, the law regards you as in effect being married with all the rights and obligations that go with it. So I would suggest you consult a lawyer in your jurisdiction to establish what implications there might be for you. Once you have done that, then proceed in orderly fashion toward the exit, do not pass go and do not collect $200 Then, conducting a full autopsy on the deal would be a good idea, to learn what you can out of the experience, in particular your own role in what happened, and put it into the memory bank so whatever errors of judgement you may have made are not repeated "next time". And good luck for "next time". Good point baza.
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Post by Deleted on Dec 19, 2017 23:15:39 GMT -5
Hello, I have been following the forum for a little while and decided to post my situation as I would be extremely grateful for your input. Although I am not married we have been together for 5 and from day one she has never been into having sex. In the 5 years she has never once initiated sex or given any suggestion she is interested. We have spoke many many times about how it's important for me and us as a couple to bond and how I feel undesired by her lack of affection and ability to always write sex off. She has openly said it's not something that interests her and never has. We have sex but 90% of the time it's either deferred or declined but we eventually have sex, but it seems pointless when she doesn't want to be there. I have burried my head in the sand for 5 years as I genuinely love her but have always said that I feel that we are more like flat mates as we rarely have Sex and when we do it's all me. We are currently seeking counselling although I can't see anything changing as 6 weeks in we are no further. What do I do, as I know I can't continue with someone love term who never wants to have sex and is uninterested (she has even told me that if she never had sex again it wouldn't bother her) I know she loves me which makes it so much harder, as I don't want to leaver her but I can't see an alternative. Thanks for any replies. all I can think is "why would you be with her"... I got nothing else..... Save
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Post by wom360 on Dec 20, 2017 0:41:06 GMT -5
Knowing what you know, if you go forward and marry her the result will be your own damn fault. You’ve been very adequately warned. The result if you stay is on you.
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Post by DryCreek on Dec 20, 2017 2:45:13 GMT -5
tglenderson, don't do it! Run, for your own sanity. No joke. Cut your losses. She can be the "perfect" friend; she'll never be a spouse. I'm in a similar situation. No bait, no switch. It never made it into gear. 2 years in, I hit my breaking point, but stayed. That was 25 years ago. It does not get better, it only gets worse, and it takes you down with it - self esteem, confidence, passion for life. And leaving gets progressively harder / more painful / more expensive. I didn't have the benefit of a forum like this, or even an awareness that anyone else was even experiencing the same issue. It wasn't for more than two decades that I learned about asexuality and discovered that I wasn't the reason our intimacy was broken. There. Is. No. Coke.
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Post by james on Dec 20, 2017 3:46:42 GMT -5
Ha ha! Love it!!
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Post by elkclan2 on Dec 20, 2017 5:59:03 GMT -5
Thanks for your response. The difficult thing is she is amazing in every other way. This is the only issue we have. I struggle to comprehend how you wouldn't want to have Sex with someone you love. Would leaving someone who is so perfect in every other way be reasonable? I ask as although it gets me down when imagine being with someone else I feel they wouldn't be as perfect but may have a higher sex drive - is it worth the trade off!? I feel isolated, rejected and undesired - and that ultimately we are flat mates - perhaps ending it is the thing to do? You struggle to understand how you wouldn't want to have sex with someone you love. SHE struggles to understand why you'd want to impose that kind of activity on someone you love. Some people are sex people who want and need to have a physical expression to romantic love and some people are not. Yes, leaving someone who makes you feel isolated, rejected and undesired is ENTIRELY reasonable. You may or may not find the perfect partner who has all the other characteristics your current partner has and still wants sex. You may find someone who is not quite so perfect, but who desires you and you WILL think it's a worthwhile trade-off. I regret marrying someone who could not desire me or fuck me as I wanted and needed. I stuck with it for way, way too long and it poisoned all the other 'perfect' aspects of our relationship (in retrospect they weren't so perfect, but there you go). The end of our relationship was filled with bitterness and resentment and anger and we have a child and property and legal divorce to contend with. On the upside, since getting out, I have found a wonderful partner who loves sex and is better than my previous partner in every way but one. (The new one is a bit of a picky eater...but I can live with this - this one at least eats something the other one wouldn't touch)
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Post by csl on Dec 20, 2017 17:03:38 GMT -5
Thanks for your response. The difficult thing is she is amazing in every other way. This is the only issue we have. I struggle to comprehend how you wouldn't want to have Sex with someone you love. Would leaving someone who is so perfect in every other way be reasonable? I ask as although it gets me down when imagine being with someone else I feel they wouldn't be as perfect but may have a higher sex drive - is it worth the trade off!? I feel isolated, rejected and undesired - and that ultimately we are flat mates - perhaps ending it is the thing to do? unlike most others here on ILIASM, you are legally unencumbered. The emotional encumbrance? Pfff! Question - is this woman the only amazing woman in the world? Are there no other women in the world whom you might be able to see as perfect? Listen closely to the words in Tim Minchin's If I Didn't Have You.
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Post by Frustrated1978 on Dec 20, 2017 19:52:33 GMT -5
Your choices are very clear stay and accept the situation for what it is or make plans to leave. Both choices might seem pretty shitty now but long term one gives you the chance of happiness.
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