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Post by jag2020 on Dec 3, 2017 11:12:02 GMT -5
My husband and I have been married 21 years ...like many others sex dwindled over the years...it's been almost a year now with out any sex to include penetration and or ' fooling around' to gratify the other. We hold hands, kiss, hug, send loving messages throughout the work day. I desire sex with the man I live so dearly. We talk about this often, he is 53 and started having problems at about age 38 with ED. Right after our now 16 year old was born. He has been to doctor's has had testosterone checked it's normal. He does have high cholesterol ( as a cardiac RN I understand the implications this can have on blood flow) he us not over wt no high boots, no diabetes. Some times ED meds work other times they don't. I suspect it is physical and psychological. I love him..but I am truly grieving at the loss of intimacy with the man I love so much. I don't know what to do..anyone have any suggestions...?? Thanks for reading
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Post by M2G on Dec 3, 2017 12:10:51 GMT -5
Welcome Jag and sorry you ended up here.
Given that your H wants to have relations with you and has actively sought professional medical assistance and medication, have you guys looked into counselling?
Sometimes (and bear in mind I'm NOT a licensed anything) issues from the past, even childhood, can rear their ugly heads for the first time at any age. Your problem seems to have started at a major life event (birth of your child). At that moment, you became a not just a wife but a Mother.
Again, I am not qualified to diagnose anything but from what you've written that rings a slight bell for me. Could be nothing at all, but a (good) counselor may be able help you guys (alone or separately) to help dig up some answers.
I googled this phrase and quite a lot of stuff comes up: "husband won't have sex with wife following childbirth"
Hope this helps a little.
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Post by jag2020 on Dec 3, 2017 12:16:09 GMT -5
We have talked about counseling.. wouldn't know where to begin to find a good one..thanks for your comments I agree..
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Post by hopingforachange on Dec 3, 2017 12:38:49 GMT -5
To find a good councilor for both of you, takes trail and error.
Penises are fickle things. If your mind stops your arrosal or worries about having ED issues, then no amount of meds will make him rise to the occasion. Stress can be a big issue.
Does he still get the morning erections? If so, talk with him and see if you can try to pleasure him or have sex then. That way his brain isn't in the way of his head.
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Post by takestwototango on Dec 3, 2017 17:16:04 GMT -5
I am right there with you, jag2020. I love my husband dearly, but he says he has no desire. Oh, he finds me attractive, doesn't want me outsourcing, but I had to practically force him to have his t-level checked, which were very normal (he is 52) and his doctor is making him take a stress test this week to make sure he is physically "up to" having sex. He cancelled his testing for t-level twice, until I made the appointment and actually went with him. I can't go to the stress test with him as I just started a new job and can't take the time off, so I'm waiting for him to come up with an excuse before tomorrow morning. Maybe he will actually make it! My bet is that, physically, he is absolutely fine. His ED is all in his head. It's funny, because just last year he was always saying how ED is mainly caused by watching porn. Then it happened to him. He swears he's not watching it, though, but I don't know. He is very smart when it comes to deleting information from his computer & phone, so...
I have signed myself up for counseling starting in January (they were THAT booked up!) and he says he will go to couples counseling when I am ready. Problem: I'm ready to end the entire relationship most days. Being in a sexless marriage is mentally and emotionally taxing on a person. I believe I've already had a nervous breakdown and had thoughts of suicide, but I was able to get past it on my own. I realize, though, that I still need therapy for myself first. If I am still feeling love for him by that point, I will ask him to go with me for the couples counseling. It is the only thing that will save us, I believe.
So, at least get the counseling for yourself first, and if he wants to join in for couples therapy, do that as well. I hope it works out for you. Whatever happens, you have found your way to a great group of people who understand what you are going through. I'm so glad I found this place. I thought I was the only woman in the world whose husband did not want to have sex with her! Sadly, I am not, and I see more and more women joining since I found my way here. Not exactly glad that we have to be here, but glad there are those out there who understand!
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Post by baza on Dec 3, 2017 17:22:51 GMT -5
Any possible resolution for *his* issue has to be driven by *him*. And on what you have divulged so far Sister jag2020 , it doesn't look like he is much interested in pursuing that line, apart from seeing a Doctor, once. You speculate that it "is physical and psychological" He doesn't appear to be doing much speculating or chasing answers to his issue, and if he is not interested in identifying and treating that, then *you* have an intractable problem. You might be able to put a bomb under his arse to "persuade" him to seek treatment, or maybe you can cajole or berate or otherwise manipulate him into seeking treatment. That really depends on just how far and how hard you are prepared to push it. But using coercion does not have a great record in sustainable change. If the motivation is not coming from within himself, then you probably have an impasse on your hands. And that, raises a whole new raft of difficult questions.
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Post by DryCreek on Dec 3, 2017 21:57:21 GMT -5
We have talked about counseling.. wouldn't know where to begin to find a good one..thanks for your comments I agree.. www.aasect.org - it's a starting point.
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Post by james on Dec 4, 2017 3:58:57 GMT -5
My sympathies to you, jag2020, I am sorry you have ended up here. Welcome, though. We will try to help if we can. You will find this to be a very supportive network.
One of the things that comes up frequently on this forum is that trying to figure out 'why' your husband is like this is unlikely to prove to be a fruitful line of enquiry. In the unlikely event that you do figure out exactly why he is like this, it probably won't be a great help to you. After such a long period of sexlessness, the reasons start to become irrelevant, the intractability is the issue, and the likelihood of turning it round diminishes very significantly - see the currently ongoing thread of that name.
As you are learning, it becomes very corrosive to the soul to be trapped in a sexless relationship with a spouse whom you love. Unfortunately, my own experience and that of others on this site is that this feeling of corrosion does *not* go away over time- it gets worse, with the likely ultimate outcome that your feelings of love for your spouse will diminish and eventually disappear. I think that that is the common factor that brings people together on this site: we live in sexless relationships that we are desperate to change, but our partners are not interested in helping us. The lack of interest continues even in the face of threats of, and actual, leaving. That is why you will find a lot of dicussion about separation on this site.
Good luck to you, stay in touch. Hugs.
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tsm
Junior Member
Posts: 44
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Post by tsm on Dec 4, 2017 5:46:42 GMT -5
Spot on
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Post by lwoetin on Dec 5, 2017 1:53:29 GMT -5
Does he feel any guilt in seeing you miserable? You will need to make him realize how important intimacy is to you. Hopefully he will be a loving husband and help you feel better.
I told my wife that I have come to the conclusion that we need more romance. She replied, romaine lettuce? Ughhh....
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Post by northstarmom on Dec 5, 2017 6:11:18 GMT -5
“Does he feel any guilt in seeing you miserable? You will need to make him realize how important intimacy is to you. Hopefully he will be a loving husband and help you feel better. I told my wife that I have come to the conclusion that we need more romance. She replied, romaine lettuce? Ughhh....”
You are making the mistake most refused do: you think your refuser cares about your happiness. She doesn’t. You can’t make her. You can care enough about your own happiness to take actions to be happy. Those actions don’t depend on changing your refuser. You can’t change your refuser. You can’t make someone love you. You can choose to let go of a one sided love.
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Deleted
Deleted Member
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Post by Deleted on Dec 5, 2017 12:52:15 GMT -5
“Does he feel any guilt in seeing you miserable? You will need to make him realize how important intimacy is to you. Hopefully he will be a loving husband and help you feel better. I told my wife that I have come to the conclusion that we need more romance. She replied, romaine lettuce? Ughhh....” You are making the mistake most refused do: you think your refuser cares about your happiness. She doesn’t. You can’t make her. You can care enough about your own happiness to take actions to be happy. Those actions don’t depend on changing your refuser. You can’t change your refuser. You can’t make someone love you. You can choose to let go of a one sided love. This is the most accurate and, perhaps, most important thing ever written here. The 900 lb. gorilla in the room is always that we (the "unloved") have left our happiness in someone else's control. That is both the problem and the solution. It's not that I still don't wish for a better sex life but I stopped putting my happiness in my spouse's hands a long time ago. It's key to moving forward and making a decision. At a minimum, it's key to taking back your life from the bitter cycle of sm-low self esteem. As always, well stated northstarmom.
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Post by Dan on Dec 5, 2017 13:00:57 GMT -5
I told my wife that I have come to the conclusion that we need more romance. She replied, romaine lettuce? Romance, romaine lettuce. Romaine lettuce, romance. Why choose? Maybe your wife wants to declare her love for her favorite greens. I suggest you get her this for Christmas: Or maybe you should dress like this, and ask her to dive in:
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Post by tirefire on Dec 5, 2017 18:11:45 GMT -5
Welcome, jag2020. I hope you make it through the phases of SM faster than I am. All the whys, what could I do to fix this, how could I convince my partner to want sex, and on and on. Every day that you spend doing this is another of the precious days of your life you'll never get back. That's how I've begun seeing this mess.
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Post by lwoetin on Dec 6, 2017 2:56:11 GMT -5
I told my wife that I have come to the conclusion that we need more romance. She replied, romaine lettuce? Romance, romaine lettuce. Romaine lettuce, romance. Why choose? Maybe your wife wants to declare her love for her favorite greens. I suggest you get her this for Christmas: Or maybe you should dress like this, and ask her to dive in: the squash looking thing might scare her away.
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