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Post by M2G on Dec 1, 2017 12:15:31 GMT -5
I used to hunger for touch and hugs. I never did get any, but it brings back a memory of walking down an aisle in a store, one Christmas. I stopped suddenly, not realizing there was a bear of a man behind me. He managed to stop himself banging right into me, but his huge muscular arms were almost around me. For a split second, that “almost hug” took my breath away. It was the closest I’d been to being in the arms of a man in 20-years. I looked up at him. He was very attractive, but much younger than me. We both said sorry, and he went on his way. I stood there looking at him go, still feeling, still imagining what it would be like to have a man like that hold me. It’s a sad way to live a life, yearning for touch. That was years ago, and I still haven’t been touched, and the thought of being touched makes me recoil. Strange how you go too long without, and it reverses on you. A defense mechanism against the pain of it, maybe. Wow - for some reason that one really hit home with a shiver that was half joy and half pain and close to tears. Was like I was watching it happen like the end of a love story that ended badly for the wrong reasons. Not at the place yet that I would recoil though, but for sure I have huge reservations about performance. How does one deal with all of the resentment and anguish, to be able to forget all that and enjoy the experience? What if my refuser decided to initiate, and I couldn't perform, giving her another reason to refuse like: "really? you've been pestering me for 6 years and now you can't even get it up?" What a twisted position to be in.
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Post by Caris on Dec 1, 2017 12:43:31 GMT -5
I used to hunger for touch and hugs. I never did get any, but it brings back a memory of walking down an aisle in a store, one Christmas. I stopped suddenly, not realizing there was a bear of a man behind me. He managed to stop himself banging right into me, but his huge muscular arms were almost around me. For a split second, that “almost hug” took my breath away. It was the closest I’d been to being in the arms of a man in 20-years. I looked up at him. He was very attractive, but much younger than me. We both said sorry, and he went on his way. I stood there looking at him go, still feeling, still imagining what it would be like to have a man like that hold me. It’s a sad way to live a life, yearning for touch. That was years ago, and I still haven’t been touched, and the thought of being touched makes me recoil. Strange how you go too long without, and it reverses on you. A defense mechanism against the pain of it, maybe. Wow - for some reason that one really hit home with a shiver that was half joy and half pain and close to tears. Was like I was watching it happen like the end of a love story that ended badly for the wrong reasons. Not at the place yet that I would recoil though, but for sure I have huge reservations about performance. How does one deal with all of the resentment and anguish, to be able to forget all that and enjoy the experience? What if my refuser decided to initiate, and I couldn't perform, giving her another reason to refuse like: "really? you've been pestering me for 6 years and now you can't even get it up?" What a twisted position to be in. You probably won’t be at the place where you recoil. It doesn’t happen to most going by all the posts I’ve read over the years. I have PTSD from all the trauma in my life, but I do believe it’s the being old and unattractive that now has me recoil, not the PTSD. My husband told me I was ugly, although I was very attractive for most of my life, and compliments were numerous, but I lost that with age and stress, so the thought of a man touching this older body is now repugnant to me. My heart still needs love and affection, but without being attractive, I’ll never get it, and if a man does show interest in me, I think he’s either making fun of me, or must be something wrong with him. Have you considered that you may no longer want your refuser, sexually? Reject someone enough, and poor performance would be a natural consequence. Kick a dog too many times, and it will be scared to get close to you, so your fears are normal, and should she ever say that to you, then it proves how unkind she is to you. Is that who you want, someone who is unkind to you?
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Post by northstarmom on Dec 1, 2017 13:10:21 GMT -5
“My heart still needs love and affection, but without being attractive, I’ll never get it, and if a man does show interest in me, I think he’s either making fun of me...”
How do you explain to yourself the fact that most people in the world are average or worse looking yet every day you see and hear about such people — including those older than you- who have loving partners?
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Post by M2G on Dec 1, 2017 15:05:07 GMT -5
My husband told me I was ugly, although I was very attractive for most of my life, and compliments were numerous, but I lost that with age and stress, so the thought of a man touching this older body is now repugnant to me. My heart still needs love and affection, but without being attractive, I’ll never get it, and if a man does show interest in me, I think he’s either making fun of me, or must be something wrong with him. Not ever, in all of my married life, however heated the argument have I ever in my wildest fits of assholeishness ever criticized the way my wife looks. That's verbal abuse of the worst kind, designed to keep you under control and afraid to leave because "no one else would want you." I am so sorry this happened to you - you did not deserve that kind of treatment from anyone. What's ugly, is the way your H speaks to you, demeans you and insults you. This has nothing to do with your appearance and everything to do with your H using hateful comments to keep you under control, passive, and afraid to leave. If you're interested in a start to healing, I would suggest this book: "The Emotionally Abusive Relationship" by Beverly Engel. Damn, that's harsh. I wish you all the best.
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Post by Caris on Dec 1, 2017 18:05:15 GMT -5
M2G, Thank you. It was cruel, and it kept me from going out of the house for years. It’s only recently, I’ve started mixing with other people again. I believed I should not be seen in public, and basically gave up. My husband (ex) died 6-months ago, and I miss him terribly. Go figure that one, but it’s true. Familiarity and history are thicker than common sense for some of us. He didn’t want me, but I believe he’s the only one who would have me, especially now in my early 60s. I’m seeing a therapist for PTSD from decades of mental and emotional cruelty, and working on my own wellbeing, which I’ve done for years. It’s been a long road, and I have a long road before me, but I’ve also made great strides even before I saw my therapist, which only started a few weeks ago.
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Post by Caris on Dec 1, 2017 18:29:07 GMT -5
“My heart still needs love and affection, but without being attractive, I’ll never get it, and if a man does show interest in me, I think he’s either making fun of me...” How do you explain to yourself the fact that most people in the world are average or worse looking yet every day you see and hear about such people — including those older than you- who have loving partners? I can’t explain it. I only know what it’s like for me. However, given that 2-5 years ago, I struggled to get out of the door, and would go days without groceries I needed, just to avoid being seen in public, and now I am going out in mixed company, though I can only take so much of that, and still need plenty of time alone, it’s far removed from where I started, and I’ve only had a therapist for a few weeks, so now I have some help. (Good Lord, that was a long sentence). I am also more accepting of how I look, but still don’t like it, and still wouldn’t let a man touch me, even if there was one who wanted to, which I don’t think there is. Any time I think of a man touching me, my husband’s distaste of me comes to my mind. Maybe one day, I’ll be healed of that, but given I don’t find my old self attractive, and I’m growing older every day, I’m not holding much hope for that, but life is hard without touch, affection, and love. I want to live again rather than exist, and I don’t know what that looks like, but with the help of my therapist, and my own efforts, I am endeavoring to do that with or without love and affection.
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Post by northstarmom on Dec 1, 2017 19:15:35 GMT -5
Caris,you have made a lot of progress over the years. Have you considered enjoying the unconditional love of a pet?
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Post by M2G on Dec 1, 2017 23:34:15 GMT -5
Good to hear, Caris that you're moving forward. I can identify with some of your experience. My W is now like a sister, and common sense tells me to leave, but I still love her and I don't ever see that happening. Looks and body image have always been an issue for me as well. Always mocked for being fat, by my family and other kids and that never went away, and even when I was down to 6% body fat I looked in the mirror with shame. As I get older I look back at pictures thinking wow I really looked pretty good in that one, and remember thinking how disgusted I was with myself when the photo was taken. So, you're not alone. Not sure if this self hating crap ever vanishes completely, but I try to work on it every day. Lately trying to go a whole day without my inner censor going off with negative shit about myself. Haven't done it yet, but working to be mindful when it happens. It helps. ..guess that's why I responded to you're post the way I did
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Post by workingonit on Dec 3, 2017 7:48:28 GMT -5
Caris your story is heartbreaking but there is hope. You have changed and grown and you can continue to. Your assessment of your physical looks can shift if you shift how you feel about yourself. Confidence and self love are beautiful. The work you are doing is key so go after it with gusto.
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Post by ladytjb on Dec 4, 2017 20:32:44 GMT -5
This is how I am feeling at the moment. Lately I’ve been craving his affection and his attention. I can almost feel a true physical ache from longing and wanting him so much. And that’s not just sexually, that’s in general. I ache for the nights when I fall asleep on his chest, comforted by his beating heart. I yearn for the days when he kisses me in the kitchen, and holds on to me just a bit longer than usual. I miss the passion between us when we have sex. Whether we are making love or having good ole sex, the electricity and the connection between us is always so intense. It’s the most amazing high. Words can’t even begin to truly describe how much I miss and crave every bit of an intimate relationship with my husband.
The thought of being with someone else sexually has me not only completely terrified, but almost sick to my stomach. I knew from the first time we made love that I never wanted to be with any other man. But now that I don’t get to be with this man as much as I want to be with him, I’ve never felt more alone. And I’ve started wondering if I could find another man to try and find those feelings with. Maybe it’s possible and may it’s not. I’m just heartbroken to even have to be thinking this way.
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Post by ironhamster on Dec 5, 2017 10:40:01 GMT -5
This is how I am feeling at the moment. Lately I’ve been craving his affection and his attention. I can almost feel a true physical ache from longing and wanting him so much. And that’s not just sexually, that’s in general. I ache for the nights when I fall asleep on his chest, comforted by his beating heart. I yearn for the days when he kisses me in the kitchen, and holds on to me just a bit longer than usual. I miss the passion between us when we have sex. Whether we are making love or having good ole sex, the electricity and the connection between us is always so intense. It’s the most amazing high. Words can’t even begin to truly describe how much I miss and crave every bit of an intimate relationship with my husband. The thought of being with someone else sexually has me not only completely terrified, but almost sick to my stomach. I knew from the first time we made love that I never wanted to be with any other man. But now that I don’t get to be with this man as much as I want to be with him, I’ve never felt more alone. And I’ve started wondering if I could find another man to try and find those feelings with. Maybe it’s possible and may it’s not. I’m just heartbroken to even have to be thinking this way. Finding a partner you want is tricky, depending on what you want. My belief is that there are good matches out there. The internet makes them easier to find, but there is still a lot of vetting. It also makes it easier to get caught if you go the outsourcing route.
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Post by northstarmom on Dec 5, 2017 11:42:33 GMT -5
“ I knew from the first time we made love that I never wanted to be with any other man. “
That’s the way you felt then. With time, people change and feelings change.
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Post by ladytjb on Dec 8, 2017 18:29:26 GMT -5
“ I knew from the first time we made love that I never wanted to be with any other man. “ That’s the way you felt then. With time, people change and feelings change. Yes you are right. I guess I’m just afraid to admit that to myself. I haven’t changed, but, as painful as it may be, he has. Ugh, right in the feels northstarmom
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Post by northstarmom on Dec 8, 2017 19:21:14 GMT -5
Everybody changes over time. You aren’t the same person you were when you met him. Sometimes people change in similar ways. Sometimes they take different paths and no longer are compatible.
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