I've been dating my current beau for 6 months now and it's very, very serious. We have an active and fabulous sex life. So far, we have not had a single overnight together when we didn't have sex at night or in the morning and quite often both. We've both been wondering when it might happen that we didn't have sex.
Obviously I lived in SM for years and he's also had relationships that qualified as sexless, but he didn't hang around forever and has ended relationships (eventually) that became sexless.
Last night we didn't have sex and we didn't have sex this morning either. I wasn't feeling well so didn't initiate last night (which is more 'my' time - he is more of a morning sex person) and he has to get up and out very early on Tuesdays for work so we almost never have sex on Tuesday mornings
And it was fine! I know we'll probably have sex tonight and I'm really looking forward to tomorrow night when my mother (who's been visiting) is gone and it's a no kid night for both of us so we can be as noisy as we like. And we also had plenty of sexual touch last night and this morning.
Obviously I'm not completely comfortable with it because he and I talked about it and I'm posting about it here, but I feel it's a big step forward to not have sex and learn to be ok with it and not wonder and stress that we've not had sex.
Post by GeekGoddess on Oct 31, 2017 6:56:11 GMT -5
This sounds so healthy. I’m happy to hear it can be “just normal” once in awhile and not ptsd-triggering. I think that willing to talk about it makes the entire “no sex, this one night” much different than a refuser’s avoidance tactics. Also the plenty of touch in absence of PIV is highly different than my SM no sex nights. And I hope you enjoy getting noisy together after Mom goes home!
Post by awakeforthedance on Oct 31, 2017 8:34:06 GMT -5
I so understand you. I don't want to chase "what amount of sex is normal," but sometimes feel myself inadvertently going there. :/ I think that is when it's important to take a step back, breathe and ask yourself, "Am I happy in this relationship as it is?" Forget numbers, or comparing to what "average is" or "what Jane and John are doing" and just focus on the quality of the relationship. Hell, if both couples are happy with sex once every six months, it's a quality relationship. Key point - both parties happy. I think we just have such a fear of falling back to sleep in a lifeless relationship - I know I don't ever want to end up there again. But, on that same token, I don't want to put ungodly amounts of pressure on us either. A good deal of our happiness and contentment must come from within and we can't completely lose ourselves to a relationship either. I am starting to re-find some of my own individual spark again and actually, in doing so, my husband's spark for me has started to burn brighter again, too. He liked me for who I was when we first met and I don't want to lose that girl to a relationship. I think I am one of those types that loses herself completely if she is not careful. Part of keeping a healthy relationship is keeping yourself healthy of mind, body, spirit, too. Sometimes that means doing things for yourself. It's always about finding that balance. I am part of a couple, but I am still me. Anyway, sorry, rambled.
I want to say that time takes away the anxiety of sexlessness, but I am not 100% it does because I still have my moments. But, yes, definitely focus on the good of your relationship and enjoy the time together you get. It's always nice when visitors go home. For my own selfish reasons, I am very glad you shared this here because it makes me feel normal with my own unease over it all, too. So thank you for being brave and sharing!
I think that the key to a healthy sex life is that neither of you are frustrated due to a lack of activity. How much sex is that? That depends upon the couple.
The problem for most people here is that libidos are so far out of whack that one party is in a continuous state of frustration. Eventually, that frustration grows to the point that when sex does occur, it is pretty shitty since you know it isn't making love, it is them doing duty sex or scratching an itch to satisfy their lower libido.
In time, many people refuse to play that game, and that is when the end of the road is reached.
One evening without sex is most likely not going to frustrate either of you into dissatisfaction with the relationship. It might be enough to trigger worries, but if you guys are open and honest about that, it is also an opportunity to heal.
I'm happy for both of you!
Sham's Law #1: Everything in life is simple. First you figure out what you want. Second, you figure out how to get it. Third you do it. The first step, unfortunately happens to be the hardest.
Post by hopingforachange on Oct 31, 2017 10:21:44 GMT -5
Think about it this way, not having sex for one night is a trigger for you, from the scars left from your SM. I suspect you worry that if you don't have it tonight, you might never have it for weeks, months or years. So, your trigger is controlling your actions. I suspect you have had nights were you didn't want sex but the pain of not having sex was far greater then you forcing your self to have sex. Well, now you have done it, you didn't let your trigger control you, you maybe nervous and worried, but I bet tonight when you do have sex, it will feel amazing because you are both soothing your worries, scars and since you have talked about it, the intimacy and connection will be higher then normal. It also plants the seed that sex will be there, with you and your BF. That you don't have to worry that this might be the last time you have sex together.
Your healing, one step at a time and this is healing that can't happen by your self, you need the other person there so you can learn how to trust again.
yes hopingforachange - I think it is a trigger for worry! And I think you're right that I have sometimes had sex when I was a bit 'meh' about it. Fortunately the sex is such good quality that I know even if I feel meh, after a bit I'll feel YEAH. He and I have a slight sexual 'mismatch' in that he prefers morning and I prefer evening.
And yes, we did have sex last night and again this morning. And I still don't feel well, I woke up with a headache and not being able to breathe from a cold. And I actually refused him requested oral sex - and felt really shit about it, but I really hate performing oral sex when I can't breathe through my nose. I'm clearly not completely healed because I felt bad for refusing (still do), even though we did have PIV and frankly not wanting to do oral with a cold and screeching headache is completely reasonable.
But I'm starting to get there - I'm starting to worry less. I don't think the amount of sex we have now is really sustainable over years, I want to get to a place where I'm not stressed if we slip down to a 'normal' amount of sex - e.g. 2-4 times a week.
One thing that we are both struggling with is that we have both been givers and accommodaters in previous relationships and we are both working on accepting all the little nice things we do for each other.
Post by hopingforachange on Nov 1, 2017 9:18:38 GMT -5
elkclan2 I would suggest looking at you feeling bad not don't oral a slightly different way. Think about what you were still able and wanting to do when sick. You were sick and suffering but still found a way to connect! While it might not be ideal and what one or both of you wanted, but you still found a way! You both want to connect and your doing a way! Don't let your inability to perform a certain act or position negate or put any negative feelings about how you both doing a way.
And think about this long term, you both found a way when you are sick, I would think you both would find a way when one or both of you have a longer term illness or physical issues. I bet if one of you had surgery and had physical restrictions for weeks or months while healing, you two would still find a way to connect.
Post by northstarmom on Nov 1, 2017 11:36:30 GMT -5
“I woke up with a headache and not being able to breathe from a cold. And I actually refused him requested oral sex - and felt really shit about it, but I really hate performing oral sex when I can't breathe through my nose. I'm clearly not completely healed because I felt bad for refusing (still do), even though we did have PIV and frankly not wanting to do oral with a cold and screeching headache is completely reasonable”
What’s unreasonable is asking for oral from a partner with a head cold. Such a request would thoroughly piss me off. It was inconsiderate. You have nothing to feel bad about. He should apologize.
oh - I don't think he realised how stuffed up I was, when he did he did apologise, he knows I have a hang-up about refusal/being refused and why I have it, and we talked about me saying 'no' to that last night and how he thought it was great that I did and that I shouldn't put pressure on myself to say yes.