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Post by northstarmom on Oct 25, 2017 11:10:24 GMT -5
"He is cut off from his physical self. He struggles with the practicalities of life. He has deep depression that actually helps him in his work as he really is able to understand spiritual struggles and inner suffering. It comes out in his writing and his teaching. However, he avoids dealing with his own suffering. "
He is a bad role model for those he wants to help: he is not an example of nor does he understand the importance of attending to his suffering. He is an example of suffering and enduring while leaning on others. He is not an example of healing.
He also doesn't seem to have compassion for your suffering.
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Post by M2G on Oct 26, 2017 4:18:14 GMT -5
I think there is a time to concentrate, not on what he needs, but what you need, and that time is rapidly approaching. I see parallels with your story, mine, and that of M2G . Our spouses are great at helping other people, but they are indifferent to the suffering of the one person in their lives they should be in tune with. I am done "why chasing." I think you are, too. My role in my sitcom, now, as I accept it, is to play the part of a loving husband so that my youngest daughter knows what a good relationship should look like. If I can't keep that front up, I have to go, sooner. What is your role? Three of us now then? Hopefully this does not become a new epidemic.. I wonder if, in their travels, they ever advise anyone: "Just cut off the sexual intimacy, don't tell him/her why, refuse to talk about it, lead him/her on to always instill some small hope that the sexual relationship can be rekindled, to keep him/her dancing on a string so as not to end the marriage/relationship." My guess is "no." They put up a facade in order to bask in the glory of helping others while their supposed loved ones are twisting in emotional pain, running on a hamster wheel to nowhere.
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Post by greatcoastal on Oct 26, 2017 4:59:11 GMT -5
I think there is a time to concentrate, not on what he needs, but what you need, and that time is rapidly approaching. I see parallels with your story, mine, and that of M2G . Our spouses are great at helping other people, but they are indifferent to the suffering of the one person in their lives they should be in tune with. I am done "why chasing." I think you are, too. My role in my sitcom, now, as I accept it, is to play the part of a loving husband so that my youngest daughter knows what a good relationship should look like. If I can't keep that front up, I have to go, sooner. What is your role? Three of us now then? Hopefully this does not become a new epidemic.. I wonder if, in their travels, they ever advise anyone: "Just cut off the sexual intimacy, don't tell him/her why, refuse to talk about it, lead him/her on to always instill some small hope that the sexual relationship can be rekindled, to keep him/her dancing on a string so as not to end the marriage/relationship." My guess is "no." They put up a facade in order to bask in the glory of helping others while their supposed loved ones are twisting in emotional pain, running on a hamster wheel to nowhere. Welcome to our group! Funny/interesting that you put it that way, " I wonder if, in their travels, they ever advise anyone". Actually the answer -in my case- is "yes they do!". I found an email of an article,sent to my wife from her sister or another relative going back 4 yrs ago about de-tachment. In summary it basically said," detach yourself, go cold, cut off all communication, say 3 words a day- hello, goodbye,good night-" then they will come running back to you begging for forgiveness and change their ways! HUGH?? It doesn't work that way! What it did was build a solid wall between us, leaving a life long impression, driving us further apart. It built a strong resentment. Later in therapy when my W. was asked about sex and intimacy, her response was " I don't see the need for it, It's not that important to me, It really doesn't matter". Meanwhile living a life that everyone in the family needs to do as i tell them too. Well the family is saying, "screw that, what do you do for us? You go to work! So do we. You would work without us, that's all you are anymore. No one likes being with you for very long." So, yes they exist they are out their, and they falsely believe they are happy. Narcissism covers a lot of that.
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Post by greatcoastal on Oct 26, 2017 5:03:01 GMT -5
I think there is a time to concentrate, not on what he needs, but what you need, and that time is rapidly approaching. I see parallels with your story, mine, and that of M2G . Our spouses are great at helping other people, but they are indifferent to the suffering of the one person in their lives they should be in tune with. I am done "why chasing." I think you are, too. My role in my sitcom, now, as I accept it, is to play the part of a loving husband so that my youngest daughter knows what a good relationship should look like. If I can't keep that front up, I have to go, sooner. What is your role? Like many of us, you can only be a loving husband/wife for so long, and not get anything in return. It's back to givers and takers. Communication and trust. Kids know and they see it too.
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Post by northstarmom on Oct 26, 2017 6:12:12 GMT -5
“Like many of us, you can only be a loving husband/wife for so long, and not get anything in return. “
What’s the point of loving someone who doesn’t love you back? A good friend asked me that several years after I was still mourning a break-up. Took me decades to understand. When I did, I fairly easily divorced my refuser.
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Post by TMD on Oct 26, 2017 8:13:57 GMT -5
I appreciate your perspective, workingonit. There are some similarities between your personality and mine, and our spouses (although mine fixes numbers, not people). In fact, other people, I dare say, are not his strength. And I don’t believe my roommate isn’t great at self-reflection. Like you, I want to be less strong all the time and more vulnerable. So that would be a “thing” moving forward: vulnerability in all relationships, but especially in an intimate one.
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Post by M2G on Oct 26, 2017 11:12:48 GMT -5
In summary it basically said," detach yourself, go cold, cut off all communication, say 3 words a day- hello, goodbye,good night-" Yes! and it has a name: Medium Chill. Medium Chill though, is (supposed to be) a mechanism to deal with people you can't easily avoid, who exhibit anti-social, controlling, narcissistic or other severe personality disorders. NOT, something you do to normal loving people, to control them and crush their spirit - especially your own family. Shit - that's like the cop handing the nightstick to the criminal.
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Post by wewbwb on Nov 5, 2017 9:15:31 GMT -5
The Frigidaire and I have always had different ideas of what a marriage is and our roles in it. We failed to support and encourage each other when we needed it. We both made mistakes and "held" it against each other . I am guilty of this as much as she is. I learned that if the couple doesn't communicate and withdraws it is not going to go well. I found that I would not discuss things that were important to me because I didn't want to hurt her feelings and make her feel worse . ( it didn't work out ) I learned that if you tackle the issues when they are "small " it is easier and less painful .
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