taking our parts vs why chasing
Oct 23, 2017 20:58:19 GMT -5
GeekGoddess, DryCreek, and 9 more like this
Post by workingonit on Oct 23, 2017 20:58:19 GMT -5
My H and I have been doing lots of work on this relationship thing. I see it is a last ditch effort, sort of reassurance to myself that I can say I gave this commitment everything I had. In the course of this work I am actually glad to see the things I have done to contribute to this. Really, there are 2 people in the relationship. I don't believe I am why-chasing. I think this is constructive because it will enable me to not repeat the mistakes I have made in the past and get the relationship I want.
From the beginning of my relationship I think my H and I have been a poor fit. We have this only recently identified repeating pattern that is killing us both. When there is a problem or an issue or I am unhappy I am the kind of person that likes to FIX it and take it head on. I am honest and not so afraid of confrontation. My H has some old deep pain and depression and insecurity that makes him slow and thoughtful to act, and when faced with an insecurity, he shuts down. From the beginning our sex life was less than good but I was not dismayed. I was like "let's try this...let's do this....how about some of this.." I had full confidence we could fix it. I was creative and willing to be patient but I was not willing to allow us to have a bad sex life. The problem was that every time I made a suggestion he heard a criticism and that made him more insecure. I would then push harder and he would then get more insecure and stuck. Eventually we would have some big conversation where he would have a big break down. The big break down would derail my complaint and stop all movement for me because HIS distress would become the more important thing to fix. (Yes, I know this is emotional manipulation, and yes I have put a stop to it by simply not backing down now).
In truth, this pattern exists in many aspects in our lives but we manage it better.
He is not a bad person. He is just a person with a lot of pain and some serious depression that will debilitate him. And yes, I am quite aware that it is most likely that I chose him because I am a fixer and a pretty happy person that wants to make others feel better (I am a nurse, so this is typical of us!).
Last night we had a long, tearful and very painful discussion for several hours. We went over all of these patterns, all of the ways they are destroying us both. I told him I do not believe it can be fixed. That I am staying for now due to kids and the ways our finances and lives are entangled but that I see an end coming. I told him while I am here I am willing to continue to work but I am not continuing forever in this SM. I also told him I am not sure that either of us need "fixing" as much as we need to not be with each other. I think there might be someone out there for him that would make him feel less scared of intimacy, more confident, less powerless (he told me I make him feel powerless because I am so strong) if he is willing to do some work himself. And I truly believe there is someone out there for me that can meet me strength for strength and maybe even lead me and let me be the vulnerable one!
Of course, then he made the whole thing all about him by saying he was feeling suicidal for the first time since he was a teenager. He told me he knows that I am his soul mate and if leave him he will die alone. I told him that made me sad to hear. I also told him it did not change anything. (go me!) Then he had the f-ing nerve to put his head on my shoulder and cry and ask me to hold him. I go for fucking years begging for that kind of comfort and get nothing but now I have to give it to him?
Anyway, I feel that I have learned that I CANNOT FIX PEOPLE!!! My next relationship (please God) I will work on this ahead of time and avoid falling into the trap of being that person's FIX. If I cannot have an equal, passionate, give and take relationship with exactly who that person is than I am getting the hell out!
What is your part? Not "why are you to blame" but what have you learned from your part in developing this pattern/ accepting this pattern/ choosing this type of person?
From the beginning of my relationship I think my H and I have been a poor fit. We have this only recently identified repeating pattern that is killing us both. When there is a problem or an issue or I am unhappy I am the kind of person that likes to FIX it and take it head on. I am honest and not so afraid of confrontation. My H has some old deep pain and depression and insecurity that makes him slow and thoughtful to act, and when faced with an insecurity, he shuts down. From the beginning our sex life was less than good but I was not dismayed. I was like "let's try this...let's do this....how about some of this.." I had full confidence we could fix it. I was creative and willing to be patient but I was not willing to allow us to have a bad sex life. The problem was that every time I made a suggestion he heard a criticism and that made him more insecure. I would then push harder and he would then get more insecure and stuck. Eventually we would have some big conversation where he would have a big break down. The big break down would derail my complaint and stop all movement for me because HIS distress would become the more important thing to fix. (Yes, I know this is emotional manipulation, and yes I have put a stop to it by simply not backing down now).
In truth, this pattern exists in many aspects in our lives but we manage it better.
He is not a bad person. He is just a person with a lot of pain and some serious depression that will debilitate him. And yes, I am quite aware that it is most likely that I chose him because I am a fixer and a pretty happy person that wants to make others feel better (I am a nurse, so this is typical of us!).
Last night we had a long, tearful and very painful discussion for several hours. We went over all of these patterns, all of the ways they are destroying us both. I told him I do not believe it can be fixed. That I am staying for now due to kids and the ways our finances and lives are entangled but that I see an end coming. I told him while I am here I am willing to continue to work but I am not continuing forever in this SM. I also told him I am not sure that either of us need "fixing" as much as we need to not be with each other. I think there might be someone out there for him that would make him feel less scared of intimacy, more confident, less powerless (he told me I make him feel powerless because I am so strong) if he is willing to do some work himself. And I truly believe there is someone out there for me that can meet me strength for strength and maybe even lead me and let me be the vulnerable one!
Of course, then he made the whole thing all about him by saying he was feeling suicidal for the first time since he was a teenager. He told me he knows that I am his soul mate and if leave him he will die alone. I told him that made me sad to hear. I also told him it did not change anything. (go me!) Then he had the f-ing nerve to put his head on my shoulder and cry and ask me to hold him. I go for fucking years begging for that kind of comfort and get nothing but now I have to give it to him?
Anyway, I feel that I have learned that I CANNOT FIX PEOPLE!!! My next relationship (please God) I will work on this ahead of time and avoid falling into the trap of being that person's FIX. If I cannot have an equal, passionate, give and take relationship with exactly who that person is than I am getting the hell out!
What is your part? Not "why are you to blame" but what have you learned from your part in developing this pattern/ accepting this pattern/ choosing this type of person?