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Post by merrygoround on Oct 20, 2017 18:37:22 GMT -5
I remember a conversation towards the end of my marriage, when tired of talking, the anxiety and depression, the desperation, the loneliness and knowing that I wasn't getting anywhere, nor would I ever get anywhere, there was a realisation in me that enough was enough. Finally. I simply said to him that I would never ask for sex ever again. The subject was removed from the table and I would never discuss it again as I wasn't prepared to continue damaging myself. What he didn't realise was that that meant no hugs, no kissing, no hand holding....which is what he wanted to continue, but I explained that came from a bond created by an intimate relationship. What we had was by now something else. I learned his limits and he learned mine.
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Post by carl on Oct 20, 2017 19:17:33 GMT -5
Doesn’t sound like a genuine move to have sex with you, more like he is just worried you are getting some self esteem and might chuck him. That will be why it hasn’t turned you on. Manipulation is creepy not sexy.
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Post by greatcoastal on Oct 20, 2017 20:27:58 GMT -5
I remember a conversation towards the end of my marriage, when tired of talking, the anxiety and depression, the desperation, the loneliness and knowing that I wasn't getting anywhere, nor would I ever get anywhere, there was a realisation in me that enough was enough. Finally. I simply said to him that I would never ask for sex ever again. The subject was removed from the table and I would never discuss it again as I wasn't prepared to continue damaging myself. What he didn't realise was that that meant no hugs, no kissing, no hand holding....which is what he wanted to continue, but I explained that came from a bond created by an intimate relationship. What we had was by now something else. I learned his limits and he learned mine. Did you also find out that any contact, even accidentally bumping into each other was...... well, just gross? I do/did! Meanwhile my FIL my W's "daddy" who lives with us is having serious health issues. It gives me strong thoughts of wanting to be there, emotionally, physically and acts of service for my W. I think that's the giver/rescuer coming out in me. Meanwhile I have to accept that I most likely will be shut out even more. Anything else would require her to be submissive, giving, sharing, the least bit vulnerable, it would mean giving up some control, something she can't do. So much better for me ,to be away from someone like that, as much as possible. So I am now the one refusing contact and communication. Don't get me started on what it is like to communicate with a controller.
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Post by aguywithneeds on Oct 20, 2017 21:53:58 GMT -5
I remember a conversation towards the end of my marriage, when tired of talking, the anxiety and depression, the desperation, the loneliness and knowing that I wasn't getting anywhere, nor would I ever get anywhere, there was a realisation in me that enough was enough. Finally. I simply said to him that I would never ask for sex ever again. The subject was removed from the table and I would never discuss it again as I wasn't prepared to continue damaging myself. What he didn't realise was that that meant no hugs, no kissing, no hand holding....which is what he wanted to continue, but I explained that came from a bond created by an intimate relationship. What we had was by now something else. I learned his limits and he learned mine. I just learned this like 4 months ago, gets them thinking real quick. You want to lead me on to shut me down, n thanks.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 22, 2017 5:19:04 GMT -5
I needed some time to process all the replys I got from my thread and I thank you all of you for your precious time to wrote it. Thanks for your wise words northstarmom, I feel relieved knowing that what I’m feeling is normal. hopingforachange yes, I’m finally respecting myself and now comes the hard part of it: to decide what to do next workingonit and @geekgoddess I’m sorry you guys had experienced the same as me. h yes, I think it is a point with no return now. I can’t see myself having some kind of intimacy with him. Although I still think he is handsome, he is only a good friend.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 22, 2017 5:23:54 GMT -5
aguywithneeds I like the term you used: self preservation mode. Finally my body is telling me to have some respect and dignity for myself ironhamster is exactly what I’m feeling when I think about having sex with him again “ew”
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Post by Deleted on Oct 22, 2017 5:26:40 GMT -5
I agree with you carl ... he had all the time in the last 7 years we are married to show he wants and desires me... why it have to be now when I don’t want anymore?
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mathdoll
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The light is getting brighter........
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Post by mathdoll on Oct 22, 2017 11:34:48 GMT -5
The same thing happened with my ex husband. When he knew that I was leaving he begged for another chance, but the thought of any sexual contact with him repulses me. My understanding is that it is a normal consequence after 15 years of no intimacy.
We are still very good friends though and I know he wants me back - not sexually, just as his companion. He gives me a hug sometimes and there is absolutely nothing for me. It is like hugging my brother.
On the other hand I am just breaking up with an emotionally abusive partner after 4 years and despite his abusive treatment of me I crave him like a drug.
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Post by workingonit on Oct 23, 2017 5:46:41 GMT -5
My h and I have been having date nights. Every Sunday for the last few months. Really these are therapy wothout the therapist as he has refused therapy. Last night was incredibly intense. Both of us crying, getting to some core issues. We hugged at the end. First hug in over a year. Then we got home and he wanted to sleep in my bed which he has not slept in for over a year. Not for sex- just to sleep. I said no. I feel like a refuser but I am just not taking crumbs of intimacy.
The instinct to counter refuse after so much rejection is tricky as hell!
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Post by greatcoastal on Oct 23, 2017 7:15:59 GMT -5
My h and I have been having date nights. Every Sunday for the last few months. Really these are therapy wothout the therapist as he has refused therapy. Last night was incredibly intense. Both of us crying, getting to some core issues. We hugged at the end. First hug in over a year. Then we got home and he wanted to sleep in my bed which he has not slept in for over a year. Not for sex- just to sleep. I said no. I feel like a refuser but I am just not taking crumbs of intimacy. The instinct to counter refuse after so much rejection is tricky as hell! It is tricky, your mind has been manipulated -brain washed- for so long, you have been trained to react and think a certain way. Remind yourself, and remember, you are NOT refusing intimacy. You are refusing abuse, coercion, manipulation, and his one sided arrogant, selfish, acts and words. The exact behavior, that from anyone else ,would repulse you and make you avoid them. Don't negotiate with emotional terrorists.
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Post by northstarmom on Oct 23, 2017 11:39:31 GMT -5
You may have an intimate conversation with a close friend, a roommate or sibling. However, that would not entitle them nor lead you to desire their sleeping next to you in your bed.
The lack of sexual intimacy in your marriage has led to your regarding your husband as at best a platonic friend. Of course having an emotionally intimate conversation does not make you want him sleeping in bed with you or being sexually intimate with you.
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Post by workingonit on Oct 23, 2017 19:20:16 GMT -5
You may have an intimate conversation with a close friend, a roommate or sibling. However, that would not entitle them nor lead you to desire their sleeping next to you in your bed. The lack of sexual intimacy in your marriage has led to your regarding your husband as at best a platonic friend. Of course having an emotionally intimate conversation does not make you want him sleeping in bed with you or being sexually intimate with you. That is a perspective that helps- thanks
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Post by Deleted on Dec 14, 2017 13:48:38 GMT -5
It´s been a while since I posted this thread, but I just need to share what is happening now...
My therapist said that I should go to couple therapy with H. Not to work on our relashionship, but to help me to make him see what this SM is doing to me... I think I have told him everything that is bothering me, but I don´t think he realized how bad it is.
So I decided to have an appointment with the couple therapist alone cause I had lots of things about the marriage that I wanted to discuss in particular before I could take him with me. But then she started to explain how she use to work with the couples, giving them some "homework" to do, including dates together without the children around... and I freaked out. I told her that that wouldn´t happen, that I don´t feel like having some inimacy with him now but she smiled and said I should do it...
Now besides depressed I´m confused. Is this how couple therapy works?? To force you to do something you don´t want to?
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Post by DryCreek on Dec 14, 2017 14:51:00 GMT -5
@feelingrejected, yes, that's a technique that many therapists use. It does seem premature for her to be discussing that at this stage - it should take more than a session or two for her to have a grasp on the situation, especially if she hasn't seen your husband yet.
I would expect a fair bit of listening and discussion before she starts prescribing exercises. Otherwise it's likely to come off as "just take this magic cure-all elixir".
It may be that she shared more about her therapy technique than perhaps she should have given at this stage and given your anxiety over it. Or, she's not terribly perceptive / mature and uses the same therapy technique for everything - in which case you should find a different therapist.
E.g., one of the early "marriage counselors" we went to was clearly focused on communication issues because she insisted on a technique where we talked to each other in front of her, rather than having a dialog with her. We didn't come to her with communication problems - we were having problems resolving the differences. We needed more of a mediator or a sounding board, not guidance on how to talk. She only had a hammer, so every problem looked like a nail.
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Post by shamwow on Dec 14, 2017 16:00:46 GMT -5
Same as you h, perilously close to the precipice. Still the fall will be character building I'm sure. At the moment there is relief when I spot sanitary products in the bin, and I know she won't try anything. That's a bad sign for our marriage, but a good sign for my mental health. God, I remember that too! I remember my last anniversary hoping desperately that she wouldn't "try anything". She didn't but there was that dread hoping I wouldn't have to push her away. It is a sad day when a starving man pushes away a plate of food offered by the person who is starving him.
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