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Post by Deleted on Oct 20, 2017 6:21:05 GMT -5
In the last 3 months something has happened... I became the refuser. After all those years of humiliation for begging for sex plus lack of physical contact I no longer want him to even touch my skin and is something I can’t control. I still have desire, want to have sex and can fantasize about it with other men BUT my husband. He has been crying, begging and literally on his knees for me, saying he loves me and will fix it but my body is rejecting him. I wish I could try only for my little daughter but I don’t feel I can do it right now... This ever happened to someone?
He says that I’ve never talked to him about it and he didn’t know there was a problem in our relationship... I admit I never asked him why all of this was happening but I can’t believe he thinks it’s normal to have sex with his wife once or twice a year, what has been happening in the last 2 or 3 years. I cried so many times beside him in our bed thinking something was wrong with me...
I’m feeling so sad...
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Post by northstarmom on Oct 20, 2017 6:37:33 GMT -5
Nothing is wrong with you. After years of being sexually isnored by your husband, when he makes overtures, your body reacts as if your brother or father were trying to have sex with you.
I imagine your husband's begging for sex now is more a matter of not wanting tecmarriage to end than his having real sexual desire for you. If you really were an object of passion for him and if sex with you really were important, years ago would not have gone by without his having sex with you.
Time to admit the sexual part of your marriage is over. You can take that as a cue to end it, open it or continue living together as coparents and roommates.
To the therapy suggested: this is another example of how a person cannot make themselves lust for another. Thinking you can change your partner or can coerce or lure them into lusting after you and fucking you with enjoyment is a hopeless dream. The starfish sex you get is the best they can do because touching you sexually makes their skin crawl. At best sex with you is a duty and chore for them. It is therefore not what they want to do on vacation or holidays or any day at all. Allow yourself to recognize those facts and then you can take productive steps to brighten your life instead of banging your head against the wall.l futily attempting to get from them passion they are incapable of feeling for you.
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Post by hopingforachange on Oct 20, 2017 6:46:11 GMT -5
I'm sorry to here you hit that point but, think of you refusing as finally respecting yourself and your feelings. Your caring for your self. I have been trying for my kids, 7 and 3, and I'm reaching that same point.
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Post by workingonit on Oct 20, 2017 7:38:23 GMT -5
I recently had a similar reaction to even the idea of sex with my refuser. He is like a stranger to me body. It is confusing as I am the one making this last ditch effort to make this marriage work. But then he mentions a maybe on sex and I feel like "no way!"
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Post by GeekGoddess on Oct 20, 2017 8:12:34 GMT -5
This is pretty common among the group. We term it, counter refusal. I like the way @hopingforchange frames it. As a last ditch, I tried asking my H (now, Ex) for some fooling around since he couldn’t have had a hard on no matter what. We did. It wasn’t that good. I continued therapy. A few nights or 1 week later, he initiated to try again with a hand and that second time sealed it for me. It was very much like inappropriate moves from a brother or something. I told him later I should have been more careful what I asked for because I found I didn’t want that after all. But it WAS a milestone in respecting my own feelings & wants. I finally learned that my goals & dreams do matter, that I don’t have to desperately accept table scraps of affection and dress it up like love. When I reached counter refusing, it did indicate that *I* had started to matter more to myself. Good luck navigating next steps.
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Post by h on Oct 20, 2017 10:37:11 GMT -5
I haven't quite reached that point yet, but I'm teetering on the edge. I have an awareness of what that would feel like. I think if I really dug into those feelings, I may fall over that edge and I suspect that there's no coming back. I'm avoiding it for now in the off chance that my W decided to turn it around this winter or spring. After that, I may examine those feelings more closely if I need some additional motivation to get the ball rolling on my exit.
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Post by mescaline on Oct 20, 2017 10:50:25 GMT -5
Same as you h, perilously close to the precipice. Still the fall will be character building I'm sure.
At the moment there is relief when I spot sanitary products in the bin, and I know she won't try anything. That's a bad sign for our marriage, but a good sign for my mental health.
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Post by hopingforachange on Oct 20, 2017 11:07:36 GMT -5
mescaline it also means that if anything has happened in the past month, you don't have other things to add to the dysfunction.
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Post by aguywithneeds on Oct 20, 2017 11:27:07 GMT -5
I'm kinda in a same state of mind, idk if I'll snap out of it,or time will run out, I'm ok with either. I'm pretty detached right now, not out of anger or resentment, but self preservation. It was really emotionally draining, I've been there looking in the mirror like wtf, what am I doing wrong, how can I work harder. The last time I had sex was pretty weird, a couple of days before I told her how a couple women were hitting on me (I don't wear a ring, or any jewelry not even a watch I can't stand it). Well she pulled out all the stops, no holds barred, I just wasn't there, after 20 mins or so I just stopped, didn't finish, just stopped, I felt like I wasn't supposed to be there. I'm not sure if I can ever be there, I think once you've become so detached, even if there was a magical turn around, that period of time will always be there looming over you, is this desire or did they finally realize and go into self preservation mode.
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Post by mescaline on Oct 20, 2017 11:36:58 GMT -5
mescaline it also means that if anything has happened in the past month, you don't have other things to add to the dysfunction. Ha ha! No chance there it's once or twice a year, and I've had the snip! I like the thought though.
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Post by mescaline on Oct 20, 2017 11:38:56 GMT -5
Yes aguywithneeds there would always be that doubt. Detachment in the name of self preservation is accurate for me too.
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Post by ironhamster on Oct 20, 2017 12:49:18 GMT -5
I know another woman, not on this board, that feels about the same about sex with her refusing husband. No passion, half-erect, over quick. She gets nothing out of it, and he does not care. She summarized the whole thought about it with one word: "Ew."
I think your feelings are pretty normal. NorthStarMom's observations and insights are right on the money.
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Post by brian on Oct 20, 2017 15:01:47 GMT -5
I recently had a similar reaction to even the idea of sex with my refuser. He is like a stranger to me body. It is confusing as I am the one making this last ditch effort to make this marriage work. But then he mentions a maybe on sex and I feel like "no way!" Everyone in my house knows that when she says “maybe”, what she really means is “the answer is ‘no’, but I don’t want to argue about it nor admit that I am actually saying ‘no’, so I’ll make it sound more readonable like I might actually consider it, but I’m not.” It’s not just for sex, and the kids know full well what it means when mom says “no”.
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Post by Deleted on Oct 20, 2017 15:43:16 GMT -5
I recently saw my STBXW at a wedding. When I looked at her, I became sick at my stomach. The idea that I EVER found her attractive was disgusting. And thinking that I actually had sex with her made me feel even worse. I can't believe I ever even considered having sex with her.
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Post by baza on Oct 20, 2017 18:34:09 GMT -5
There comes a time in ILIASM shitholes where who is refuser (or refused or counter refuser), who is right (or wrong), who is to blame (or is blameless) ceases to matter.
The relationship is a big fuck up. That's the fact. And all the blame apportioning in the world is not going to alter that fact.
And at this time, the issue is no longer "who ran the deal into the ditch" but rather "who is going to bring the deal to conclusion".
Invariably, that onerous task is going to fall on you, the ILIASM member.
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